


Everything to Nothing

by christinamarie92



Category: Josh Hutcherson - Fandom, Joshifer - Fandom, jennifer lawrence - Fandom
Genre: F/M
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2015-03-04
Updated: 2015-11-23
Packaged: 2018-03-16 06:57:26
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 19
Words: 42,221
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/3478703
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/christinamarie92/pseuds/christinamarie92
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>The only sounds emanating around me are the distinct sound of sirens echoing throughout my disjointed ears. My mind stops processing the moment my eyes land on his unmoving form on the ground; stiff, still, silent. - A Joshifer fanfiction on struggling to become whole again, mend wounds, and love.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> Italics = Flashbacks

The only things I can hear are the ambulance sirens, and the sound of my heart beating out of my chest. I’m running past all of the people gathered around, trying to push myself through the crowds.

 

A cop grabs me, “Ma’am, you need to stay back,” he yells at me.

 

“That’s my fucking boyfriend, let me go!”

 

He lets go of me; and I keep on running.

 

Finally I see him lying motionless on a stretcher. My heart shatters into more pieces than I ever thought was possible. Tears instantly start streaming down my face.

 

“Josh!” I yell, but he doesn’t budge.

 

When I get closer, I see the EMT’s are beginning to load him into the back of the ambulance. I take a moment to look at him in his unconscious form. There is no life left in his once magical hazel eyes.

 

“Josh! Josh!” I continue to yell, though I know he can’t hear me.

 

“You’re his girlfriend?” one of the EMT’s asks me.

 

It takes a moment for me to process what he’s saying, and that he’s talking to me.

 

I choke back the tears for second, and all I can manage is a nod of my head, never once taking my eyes off of Josh.

 

“You can ride in the ambulance with him, but we have to leave now,” he tells me.

 

I climb into the ambulance after they finish loading Josh in, and getting him prepped for the ride. At this point I’m crying more than I thought was humanly possible.

 

I still have yet to be told what has happened to him, no one has told me a single thing yet. I take Josh’s limp hand in mine and caress the soft skin. I look down at his hands, the same hands that just this morning were cradling my jaw.

 

I’m unsure how much time has passed, but still no one has spoken up to tell me what happened. I look at Josh once again, and the shock completely dissipates. Burning rage is beginning to set in. Fuck this, I think, I can’t keep quiet any longer.

 

“Is anyone going to tell me what the hell happened?” I say, coming off much more aggressive than I meant to be.

 

 

“Miss Lawrence, we will let the medical professionals tell you what’s going on once we get to the hospital. But for now, we will tell you that Josh was in a motorcycle accident, and if he weren’t wearing his helmet, the situation would be much worse than this. He was lucky,” the EMT tells me.

 

He was lucky? Would be much worse? He is unconscious for crying out loud! I think in my head.

 

I’m trying my best to keep calm, and stay composed, for Josh’s sake. I can’t be rude to these people who are only trying to help Josh, and possibly jeopardize the care he is receiving. I cross my legs and arms, grab hold of Josh’s hand again, and bury all my feelings as deep as I can, and focus solely on what really matters right now; Josh.

 

“I’m here Josh, I’m here baby,” I whisper quietly into his ear.

 

I give his hand a light squeeze, and close my eyes a reminisce on the happier times between us…

 

_“Jen! You can come down now!” Josh yells from downstairs._

_“UGH! FINALLY!” I scream down to him._

_As I make my way down the steps, the smell of fresh, warm pizza invades my nostrils, and I instantly get excited. I rush down the stairs and manage not to fall, an impressive feat I think to myself._

_“Oh my goodness, Josh!” I squeal with excitement._

_Josh and I have only been dating for a couple of months, but he knows me better than anyone else in the whole world. He has a feast of pizza, Cool Ranch Doritos, candy, and even beer spread out on the kitchen table._

_“Do you like it, baby?” Josh asks, with the biggest smile in his face._

_I will never get tired of his beautiful smile, or his breathtaking hazel eyes filled with joy._

_“Josh, it’s amazing! Thank you so much!”_

_For the rest of the night, we sit on the couch, stuffing our faces, and drinking beer. Josh let’s me watch the most recent episodes of ‘The Real Housewives of Beverly Hills’ that I missed, and then we indulge in some ‘Keeping up with the Kardashians’._

_“You must really like me to watch all of these crappy reality shows with me,” I say._

_“No I don’t like you,” he replies quietly, almost a whisper. “I love you, Jen.”_

I feel the ambulance come to a stop, and it pulls me out of my daydream. The tears I’ve been shedding have left warm tracks down my cheeks.

 

We’ve finally arrived at the hospital. They rush to get Josh out of the ambulance, and into the Emergency Room. The fears and anxiety come rushing back at full force, and the tears begin to flow again. I don’t know what is going to happen with Josh, and I’ve never been more scared in my life. I just hope he’s going to be okay.

 


	2. Chapter 2

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Italics = Flashbacks

I’ve been sitting alone in this cold hospital waiting room for hours. The uncomfortable chair I’ve been sitting in has perfectly molded to my body, and I’m pretty sure I’ve memorized the drinks and snacks that are in the vending machine in front of me.

 

I’m slouched over, trying to get comfortable, and impatiently tapping my fingers on the table next to me. I just can’t stop thinking about Josh. My mind won't stop playing different scenarios over and over, each one more gruesome than the last.  I find myself trapped in a waking nightmare. Since I’ve known Josh, him getting into a motorcycle accident has always been one of my greatest fears.

 

I haven’t gotten to see him yet, only his mom has been allowed in the room with him. I’m not his family, so the staff has me relegated to this god forsaken waiting area. His dad and brother, Connor, are on their way here, and should arrive soon.

 

Suddenly, I see the doctor and Josh’s mom, Michelle, in the doorway of my little waiting room. I’m not surprised; her cheeks are tear stained as well. Her head is bowed, and she is fiddling with the tissues balled up in her hands.

 

“How is he?” I manage to croak out, my voice shakier than I had expected.

 

Michelle puts her hands over her face and starts crying again, sending a feeling of dread deep into the pit of my stomach. I jump up from my chair as fast as possible, and envelop her in a hug. I have no idea how long we stand there, sobbing in each other’s arms.

 

“Shall we discuss Josh’s state now?” the doctor speaks, and launches us back into reality.

 

“Yes, doctor, please tell Jennifer,” Michelle manages to say through her cries.

 

I let go of Michelle, and wrap my arms around myself. I’ve never been more nervous in my entire 24 years of life. I stare at Josh’s doctor with wide eyes, anxiously awaiting his speech.

 

“Hi Jennifer, my name is Dr. Andrews, I'll be taking care of Josh while he's here and monitoring his condition.”

 

I feel like I can’t breathe.

 

“As you’re aware, Josh was in a pretty bad motorcycle accident last night. He is still unconscious.”

 

I can’t stop the tears from flowing. Please, let Josh be okay.

 

“Is he going to be okay? Is he going to wake up soon?” I ask in between sobs.

 

“Josh has a broken leg, and has suffered some head trauma. But I can tell you, if he wasn’t wearing his helmet, there is no way he would have survived the accident.”

 

"But will he wake up?" I ask again.

 

Dr. Andrews hesitates, and rubs the nape of his neck.  It’s all the answer that I need.

 

“I’m sorry…” he says, in a sincere voice, probably the same voice he uses to deliver bad news to all his patient’s families.

 

“We haven’t seen any improvements yet, and that’s extremely troubling. We’re doing everything we can to help Josh and make him comfortable. We’re still running tests to try and find out the severity of his head trauma, and look for any brain damage. Please, try and stay strong and positive, for Josh.”

 

The same question keeps repeating itself in my head, why is this happening to Josh? The most amazing person I’ve ever known. The love of my life.

 

I’m in shock, and it’s hard to process anything Dr. Andrews is saying. At some point, while he is talking to Michelle, my mind wanders…

 

_“I don’t fucking understand, Jennifer.” Josh yells at me._

_He is furious at me, because my publicist insists going public about our relationship isn’t a good idea, and instead, Liz wants to start rumors of my dating someone else, as a diversion._

_“I’m so sorry, Josh, but this is what Liz thinks is best, and I trust her.”_

_“What happened to making our relationship public? Now you’re going to throw yourself into a fake one? What about all the other times you disregarded Liz’s opinion? Why start obeying now?”_

_He’s still yelling. I’ve never seen Josh this angry before._

_“Please calm down. It’s really not that big of a deal,” I shoot back. I need to start thinking before I speak, because I’ve just added fuel to Josh’s burning fire of rage._

_“NOT THAT BIG OF A DEAL?” he screams, louder than before. “I don’t want anyone to think that my girlfriend is dating another man. I want them to know you’re dating me! Why is that so hard for you to understand, Jennifer?” He walks in the bathroom and slams the door behind him._

_I sit alone on the couch for about 10 minutes, and then Josh emerges from the bathroom, eyes swollen and red. The last thing I want to do is hurt the man I love._

_“Josh…” I say, hoping he calmed himself down in the bathroom, and isn’t angry anymore._

_Before I can even finish saying his name, his fist hits the wall._

_“Goddamn it, Jennifer! How can you think this is okay? You say you love me, but you’re willing to let the public think you’re in a relationship with another man.”_

_He stares at me with his jaw clenched, waiting for my response. I can’t bring myself to look him in the eyes, so I look at his bloodied knuckles, then my eyes shift to the dent in the wall. I agree with Liz, that this is the best plan. I just wish I could get him to see that._

_I hear the long sigh that escapes his lips.  Chancing a look at him, I see his shoulders drop and his next words to me are so full of hurt that my heart threatens to shatter into a million pieces._

_"Would it really be so bad if the press found out about us? Are you ashamed of me? Is that it? Is that why you don’t want to go public?”_

_I just want to take his pain away, but I don’t know how._

_“I do love you Josh. I’m sorry, it’s just…” I begin to try and explain myself._

_“I’ll be back later.” He cuts me off and walks out of my apartment, slamming the door behind him._

_I sit alone, in an eerie silence, pondering what I’m going to do. I can’t help but think this plan is going to help protect and preserve our relationship. I just wish I didn’t have to hurt the man I love._

The last time I saw him has been haunting me since I got that horrible phone call. Had I known then that an hour later our lives would be changed forever, our hopes for the future more than likely shattered, I would have told Liz no, without any hesitation.

I haven’t been able to stop blaming myself for the accident. He was angry with me, and he stormed out. He was undoubtedly driving recklessly, and that’s how he got into this horrifying accident.

 

It’s my fault that Josh is lying in a hospital bed, unconscious.

 

“Jennifer, are you listening?” Dr. Andrews asks me, once again bringing me back into reality.

 

“No, sorry, I must have spaced out. I missed that last part.” My voice sounds so weak, so broken.

 

“Jen,” Michelle says, “we found something in Josh’s pocket that I think you should see.”

 

Taking my hand, she pulls me back over to the chairs, and she sits.

 

A million things run through my mind as I sit down next to her.

 

Drugs? No, Josh would never do that.

 

A gun? Some sort of weapon?

 

Why am I thinking these ridiculous thoughts? I know Josh better than he knows himself. It can’t be anything bad. Which makes the looks on Michelle and Dr. Andrews’ faces that much more puzzling to me.

 

I’m not expecting what Dr. Andrews holds out to me.

 

A small black leather box.

 

My heart is pounding as I open it.

 

An engagement ring.


	3. Chapter 3

_“I love you so much,” Josh whispers in my ear while we lay on the couch._

_He’s playing with my short, blonde locks, while I run my fingers through the patch of hair on his chest._

_As we lay here, in post-coital bliss, I realize how deep my love for this amazing man runs._

_“I love you too, Josh,” I reply, as I stare into his beautiful hazel eyes._

_“Not as much as I love you,” he argues, with a smile on his face._

_“You’re wrong.”_

_I playfully punch Josh on the shoulder, and he caresses the side of my face, looks me in the eyes, and says, “No Jennifer, I promise you, I love you more than you could ever love me.”_

I wake myself out of my reverie, and realize I’m still in this cold, gloomy waiting room.

 

To be blunt, I feel like absolute, and complete shit. I’m still staring at the little black box I clutch onto so tightly in my hands.

 

Josh may not wake up. It still doesn’t feel real.

 

I take the beautiful ring out of the box, round diamond in the center, with more diamonds along the band, and slip it on my left ring finger. Perfect fit. Of course it is.

 

There is no way I’m taking this off anytime soon.

 

When I look up, and blink away the tears, I see Dr. Andrews in the doorway, once again.

 

“Would you like to come see Josh now?” he asks.

 

The billions of butterflies in my stomach won’t stop fluttering, and I feel nauseous.

 

As much as I’ve been wanting to see Josh, I’m extremely terrified. Am I ready to see my boyfriend, the man I love so much, bandaged up? Hooked up to machines? Unconscious?

 

I give Dr. Andrews a nod, stand up, and wipe my clammy palms on my pants; then I follow him to Josh’s hospital room.

 

I don’t think I’m ready for this.

 

As we approach the room, the feeling of dread in the pit of my stomach overwhelms me, and I come to a stop in the middle of the hallway.

 

My breathing has quickened, and my feet have planted themselves on the ground, each one feeling as if they weigh several hundred pounds. I can’t move.

 

I glance at Dr. Andrews, and in a genuinely sincere voice, he says, “Jennifer, I promise you, you’ll be fine.”

 

For some reason, he gives me the motivation to keep walking. Finally, after what felt like 10 miles, we arrive at Josh’s room.

 

Dr. Andrews gives me a tight smile, and slowly opens the door.

 

Before I walk in, Michelle walks out.

 

She is still in tears, and I give her another long hug. This must be so hard for her.

 

“I figured since you were finally allowed in the room, I’d give you some time alone with Josh. And I’m sure you want to be alone when you see him for the first time,” she says.

 

I let go, and look her in the eyes, “Thank you, Michelle.”

 

She smiles at me, the first real smile I’ve seen since we’ve been at this hospital, and now I have to go in the room.

 

I take a few deep breaths, and then before I know it, my feet are moving me into the room.

 

I walk into the room with my eyes glued to the floor, because I am terrified of what I think I’m going to see.

 

Mustering every ounce of strength I have within me, I look up.

 

The image that I see breaks my heart.

 

Just as I thought. Josh is lying motionless in the hospital bed.

 

He is hooked up to many machines, and has oxygen tubes in his nose.

 

I see his I.V. bags, and once again, I can’t stop the tears from flowing.

 

“Josh….” I say, my voice weak and fragile.

 

I take a seat in the chair next to his bed, and I grab hold of his limp hand.

 

I run my thumb across the cuts on his knuckle; the cuts he acquired from smashing his fist against the wall in my apartment during our argument, just an hour before the accident.

 

“Josh…” I say again. I can’t seem to find any words to say.

 

I’ve heard things before, about people being able to hear you while they’re in a coma. I decide now is the time to tell Josh how I really, truly feel.

 

“Josh, it’s Jen. I don’t know if you can hear me. But you know that’s never stopped me from blabbering before.”

 

“I’m so sorry, for everything. For that stupid idea that Liz came up with. I’m not doing that. I don’t know why I thought it was a good idea. I’m so so so sorry, Josh.”

 

At this point, the tears are flowing uncontrollably.

 

This is the hardest thing I’ve ever had to do.

 

“I know you’re going to wake up Josh. I know how strong and tough you are.”

 

Silence fills the room once again, the only noise is the beeping of Josh’s heart monitor.

 

I’m still caressing his hand, and I lean in to kiss his forehead.

 

“I love you, Josh. No matter what. I’m going to be here the whole time. I’m not going anywhere.”

 

I feel the need to reassure him, even though he probably can’t even hear me.

 

I somehow get comfortable in the chair, my hand still interlocked with Josh’s, and I doze off.

\-------------------------------------------------------------------------------

 

“Jennifer, wake up,” Dr. Andrews is standing in front of me, looking panicked.

 

“Oh shit, I fell asleep. Is everything okay? Is Josh okay?”

 

I sit up, glance over at Josh, and what I see has my jaw on the floor.

 

Josh’s eyes are open.

 

He isn’t focused on anything, just staring into the distance.

 

Two nurses start touching him, and talking to him.

 

“Josh, can you squeeze my hand?” one nurse says.

 

The other nurse is tickling the bottom of his foot, trying to get a reaction out of him.

 

 

“I’m going to go tell Michelle. This is a good sign, Jennifer. I’ll give you some more time with him before I do more tests. Call for the nurses if anything else happens,” Dr. Andrews says.

 

I can’t stop staring at Josh. I finally get to see those hazel eyes again, just not the way that I had hoped. I grab hold of Josh’s hand again.

 

“Hey Josh, I’m still here. I told you I wasn’t going anywhere.”

 

He’s still staring out into space.

 

Right when I start losing hope again, I see him kick his leg.

 

I don’t think I could have hit the Nurse Call button any faster.

 

When the nurse walks in I yell, a tad bit too loud, “I JUST SAW HIM KICK.”

 

The nurse checks Josh again then says, “I’ll go get Dr. Andrews.”

 

Now the room is full, the same two nurses, Dr. Andrews, Michelle, and me. They are all examining Josh, trying to get him to kick again, or look at them.

 

“Josh, baby, can you hear me?” I say through my sobs.

 

Our hands are still laced together, and suddenly I feel a squeeze.

 

“JOSH!?”

 

In the blink of an eye, everything changed.

 

Josh was kicking his feet as the nurse tickled them, and squeezing my hand whenever I spoke.

 

“Josh, I’m here. I’m here baby.”

 

His arms and legs are moving slightly, and Dr. Andrews is continuing to examine him.

 

“I’m sorry, you guys can’t be in here right now. We will come get you when things are more stable.”

 

He sounds harsh, but I know he is just trying to figure out what’s going on with Josh as fast as possible.

 

When Michelle and I arrive back at the waiting room, Josh’s dad and Connor are there. They look so distraught, so we fill them in on everything that just happened.

 

What seems like an eternity, but in reality was only about ten minutes, we’re called back into Josh’s room.

 

I hold my breath for the entire walk to the room, and I’m starting to sweat.

 

We all take a seat around the bed.

 

“We think Josh is going to wake up soon,” Dr. Andrews says, shocking all of us.

 

“We’ve lowered all the doses of his medicine, so now it’s just a waiting game.”

 

Michelle and I burst into tears, and hug each other; then she hugs her family.

 

I can’t believe this is happening. Josh is waking up. And soon.

\-------------------------------------------------------------------------------

 

We’ve been sitting around Josh’s bed for close to an hour, and he’s still showing the same signs of improvement.

 

Whenever Michelle and I speak, he squeezes our hands. His eyes are open, but he can’t seem to focus on anything. If you tickle the bottom of his foot, he kicks.

 

Suddenly, Josh starts breathing heavily.

 

Michelle starts to panic, and the nurses call Dr. Andrews back into the room.

 

He calms us all down, and assures us this is normal.

 

I feel like I blinked, and Josh is now struggling to move around.

 

He reaches, and tries to pull out the tubes from his body. He looks so completely panicked, and even though he’s waking up, I’m scared.

 

His breathing is still erratic, and heavy, but Dr. Andrews tries talking to him.

 

“Josh, You’re okay. You’re okay. I’m your doctor. Your family and girlfriend are here,” he says, in a calm voice.

 

Josh is still lying down, but he is looking around the room. He has the most confused look on his face, which worries me.

 

“Wha…..what…..” he tries to speak.

 

“Josh?” Michelle says.

 

As Josh speaks his first full sentence, my heart completely shatters. I feel as if someone has just stabbed me in the heart, and I’m slowly bleeding out onto the floor.

 

“Who, who’s Josh…?”


	4. Chapter 4

I keep replaying it in my head.

 

_“Who, who’s Josh…?”_

 

Amnesia. Josh has amnesia. This can’t be happening.

 

Just to be sure, I pinch my arm. Nope, I’m awake.

 

 

We were rushed, and then confined to this miserable, desolate waiting room once again.

 

I need to get some sleep, but I don’t want to leave Josh. Fuck, he doesn’t even know who I am.

 

“Jen, maybe you should go home and get some rest. You haven’t been out of this hospital since we got here,” Michelle says.

 

The need to escape suddenly overwhelms me. I give Michelle a nod, hug the rest of Josh’s family, and then I get the fuck out of there as fast as possible.

 

Since I came here in the ambulance with Josh, I have to call a cab to get home. It is taking every ounce of strength within me to not curl up in a ball, and fall asleep in the back of this car.

 

When we arrive at my apartment, I pay the cab driver, plus an overly generous tip that I couldn’t give two shits about. I practically run up the stairs until I get to my door.

 

As soon as I enter, I see the dent in the wall. The dent that was formed by Josh’s strong fist. The dent from our fight.

 

I run to the shower, ripping off my clothes along the way. I turn the water on as hot as it goes, and step inside. Once again, tears are uncontrollably streaming down my face.

 

I stand there, the entire bathroom engulfed in the steam from the burning hot water running down my body.

 

Standing surrounded by this steam reminds me of shooting Catching Fire in Hawaii. The poisonous fog. When things got serious between Josh and I…

 

_“You look fucking gross,” Josh says to me, with a huge grin on his face._

_“Thank you so much! Did I ever tell you how nice you were? Asshole.”_

_He’s talking about the poisonous pus blisters covering a significant amount of my body._

_Between the blisters, running around, and falling a few times, I have to agree with Josh. I do look gross._

_“I’m playing zombie too,” Josh says like a little kid, and makes his best zombie noise._

_I laugh, and want to play more, but we have to keep shooting._

_Things between Josh and I were just starting to get serious in Hawaii, so we were ten times more goofy around everyone, to distract them from our personal lives, and to keep what was private, private._

_Later that night, after our last day of shooting, Josh knocks on my hotel room door. When I open it, he has a serious look on his face._

_“What’s wrong?” I ask._

_“Jennifer, will you be my girlfriend?” Josh blurts out._

_I’m shocked, and thrilled, but scared all at the same time. I want this, but I’m terrified that if the public finds out, they will quickly ruin this for us._

_After a few seconds of hesitation, I reply, “Josh.. of course.”_

_He walks me over to the bed, and we sit down. “I have something to give you,” he says._

_“Since we’re done shooting now, I took this. I want you to have it, as a remembrance of our time here in Hawaii.” He gives me a huge grin as he hands me his gift._

_Peeta’s medallion._

_My eyes start to fill up. I can’t believe this. I don’t understand why it took us this long to realize our compatibility, and how good we are for each other._

_“Thank you so much,” I say, as he plays with my long, brown hair._

_I give him a hug, and then we fall back on the bed while kissing…_

My head shoots up, and I break out of my daydream.

 

Peeta’s medallion.

 

Leaving the water running, I jump out of the shower as fast as I can in search of the medallion. I know it’s in my apartment somewhere.

 

I have the sudden desire to find everything that reminds me of Josh; clothing, photographs, the medallion. I have to find that medallion.

 

I’m ripping apart every drawer in my bedroom, my clothes falling to the ground wherever they land. I know it’s in here somewhere.

 

Finally, in my bottom nightstand drawer, I see the gold medallion. I pick it up and put it over my head, and around my neck as fast as possible.

 

I wander around the room, in search of clothes that belong to Josh. I end up putting on a pair of his sweat pants, and one of his plaid button downs. For some odd reason, being in his clothes is bringing me comfort.

 

I wander back into the bathroom, turn off the water in the shower that I left on, and stare at myself in the mirror.

 

His clothes are too big on me, but I don’t care. I stare at my tear stained cheeks, and my red eyes. My appearance couldn’t mean any less to me than it does at this exact moment.

 

I pull my wet, short hair back into a ponytail, and slip the ring back on my finger.

 

This is the last thing I have from Josh. I’m not taking it off any time soon.

 

I continue to stare at my disheveled self in the mirror; Josh’s oversized pants and shirt, Peeta’s medallion, and the ring. It is now that I realize that I’ve never felt this immense amount of sadness before.

 

I slither into my bed, and close my eyes. After what seems like an eternity, I drift off to sleep.

\---------------------------------------------------------

 

I wake with a jolt, and a sudden feeling of panic.

 

Why am I in an empty bed? Where’s Josh?

 

I catch a glimpse of the ring on my left hand, then remember everything that happened.

 

The fight, the accident, the ring, Josh waking up, the amnesia.

 

I have to get back to the hospital. I should have never left him. I promised him I’d stay by his side, and that I wasn’t going anywhere. But I left.

 

I jump out of bed as fast as I can, and run to my car. I have to get back to Josh.

 

The twenty-minute car ride to the hospital felt like three days, but I’ve finally arrived. When I get there, I see Josh’s family is still sitting in the little waiting room, so I decide to join them again.

 

“Hey guys,” I say. They give me strange looks, and I realize I’m still wearing Josh’s clothes. They don’t match, and are a few sizes too big on me. Oh well.

 

“Uh, yeah. I kind of wanted to wear some of his clothes. I hope you don’t mind…”

 

“No, honey, you wear whatever makes you feel comfortable,” Michelle says.

 

We all sit down, in silence, and I stare at the beautiful gold medallion hanging around my neck. This means so much to both Josh and I. I have to keep it close to me.

 

The same goes for this ring. Although he never officially gave it to me, I still feel an overwhelming attachment to it, and I have no plans to take it off any time in the near future.

 

Dr. Andrews knocks lightly on the open door, and asks our permission to enter the room.

 

“Oh good, you’re all here. We’ve finished running tests on Josh, and I have his final diagnosis.”

 

We all stare at Dr. Andrews with wide eyes. Just tell us. Rip the band-aid off, and get it over with.

 

“Josh has Retrograde Amnesia. It is when someone is unable to recall events that occurred before the development of the amnesia.”

 

We’re all silent, urging Dr. Andrews to continue.

 

“Josh suffered some severe cranial trauma, and retrograde amnesia usually follows damage to areas of the brain other than the hippocampus, which is the part involved in encoding new memories. Which is why Josh is able to encode and memorize new things at this point, he just can’t remember anything before his accident.”

 

Michelle, Chris, Connor, and I all stare at each other, unable to form any thoughts, let alone a response to Dr. Andrews.

 

“I’ll give you some time, but Josh is awake if you want to go in his room, and try talking to him. Take your time,” he says politely, and then leaves the room.

 

We all agree that we should go see Josh, and finally find out how bad this really is.

 

In the doorway of Josh’s room I see him lying in his bed. The back of the bed is tilted upward slightly, and he is flipping through the TV channels.

 

His family enters the room, and I watch them introduce themselves to him. It is completely heartbreaking.

 

I make eye contact with him, and now I’m forced to enter. I bite my lip, and walk into the room as slowly as possible.

 

I am so anxious. What am I supposed to say to him? I have to keep reminding myself not to cry, not in front of him.

 

“Hi,” he says, and gives me a shy smile.

 

This is going to be harder than I thought. At least amnesia Josh is just as much of a sweetheart as the Josh I know and love so deeply.

 

“Hi, I’m your…” Fuck, I freeze up. I don’t know what to tell him. “…friend, Jennifer.” Of course I can’t tell him that I’m his girlfriend. I don’t want to freak him out any more than he already is.

 

“Beautiful name for a beautiful girl,” he says, now flashing his beautiful crooked smile.

 

I give him a small smile back, not able to take my eyes off the floor.

 

“I’m sorry. Hi Jennifer, I’m Josh…but you.. already know that…” His face is turning red.

 

“I’m sorry, this is just all so confusing.”

 

“Don’t worry about it, it’s okay. We’ll figure this out.” I try and reassure him.

 

We both smile at each other, and as I bring my hand up to brush some loose hairs out of my face, I see him catch a glimpse of the ring.

 

 

“Oh, that’s a very pretty ring. You’re engaged?” he asks.

 

 

“He must be a very lucky guy.”

 


	5. Chapter 5

_“Cause we had a beautiful, magic love affair. What a sad, beautiful, tragic love affair,”_ I hear coming from my headphones.

 

It’s been one week since I’ve talked to Josh. One long week of not much food, not much activity, and a hell of a lot of Taylor Swift.

 

I’m not sure what I was expecting when I finally spoke to Josh. I knew he had amnesia, but I wasn’t expecting the same exact Josh, my Josh, just without his memories.

 

My Josh. And I can’t have him.

 

He is back at his house in LA; his mom has been staying there and taking care of him. I haven’t had the guts to go over yet, even though she told me to come whenever I wanted. Because all Josh knows is that I’m his friend Jennifer, who is engaged, and it kills me.

 

Suddenly it hits me. Why have I been laying in bed for a week? Doing nothing but feeling bad for myself, and listening to sad music. I was pathetic.

 

I decide that today, I’m going over to Josh’s house. I have to; I can’t avoid this any longer.

 

I take a shower, dry my hair, put on some makeup and decide to wear a cute outfit. If I look good, there’s a chance that Josh without his memories could be attracted to me.

 

What the fuck am I thinking? Josh has a broken leg, and amnesia, and I’m trying to impress him, and look hot for him. I’m an insensitive idiot.

 

When I pull up to his house, I am so nervous. But I know that I have to do this, I have to be around Josh, I have to help him get his memory back.

 

I ring the doorbell, and Michelle answers.

 

“Jen!” she says, and envelops me in a big hug.

 

“Hi, Michelle. I hope it’s okay that I just stopped by.”

 

“Don’t be silly, of course it’s fine! He’s on the couch watching TV, you’re welcome to go join him”

 

“Thanks.” My stomach is doing flips as I walk into Josh’s house, and get closer to him.

 

“Hi, Josh,” I say when I approach him.

 

“Oh! Hey, Jennifer!” he says, sounding unusually cheerful.

 

“What are you up to? Oh…” He’s watching ‘The Hunger Games’.

 

“Yeah.. uhh.. my mom told me I was in movies, and I didn’t believe her.”

 

Watching him looking at the TV, look of pure confusion etched on his handsome face, is breaking my heart. I wish I could take his pain away.

 

“You picked a good one, the actress playing Katniss is a total babe,” I joke to him.

 

He gives me his irresistible crooked smile and a wink, “She’s alright.”

 

After a few minutes, Josh breaks the silence between us. “My mom was showing me pictures of us, we’re close friends?”

 

“Yeah, best friends actually. I know you better than you know yourself.”

 

Josh closes his eyes tight and looks away, and I realize what I just said really hurt him. He doesn’t know himself at all, at the moment.

 

“I’m sorry, I didn’t mean it like that. I just meant I know you really well.”

 

The room is filled with another awkward silence that Josh breaks, once again.

 

“So these movies are based on books?”

 

“Yeah, and they’re really good, you should read them.”

 

“I think I will,” he says, and smiles at me again. Can he please stop doing that? I’m going to explode.

 

“Do you know what you’re doing for the promotion for the next movie? Since it starts in a couple months, are you just not going to attend anything? I’m sure they can think of some excuse that people will believe.”

 

“I don’t know, honestly. What if I go, and pretend to be Josh Hutcherson the actor, and people can tell something’s up… that I’m not me. I don’t even know who he is.”

 

“I can help you. I mean, if you want to ask me anything, you always can.”

 

He gives me a small smile, then we get back to watching the movie. It’s the part where Rue and I are concocting our plan to destroy the Career’s food and supplies. My mind starts to drift away…

 

_“Oh, fuck!” Josh screams._

_“OH MY GOD, JOSH, I’M SO SORRY!” I just kicked him in the temple._

_He’s fallen to the ground, and I’m fucking terrified, and uncontrollably sobbing._

_“Is he okay? Is he okay?” I keep asking, but nobody is answering me._

_Josh finally gets up, and is sitting down with his face in his hands._

_“Josh, I’m so sorry, I didn’t mean to do that. I’m so sorry.”_

Suddenly, I burst out in laughter.

 

Josh shoots me a puzzled look, “You think Rue’s death is funny?”

 

“I’m sorry, I was just laughing about the time I gave you a perfect death blow kick right to your head.”

 

His puzzled look turns into pure confusion, “What…? Please tell me this story!” Now he’s smiling.

 

“So, we were play boxing, and I told you that I could kick over your head. Of course you didn’t believe me, so I went in for the kick, and kicked you right in the temple. Then you went down.”

 

He’s doing that adorable thing when he claps while he laughs, “That sounds awesome, what happened after?”

 

“I gave you a concussion! I cried for days!”

 

We laughed for a few minutes, and turned our attention back to the movie.

 

When it’s over, Josh looks over at me with sad eyes.

 

“Jennifer, I just wanted to apologize to you, for you know, not remembering anything.”

 

His heartbreaking voice sends chills down my spine, and I suddenly have an overwhelming urge to flee. “Josh it’s okay, it’s not your fault, you’ll get through this. Everything will work out. But I should probably go now...”

 

He looks a bit surprised, but says, “Sure, thank you for watching the movie with me.”

 

“No problem. We should do it again sometime.” We hug, and say our goodbyes, and then I’m practically running out the door to my car and speeding to the nearest bar.

\--------------------------------------------------

 

“Two shots of Fireball please.”

 

“Sure thing,” the bartender, a young woman possibly my age, says.

 

When she returns with my two shots of chilled cinnamon whiskey, she says, “Let me guess, boy drama?”

 

“Ding ding ding,” I reply, throwing back one shot.

 

“Oh, I’m sorry. My name’s Holly, just let me know when you’re ready for another drink. You probably will need a few,” she says, and smiles.

 

“Thank you.”

 

I take my second shot, and realize that Josh was the one who introduced me to this alcohol…

 

_“Yes, duh! Bring alcohol! Just pick whatever, I’m not picky! Oh and don’t forget the pizza!”_

_“You’re not picky..? Jen don’t lie to yourself! You know anything I pick you’ll get mad at me!”_

_“Joshy, I don’t care!”_

_“Fine, I’ll be there soon.”_

_30 minutes go by, and Josh finally arrives. He just walks in, not bothering to ring the door bell._

_He finds me sitting on the couch, and walks over and plops down next to me._

_“Pizza is on the counter,” he says, because he knows me so well, and knows that’s my main priority._

_“Thanks Joshy,” I smile at him, and get up to get us both some pizza._

_“What alcohol did you bring? I’m nervous to find out.”_

_“Jen, I told you to tell me exactly what to get!”_

_“Kidding. Show me!” He pulls out a large bottle of something I’ve never laid eyes on, or heard of before._

_“Fireball? Cinnamon whiskey? Josh that sounds disgusting!”_

_“Jen I promise it’s good! You’ll love it,” he flashes me his crooked smile, and I feel butterflies in my stomach. I’m confused why, because it’s only Josh. My best friend. Although we’ve been flirting with each other even more lately, I doubt he feels the same way about me._

_“Wanna bet on it?” I ask, and wink at him._

_“Um, yes! If you don’t like it, you can have all the pizza.”_

_“Deal! And if I like it?”_

_“I get to kiss you.”_

_“Josh…”_

_“I’m sorry, Jen. No, I’ll think of something else.”_

_“No, that works. Deal.” I hold out my hand for him to shake, and after giving me a confusing look, he shakes it._

_Josh pours us each a shot, and I’m secretly hoping that I will like it._

_He looks deeply into my eyes, and says “On the count of three… one, two, three.”_

_We both take our shot, and he’s staring at me waiting for my reaction._

_“Josh, this is delicious…”_

_He grabs my face and kisses me. Our first kiss as Jen and Josh, and not Katniss and Peeta._

_We stop kissing, and he rests his forehead against mine. “I have feelings for you Jen. You don’t have to feel the same way, or respond. We can just eat our pizza, drink our Fireball, and watch a movie. Pretend like this never happened. I just wanted to tell you how I feel.”_

_He lets go, and after a minute of awkward silence, I grab his face and kiss him. He seems surprised at first, but then he starts to kiss me back._

_We spend the rest of the night watching movies, stuffing our faces with pizza, and getting wasted on Fireball. Oh, and making out._

Holly wakes me out of my daydream, and asks me if I’d like to order anything else.

 

“A few more Fireball shots would be awesome, thank you.”

 

It’s going to take a lot of alcohol to numb this pain.

\--------------------------------------------------

 

After about five shots of Fireball and four beers, I’m stumbling out of the bar.

 

“Bye Holly!” I’m yelling to the bartender, who apparently is my new best friend. “I love you!”

 

She probably thinks I’m crazy, but we bonded over a two hour long heart-to-heart. I liked her because she never brought up the fact that I was Jennifer Lawrence. Even though I was extremely drunk.

 

I miss my boyfriend Josh. I need to go be with him.

 

So I call a cab, and when it arrives, I fall into the back seat, and give the driver Josh’s address.

 

The cab costs $30, but I hand the driver a $100 bill.

 

“Thank you so much, you’re seriously the best cab driver in the world!”

 

I stumble out of the cab, and make my way to Josh’s front door. I see Michelle’s car is in the driveway. Why is she here? Oh well, I just have to be extra quiet now.

 

I rummage through my purse in search of Josh’s house key. When I find it, I unlock the door, and sneak inside. I tip toe up the stairs, and smirk to myself, hoping that Josh is sleeping naked tonight.

 

I’m really tired. The whole house is spinning. I need to make it to Josh’s bed.

 

When I get to his bedroom, I sneak into the bed, and pass the fuck out.

\--------------------------------------------------

 

I wake suddenly. Where am I?

 

I blink a few times to clear my eyes, and see a Kentucky Wildcats poster. I look on the bedside table, and see a frame with a photo of me? What? I blink a few more times. It’s a photo of me and Josh.

 

Holy fucking shit. I’m in Josh’s bed.

 

He barely knows who the fuck I am, and I’m in his bed.

 

How did I get here? The cab.

 

Where is my car? The bar.

 

Fuck. Fuck. Fuck. Fuck.

 

I try and slip out of the bed making as little movements as possible. Josh stirs next to me, and rolls over. Fuck.

 

He opens his eyes and instantly sits up, looking extremely confused.

 

“Jennifer..? What the hell?”


	6. Chapter 6

“Holy shit. Josh, I am so sorry.”

 

“Jennifer, what the fuck is going on? Why are you in my bed? In your clothes from yesterday..?”

 

“Josh, I am so sorry. I went to a bar after your house, and I must have come here for some reason. I don’t know, I’m so confused and my head is pounding right now.”

 

“Why do you have a key to my house? Do all of my friends have keys to my house?”

 

He is so perplexed, and I can’t stand to see him this way. I break down and tell him the truth. I have to tell him about us.

 

“No, none of your friends do. Because I’m not your friend.”

 

“What...? What are you trying to say?”

 

I take a deep breath, stare right into his sleepy hazel eyes and say, “I’m your girlfriend. Well, I was your girlfriend, up until your accident Because you.. um.. don’t remember me.”

 

He stares off into space. I can tell he is thinking very hard, because he always creases his brow. I don’t know what to say, so I wait patiently for him to form a thought, and speak.

 

“What..? Why didn’t anyone tell me? I deserve to know my fucking life.” He turns out to be a lot more mad than I had anticipated.

 

“Josh, I’m sorry. We were trying to protect you.”

 

“By lying to me? By hiding my life from me? This is already hard and confusing enough, I don’t need the people closest to me to fucking keep things from me.”

 

“I know I should have told you I just…”

 

“Yeah, you should have.” He cuts me off.

 

“I should go.”

 

“No. Please. I need you to explain things to me. I want you to tell me everything. I don’t want anyone keeping things from me anymore. I deserve to know my own damn life.”

 

“Okay, so what do you want to know?”

 

“Why you have that ring on your finger.” He snaps, with his lips pressed into a thin line.

 

“Josh…” I don’t know how to tell him. This is harder than I thought it would be. I don’t want to keep him in the dark, he should know. But on the other hand, it’s so difficult to tell him, because of how unhappy he is with this amnesia, as anyone would be. I have to just spit it out, for Josh’s sake.

 

“Josh…” I repeat again, sounding like a fool. “We were never really engaged. When they uh… when they took your clothes off when you were in the hospital. They found the ring in your pocket, and gave it to me. I’m sorry for wearing it, I’m sorry you never even gave it to me and I’m wearing it. I feel so stupid.”

 

He’s just giving me a blank stare, and then covers his face with his hands. I feel like shit. My poor Josh, he’s hurting so much.

 

“I’m so sorry, Jennifer. I can’t remember anything, and it’s fucking killing me.”

 

I take a chance, and hug him. He returns the hug, surprising me. “Josh, you will get through this. Please let me help.”

 

“I’m sorry, but I just… I don’t remember anything. I don’t remember our relationship. I think for now, can you just be my friend? You’ve been great support for me. You were there when I woke up, and you’ve been a really great friend. Can you just do that for me please?” He’s crying now.

 

“Of course, Josh. I’ll be anything you want me to be. I love you…” Fuck, why did I say that? I’m an idiot. “I’m sorry. I’m so sorry.”

 

Josh doesn’t say anything, he just continues to cry in my arms. I have no idea how hard this must be for him. It’s breaking my fucking heart.

 

“I can’t believe you came to my house drunk and got in bed with me,” thankfully he starts to laugh.

 

“Oh my god, Josh. I was so drunk.” We let go of each other, and laugh. Suddenly Michelle is in the doorway of his room. She looks confused why I’m in Josh’s bed in my clothes from yesterday, and why we are cracking up.

 

“Um, hey Jen, what are you doing here?”

 

“I invited her over last night, I hope that’s okay. Nothing happened, mom. We’re just friends.” Josh sounds like a teenager who just got caught with a girl in his room.

 

“Oh… no that’s fine.” Michelle still has a confused look on her face.

 

“Michelle, can I talk to you?” I have to tell her that I told Josh the truth.

 

We go into the spare bedroom, where she has been staying. “I’m sorry, but I told Josh the truth. I told him that I was his girlfriend pre-amnesia. I also told him about the ring.”

 

“Thank you.” Michelle says, which catches me off guard.

 

“What…?” I say. “What are you thanking me for?”

 

“I think it’s best that Josh knows most of his past. He needs to know, he doesn’t deserve any of this. I’ve read that telling people with amnesia about their past, and showing them things, could sometimes get their memories back. I thought we should try and spark his memory. I wanted him to know about you guys but it wasn’t my place to tell, I’m glad you finally did.”

 

“I guess we should try that. You know, sparking his memory.”

 

“I think it’s worth a shot. Oh, and Jen, tell me how you really ended up in his bed.” She smirks at me, she knows her son too well to know when he’s lying.

 

“Well, when I left here last night, I kind of went to a bar, and uh… drank my feelings.”

 

“Jen!” She lightly smacks my arm. “Please tell me you didn’t drive!”

 

“No! I took a cab. My car is still where I left it at the bar.”

 

“Okay, well whenever you’re ready to go, I’ll drive you to your car.”

 

“Thank you, Michelle.”

 

I walk back into Josh’s room, and he’s sitting up on his bed, scrolling through his phone.

 

“Hey, can you help me? Can you tell me who all of these people are under ‘Favorites’ on my phone? I feel so stupid.”

 

“Josh, you aren’t stupid. Jennifer, that’s me. Mom and Dad, those are your parents of course, Connor is your brother, Andre is your best friend, Liam and Woody are your friends from ‘The Hunger Games’ movies, Francis is the director of ‘The Hunger Games’ movies, except the first one which is kind of irrelevant right now.”

 

He’s smiling at me. “What are you looking at?” I ask him.

 

“Thank you, for doing this. For helping me.”

\-------------------------------------------

 

It’s been three days since I drunkenly got into Josh’s bed. We have been texting, and I guess it’s safe to say that we’re friends. Which is good enough for me right now. Even though I so badly want my Joshy back.

 

My phone vibrates in my hand, a new message from Josh.

 

Josh: **What are you up to today?**

Me: **Nothing, why what’s up?**

 

Josh: **I just want to hang out with you. Do you want to come over?**

 

Me: **Sure, just tell me when.**

 

Josh: **Now?**

 

Me: **On my way! :)**

\-------------------------------------------

 

I show up to Josh’s house with a bunch of his favorite things. Cinnamon rolls, some DVD’s of his favorite movies, and most importantly McDonald’s.

 

I see Michelle’s car isn’t here, so I decide to just walk in.

 

“Josh? I’m here!” I yell, but get no response. I leave everything I brought on the kitchen table, and I decide to search the house. Besides, where could he even go, he has a broken leg.

 

I find Josh sitting in his bed, immersed in the ‘Mockingjay’ book.

 

“Hey, Josh, didn’t you hear me yelling downstairs?”

 

“Oh, no. Sorry. I’m just really into this book. I read the first two in three days and now I’m about halfway done the last one.”

 

“Why did you read them so fast? You were never really that into reading before.”

 

“Because I’m going to do promo for Mockingjay: Part 1.”

 

“Josh…”

 

“No Jennifer. You can’t convince me not to. I think it’s best if I know the story like the back of my hand, and do these interviews like nothing is wrong. You’ll help me, won’t you?”

 

Now I’m scared. I don’t want Josh to get hurt, and the stress of trying to remember everything, and pretend to be someone he isn’t, at the moment, will overwhelm him. He thinks he can just know the story and some fun things that happened on set, and go into an interview and nobody will know or suspect a thing.

 

“Josh, it’s not that easy…”

 

“Please…”

 

If Josh with amnesia is as good of an actor as the old Josh was, he actually might be able to pull this off.

 

“Okay, fine. I’ll help you.”

 

He pulls me into a tight hug, “Thank you so much Jennifer!”

 

I breathe in his scent; his distinct Josh scent, which drives me crazy.

 

“Okay, let’s get started. Any questions?”

 

“My character, Peeta, he gets tortured, and brainwashed, they call it hijacking?”

 

“Yes, he was injected with tracker jacker venom… which you can just think of as a poisonous wasp-like bug, and brainwashed and distorted all of his thoughts of Katniss to negative ones, then he tries to kill her. If they ask what it was like to shoot that, just say you were excited, because it was a new challenge for you as an actor, and just make shit up. Say that when you read the books at first, this was what you were most excited for.”

 

“I just had an idea,” I say. “We should flirt during interviews, to distract people.”

 

“Oh, Jennifer, I don’t know about that.”

 

“Come on Joshy!… I mean Josh. Its brilliant! No one will suspect a thing about your amnesia, just about our so-called relationship.” I put air quotes around the word relationship. “We have to do it!”

 

“I mean, maybe it could work.”

 

“Don’t even worry about it. I’ll just touch you a lot and be flirty towards you. Just reciprocate whatever I do. All you have to do is make a circle with your fingers like this.” I put my fingers in a circle to play the circle game, just like we used to do on set of the movies.

 

“Um, why…?”

 

“Just do it, trust me.”

 

He skeptically agrees, and I proceed talking, while looking up interviews from ‘The Hunger Games’ and ‘Catching Fire on YouTube on my phone, to show him.

 

“So, maybe we should run through some practice interview questions?” When I turn to look at Josh, he just stares at me. I see his eyes start to tear up. “Josh, what’s wrong?”

 

He covers his face with his hands, and he’s crying again. I’ve never seen Josh cry this much and I’ve known him for years.

 

I hug him and say, “Josh, please talk to me, tell me what’s wrong.”

 

He is crying so much, that he can barely form proper words. “I can’t… I can’t… do this. Why did… this happen… to me?”

 

“Josh, I told you everything would be okay. Can you please believe me? You’re the strongest person I know, you can get through anything.”

 

“I don’t… even know… who I am. It’s so… frustrating.” He says in between sobs.

 

I just continue to hug Josh, and reassure him that everything will be okay. Even though he doesn’t believe me. I wouldn’t believe me either. I can’t even begin to understand how hard it would be to lose all your memories, to lose the life you once knew.

 

“Everything will be okay. Shhhh…”

 

He pulls away from our hug, and is suddenly extremely angry. “Jennifer, if you tell me everything will be okay one more time I’m going to fucking scream. It won’t be okay. NOTHING IS OKAY RIGHT NOW. DO YOU NOT FUCKING UNDERSTAND THAT? I DON’T KNOW MYSELF, I DON’T KNOW ANYTHING.” He shouts at me.

 

“Josh, calm down…”

 

“Stop.” He cuts me off. I don’t know what I did to make Josh so upset, I was just trying to help him, and comfort him like I used to. But things aren’t like they used to, and I’m still having a hard time accepting that.

 

“I’m sorry, I don’t know what to say.” I’m starting to tear up now. I feel so badly for Josh, and I’m trying so hard to help him through this, but nothing I do seems to work.

 

“Then don’t say anything.” Josh says.

 

An awkward silence fills the entire room. We sit here, on Josh’s bed, for a few minutes, until I decide to break the uncomfortable silence.

 

“I brought you food, and some of your favorite movies,” I say, hesitantly.

 

He looks at me, with red eyes and tear stained cheeks, “I’m sorry, but I think you should just go. I want to be alone.”

 

He catches me off guard, and I instantly regret the words that come out of my mouth. “Josh please, I’m trying to help you. You don’t understand how hard this is for me!”

 

“Oh, excuse me. Am I being insensitive to your fucking feelings? This is hard for YOU? You have your fucking memories and I have nothing. I know nothing. I’m trying to figure out who the fuck I am and it’s hard for you!? OH I’M SO SORRY JENNIFER!!!”

 

Oh no, more word vomit, “Josh, I’m still in love with you, and I’ve basically lost you! You don’t remember me; you don’t remember us. It’s hard to just be your friend when I love you so much!” Why do I always fuck everything up? I still feel responsible for the accident, and I’m still continuing to hurt him.

 

“I can’t believe this shit! Un-fucking-believable!”

 

“I’m sorry. I’m so sorry. I didn’t mean that, please let me explain.”

 

“Get the fuck out of my house, Jennifer.”


	7. Chapter 7

_Josh-_

I feel like my head is going to explode. I’m not sure if it’s from all the crying I’ve been doing, or the fact that I’m frustrated beyond belief.

 

It’s been about 2 hours since I got a bit too angry, and kicked my friend, Jennifer, out of my house. All I have done since then is lay in my bed, cry, punch something, and repeat.

Have I always been this hotheaded? I wouldn’t know. I don’t know anything.

 

I need to get out of this bed right now; I can’t take it any longer. I grab my crutches that are leaning against my bedside table, and try to situate them under my armpits as comfortable as possible, which isn’t much.

 

I make my way down the stairs, one step at a time, on these stupid crutches. Not only has my brain been wiped away of all its memories, but my leg is broken as well. Fuck this shit.

 

I wish I would have just died in the accident. This is no way to live. Not knowing who you are, who your family is, who your friends are, who your girlfriend is.

 

When I finally make it to the kitchen, I see the table is full of presents, from Jennifer. Fuck, I really fucked this up. She has always been there for me, and I just lost my temper, and probably her.

 

There is a bag of food from McDonalds, which is now cold, and a container of cinnamon rolls. When I pick up the bag of food, I see three DVDs; ‘White Men Can’t Jump,’ ‘Space Jam,’ and ‘Fight Club.”

 

I’m guessing I like these movies, I don’t remember. I make the decision to park my ass on the couch all day, and watch them. Besides, it’s not like I have anything else to do.

 

I put ‘White Men Can’t Jump’ in my DVD player, lay on the couch, and take my cold McDonald’s out of the bag. I really need to text Jennifer, and apologize. I was a total jerk, and she was right, she was just trying to help. This is just so fucking hard.

 

Josh: **I’m so sorry. I didn’t mean it, I’m just so fucking frustrated. Thank you for the food. Come back and watch these movies with me? :)**

 

I quickly notice this movie is about basketball. I wonder if I liked basketball…

 

_Jen-_

The vibration of my phone wakes me out of my blubbering state. I can’t believe I had that huge, and entirely unintentional fight with Josh. What was I thinking?

 

I hope the text message on my phone isn’t from him. I wouldn’t even know what to say at the moment. I wince as I search my purse for my phone, the newly formed bruises and cuts on my knuckles smash against every item inside.

 

The bruises and cuts…

 

_Josh just kicked me out. It is so hard for me to form any coherent thoughts, except that I may have just lost him forever._

_I’m practically running to my car, and trying to keep my composure. This may hurt worse than the accident, because now I have to live with the fact that Josh hates me._

_As soon as I’m inside the car I let loose._

_Tears of mascara dripping down my face, and uncontrollable sobbing; I miss the old Josh. I miss my Josh._

_A strong feeling of rage fills my body, and I punch the steering wheel. It feels good to get my anger out, so I keep doing it._

_The sight of blood stops me instantly. The tears stop, and I turn on the car and speed home._

Shit. The text is from Josh… “I’m so sorry. I didn’t mean it, I’m just so fucking frustrated. Thank you for the food. Come back and watch these movies with me? :)”

 

I’m amazed that I have any tears left inside of me to cry. I should be shriveled up on the floor, my body drained of all its moisture.

 

I can’t answer Josh right now. Instead of fucking this up even more, I decide to stay silent.

 

I take a swig of NyQuil straight from the bottle, and curl up into a ball in my bed. I need it to make me sleep throughout the night; I need to get a good night’s sleep…

 

\------------------------------------------

\------------------------------------------

\------------------------------------------

_Josh-_

It’s been two months since I’ve texted Jennifer, and I’ve still gotten no response.

 

I’ve travelled to Austria for an interview that I’m not even sure I can do. I’ve been here for a day now, and after two months of studying and practicing for the interviews, I’m stuck in bed with a bad case of strep throat. I convinced my mom that I could do this on my own, and that she could trust me. So now, I’m in my hotel room, extremely lonely and very sick.

 

I need Jennifer back in my life.

 

She is supposed to arrive in Austria today, so I take a risk and text her.

 

Josh: **Would you come to my hotel room today? We need to talk. Room 205**

Almost an instant response, Jennifer: **Sure Josh. See you soon.**

Now I just need to figure out what the hell to say to her…

\------------------------------------------

 

_Jen-_

Fuck, I have to come face to face with Josh. It’s been months, but I just don’t know what to say to him.

 

I knew it would only result in trouble, and hardship for Josh if I responded to that text message months ago, and I figured he was in so much pain that it was best for me to just set him free.

 

I miss him like crazy.

 

I agreed to go to his hotel room today to talk, so naturally I make a pit stop at the liquor store once I arrive in Austria. I’m so nervous, and I need some liquid courage.

 

After browsing the aisles of the liquor store multiple times, I decide on a bottle of Fireball. Mainly, because it reminds me of Josh. Also, I’m surprised they have it here.

 

When I get settled into my hotel room, which happens to be a few doors down from Josh’s, I open my Fireball. I don’t have any cups, so I resort to drinking straight from the bottle.

 

I’m taking swigs as I unpack, and suddenly I’m stumbling around, and I see that the bottle is half gone. Fuck.

 

“Time to go see Joshy!” I say to myself.

 

I kick my heels off, grab my bottle, and make my way to Josh’s room.

 

I repeatedly smash my fist against the door, and yell, “Josh! Josh!”

 

He opens the door with a puzzled expression on his beautiful face. After a minute of staring at me, he finally speaks, “Jennifer, are you drunk?”

 

“Yes I am, Joshua. Yes I am. Would you like some?” I wave the Fireball bottle in front of his face. “It’s your favorite.”

 

A sweet smile spreads over his face, “Sure, come on in.”

 

Josh grabs the bottle from me and takes a big sip. “This is fucking delicious.”

 

“I told you it’s your favorite!” We sit next to each other on his bed. I can’t help but stare at Josh’s beautiful features while he drinks.

 

“Jennifer, I just wanted to apologize…”

 

“Shhhh, Josh. It’s okay.” I touch my index finger to his lips. He keeps blabbering, but I’m not listening, and he continues to drink.

 

“I’m going to pee,” I say, and walk provocatively to the bathroom, making sure my ass looks perfect in my skirt.

 

When I get back in his room, he’s laying on the bed. Due to my drunken state, I lay down with him.

 

We pass the bottle back and forth in silence, taking big gulps. Soon enough, the bottle is gone. I know Josh is drunk, because he rolls over and hugs me.

 

“Jen, I’m sorry I didn’t mean to kick you out I was mad and frustrated, but I’m better now. Much, much better. I still don’t know who the fuck I am though.” He starts to laugh.

 

“You finally called me Jen…” I don’t know what comes over me, courage from the alcohol maybe, but I lean in and kiss Josh.

 

To my surprise he doesn’t pull away. He grabs the back of my head, and pulls me closer to him.

 

We kiss for a few minutes, and suddenly I’m straddling him. An infinite amount of time passes by, and we continue to make out. I feel Josh’s hard length press against me, and it wakes me up out of my daze. What the fuck am I doing?

 

“Josh I am so sorry,” I slowly push myself off of him. I’m mortified when I see my pink lipstick smeared around his mouth.

 

I can’t stop hiccupping. I must have drank more than I thought. This can’t be good. Josh gets up to retrieve a bottle of water from the mini fridge. “Arms up,” he says.

 

Shit, he remembers how I cure my hiccups.

 

“Where did you learn how to do this?” I ask. I put my arms up, and he holds the water bottle up to my mouth as I drink. As I’m lowering my arms he says, “I don’t know, I just remembered.”

 

When my hiccups are gone I wipe my lipstick off of Josh’s face. We’re sitting in silence, neither one of us knowing exactly what to say to the other. Suddenly, my stomach is doing flips, and I think I have to throw up.

 

“I think I’m gonna be sick…” I say as I run to the bathroom. Josh follows behind, and holds my blonde hair back, as I yack my lunch into his toilet.

 

“I think you may have drank a bit too much,” Josh says, trying to be funny. I miss his sense of humor so badly.

 

When my vomiting has ceased, I make myself comfortable in the fetal position on Josh’s cold, tile bathroom floor. “I’ll forget the kiss happened if you forget I just barfed,” I say.

 

“Deal,” he replies. “I’m sorry, my brain is just so cloudy from the alcohol. I don’t want to lead you on. I’m still too confused in my head to have any feelings for anyone.” I don’t think Josh is as drunk as I thought he was, which makes me even more embarrassed.

 

“Just leave me here to die of humiliation.”

 

“Jen, get the fuck up off the floor, and let’s get some food!”

 

“And more alcohol?”

 

“Sure, why not? When in Europe.”

 

\-------------------------

_Jen-_

I wake up the next morning still in Josh’s hotel room. I really need to stop winding up in his bed. I look around and see empty beer bottles, and food containers, scattered around the floor. What a fucking night.

 

We ate, we drank, we laughed, and we watched movies. It truly felt like old times, and I was beginning to think things could get back to the way they were.

 

Except we both know they can’t.

 

I sneak out of the bed, and make my way back to my room. The pain in my head almost brings tears to my eyes. When I arrive, I pop a few Advil, strip, and get take a steaming hot shower.

 

I think about my kiss with Josh, and the feeling of him pressing against my leg. I missed it so much. My hand involuntarily slides down, and lands between my thighs. I quickly pull away and reprimand myself, “Stop it, Jen!”

 

I dry myself off, get dressed, and lay down. On top of my hangover, my throat is fucking killing me. What the hell, how did I get sick?

 

 

I take my phone out and text him;

 

Jennifer: **Any explanation as to why my throat is on fire?**

Josh: **Oh yeah… about that…**

Jennifer: **JOSH! I have an interview later today! Fuck. Lol**

Josh: **I’m sorry! I forgot I had strep**

Jennifer: **STREP? Josh you gave me your disease! Now I’m going to die! Thanks a lot!!!**

Josh: **Stop being over dramatic and call a damn doctor**

I call my assistant, who calls a doctor to rush to my hotel. I have to go on the talk to Wetten, Dass..? later on today with Liam, Josh is too sick to attend. Luckily, my sickness isn’t as bad as his, since he is stuck in bed with a fever in addition to the strep.

 

I need to sleep this hangover off, so I’m going to take a nap until my doctor gets here…

 

\---------------------------

A boy, looking no older than 18 or 20, wearing ripped converse, jeans, and a shirt that says ‘a real woman never lets her man leave hungry or horny’, awakes me. “What the hell…?” I say, in my husky, just-waking-up voice.

 

“Hello, Miss Lawrence. I’m your doctor,” he says.

 

“Whose little brother are you?” I try to make a joke, but I’m really lightheaded and out of it.

 

He ignores me and says, “We’re going to give you an IV of antibiotics, okay?”

 

“Whatever man, just heal me with your drugs,” I joke again, feeling even more dizzy.

 

Lying here with an IV in each arm is absolute torture, and for some reason I still feel extremely groggy.

 

I close my eyes slowly, and my head feels as if it weighs a ton. Then I don’t remember anything else…

 

_“Jen, wake up baby.”_

_“Nooo, Joshy. Don’t make me.”_

_“I made you breakfast…”_

_I shoot straight up, “Josh, what are you waiting for? Get the fuck out of bed!”_

_I run downstairs, and see the breakfast buffet that Josh made for me. Pancakes, bacon, eggs, toast, even the breakfast potatoes he knows I love._

_I turn around and see Josh leaning against the wall staring at me, “Happy birthday baby.” He walks over to me, and gives me the biggest hug. “I love you so much, even if you’re three years older than me.”_

_“Oh shut up,” I give him a kiss. “Thank you for the birthday breakfast Joshy, and in a few months I will only be two years older than you!”_

_“You know how I love older women…” He pushes me against the wall and attacks my mouth with his. I’m unsure how long he has me pinned against the wall kissing me, but suddenly it hits me, “Josh! The food is getting cold!”_

_I push him off me, and he looks disappointed. “I love you Josh,” I smirk at him._

_“I love you more.”_

“Josh…?”

 

To my disappointment, it isn’t Josh, just the teenage doctor. He’s adjusting my IV’s, and tells me about how I passed out.

 

“Tell me something I don’t know,” I reply, being a complete bitch for no reason.

 

I pull out my phone, and text Josh.

 

Jennifer: **I hate you for getting me sick.**

 

I get butterflies in my stomach when I see his reply.

 

Josh: **I’m sorry! Love you too!**

 


	8. Chapter 8

_Jen-_

We’re both still sick, but we manage to make it through these interviews. Thankfully, we are mostly being asked generic questions about the movie, which makes it easy for Josh. I’ve lost count of how many times he’s been asked about Peeta’s brainwashing and torturing.

 

Josh answers the questions like a pro. He must have really done his studying.

 

My feelings for Josh have come back at full force, which scares me. Neither of us has brought up our drunken kiss a few nights ago, and I hope it stays that way.

 

Liam knows about the accident, and the amnesia. He has been great with Josh in the interviews, and Josh has been his normal, goofy self. His acting has been so top notch that sometimes I forget he isn’t the Josh I once knew, the Josh I was madly in love with. Well, that I still am in love with. He deserves a damn Oscar for this role.

 

I can’t stop touching Josh during the interviews. I don’t know if it’s because of my feelings for him, or I’m trying to put him at ease. I don’t fucking know. My head is so cloudy.

 

It boosts my ego when I look over and see Josh tugging at his pants to relieve himself. I must still have that effect on him, but I can’t think like that right now. He has made it clear he doesn’t want to be anything but my friend.

 

And I’ll do anything to keep Josh in my life.

 

\---------------------------------

\---------------------------------

\---------------------------------

_Josh-_

Fuck this. I’ve only been around my family for one day, and they look at me like I’m an alien from another planet.

 

_“Josh, do you remember me?” “Josh, do you remember what you even like to eat on Thanksgiving?” “Josh, do you remember anything?” “So, you have like zero memories?”_

I can’t fucking take it anymore. My aunts, uncles, and cousins gave me an in depth inquisition all damn day. I had to flee.

 

I’m on my way to Jen’s family’s house in Louisville. She told me her family doesn’t know about the accident, or about the amnesia. I’m safe from questions and weird stares there.

 

“Hey Joshy!” Jen answers the door, and wraps me up in a huge hug. I can smell the alcohol on her breath.

 

“Hey Jen, are you drunk already? Without me?” I ask, giving her a sad face.

 

“Josh, don’t do my platypus face! Come on, I have a surprise for you.”

 

Although I have no idea what she means by her ‘platypus face’, I follow her upstairs. I know this is her bedroom, because I see pictures of her and I everywhere. It feels strange.

 

“Look what I bought for you!” She holds up a big bottle of Fireball. I could really use some right about now.

 

“Woah, thanks Jen. Open that shit now!” We take turns taking sips from the bottle, just as we did in Austria.

 

After we drink a good amount of the bottle, we go downstairs, and I have to say hello to everyone. This is easy, because of my buzz, and because I’m just acting like the Josh from the Mockingjay promo. No one suspects a thing.

 

Jen and I keep to ourselves most of the night, stuffing our faces with delicious Thanksgiving food, and drinking too much of the delicious cinnamon whisky that we both love.

 

Now it’s late, and her whole family is already gone. Jen and I are lying on the couch in the basement watching a movie, neither of us paying much attention because we’re both too drunk.

 

Suddenly, I feel Jen’s hand interlock with mine.

 

_Jen-_

I’m unsure why, but I grab ahold of Josh’s hand. I’m too drunk to think clearly. We both are.

 

To my surprise he turns onto his side, grabs the back of my head, and kisses me. His lips taste like cinnamon whisky, and home. The butterflies in my stomach begin to flutter again, and everything feels like it used to. I’m not stopping it this time.

 

Josh reaches down and cups my ass with his strong hand. I wrap my leg around his body and press myself into his familiar, and now hard, length. I miss that part of him more than anything.

 

Our kisses get more intense, and Josh slides his hand under my shirt and bra, and caresses me. I arch my back and a soft, quiet moan escapes my lips. I never want to stop kissing Josh.

 

Then, from the alcohol, my brain gets fuzzy, and the rest of the night is a blur…

\------------------------------

I wake the next morning, with the nonexistent weight of a thousand pounds crushing my skull. Why do I feel like I’m constantly hungover now? I need to calm down.

 

Josh and I are crammed onto this little couch in my basement. Why did we sleep here?

 

I throw my legs over the side of the couch, and when I stand up I’m instantly shivering. Why the fuck am I naked?

 

I lift up the blanket, and take a curious peek at Josh. Shit, he’s naked too. Guiltily, I take in Josh’s naked form. My eyes skim his body up and down multiple times. My hand reaches down to touch him, but I pull it back almost instantly. After what feels like an eternity, I lay the blanket back down. I miss his gorgeous, muscular body so much.

 

A million questions are running through my brain, and I can’t think straight. Nothing makes sense right now.

 

“Fuck…” I whisper. Josh starts to stir, so I get back under the blanket and pretend to be asleep.

 

“Jen…?” he says. I fake a big stretch, and act like I’m just opening my eyes for the first time this morning.

 

“Uh, good morning. Why uh, did we sleep here?”

 

This couch. This couch was always our getaway when we were at my family’s home in Kentucky. Where we snuck away, and usually had sex, hidden in the depths of the basement. No one ever came down here except for Josh and I, and now we’re back, but under extremely different circumstances.

 

“I don’t know, I think we were watching a movie.” Why is he ignoring the fact that we both woke up naked together? Unlike me who is freaking out on the inside, is he not even the slightest bit concerned?

 

“Josh, what the hell happened last night?” I blurt out.

 

“I uh, I don’t really remember…” Shit.

 

I look across the room, and see a little foil packet on the ground, on the other side of the room.

 

“Fuck, Josh!” I get up and run over to it, ignoring the fact that I’m completely naked.

 

I pick up the packet, and it’s empty. My lungs feel like they are getting smaller and smaller, making it nearly impossible for me to breathe.

 

“Holy shit.” Josh says. “Is that… is that a condom wrapper?”

 

“Yup…” I don’t even care that Josh has a perfect view of my naked body. At this point, I doubt he does either.

 

“Did we…?” Josh says so quietly that I almost miss it.

 

I ignore his question, because something else catches my eye on the ground. I walk over and bend down to inspect it. Holy fucking shit.

 

“I think we have bigger problems.” I say.

 

I thought that if we did have drunk sex last night, I’m glad we used protection. But I was wrong, I was so wrong. Lying on the ground is an unused condom. Josh must have tried using it last night but took it off and threw it across the room. Sounds just like my old Josh to me.

 

The main problem though; I stopped taking my birth control after the accident.

 

“What? What is it Jen?”

 

“The contents of this wrapper. Unused.”

 

“Fuck! Jen I’m so sorry. Are you at least um, on the pill?”

 

“Nope.”

 

“Shit. What about that morning after pill?

 

“Gross, no fucking way! I’m not putting those chemicals in my body! I know the side effects! Besides, I just finished my period, it should be fine.”

 

“Are you sure?”

 

“Positive.”

\------------------------------

It’s been a month since Josh and I had drunk sex in my parent’s basement. What a fucking shit show.

 

We still talk, and remained friends. There was no way I was pushing Josh out of my life again.

 

I think I have the stomach flu. I’ve been throwing up for two days. I haven’t even left my bed except to vomit.

 

Josh is coming over to take care of me. He’s still so supportive even without his old memories of me.

 

I’ve been a bit worried, because of the vomiting, the fatigue, and the fact that my period is late. I keep telling myself it’s just the stomach flu, and to stop overreacting. _Stomach flu, stomach flu, stomach flu,_ I repeat in my head.

 

“Jen! I’m here!” I hear Josh yell from downstairs.

 

“I’m in my room!” I shout back.

 

He appears in the doorway, holding a brown paper bag. “I brought you some soup, you don’t have to eat it. I just thought maybe you should try and get something in your stomach.”

 

“Thank you, Joshy.”

 

He got me chicken noodle, my favorite. I wonder for a moment if he remembered that it’s my favorite soup, but I dismiss the thought quickly. I eat very slowly, trying to avoid upsetting my stomach again.

 

“Jen, can I ask you something? Don’t get mad.”

 

“Sure.” I know what he’s going to say before he even speaks.

 

“Are you sure it’s just the stomach flu? And not…”

 

“Yes, Josh. I’m sure.”

 

“I bought this…” he pulls out a box containing a pregnancy test. Here we go. “Will you take it? If you’re sure it’s just the flu, then it would make me feel better knowing for a fact that it is.”

 

“Josh…”

 

“Please, Jen. I’ve been trying to stay calm, but I need to fucking know.”

 

Little does Josh know that I’m terrified. I don’t want to take the test because I’m scared of the result. I’ve convinced myself that it is just the stomach flu, but what if it isn’t? I don’t know what I’d do.

 

“Fine.” I grab the box from his hand and storm into the bathroom.

 

I throw my soup up into the toilet, and then pee on the little stick. I’m freaking out, but I don’t want Josh to know.

 

I walk out of the bathroom, and he has such a nervous look on his face that I walk over and give him a hug.

 

“It takes three minutes. It’ll be okay. It’s just the stomach flu.”

 

“I’m so scared, Jen. I’m not ready to be a father…”

 

“You’re not going to be.” I cut him off.

 

We spend the three minutes wrapped in each other’s arms in silence.

 

Josh doesn’t know we’ve been through this same exact scenario about a year ago…

 

_We’re lying in my bed, waiting for this dreadful three minutes to be up. Josh is running his fingers up and down my arm, trying to relax me._

_“Shhh, Jen. It’s going to be okay.”_

_“What… what… if I’m… pregnant…” I say between sobs._

_“Jen, if you are pregnant, I will love you and this baby more than anything else in the entire world. I promise you.”_

_“Why? You could leave… You don’t need this…” I can’t stop crying._

_“I would never, ever leave you. And I do need this. I need you.” He’s starting to cry as well, because I think as brave as he’s trying to be, he is not ready for this._

_He gives me a kiss, a salty kiss from both of our tears running down our faces. We love each other more than anything, and I’m scared it won’t be enough to get through this._

_The alarm goes off on my phone, signaling the test is ready._

_“Josh, I can’t do it. You go look.”_

_He gets out of the bed slowly, and drags his feet to the bathroom. A minute or two passes by, and he walks out holding the stick. He has a relieved look in his face, but he’s still crying._

_“Jen… it’s negative.” Josh says. I’m trying not to look too happy. But I am, I’m beyond thrilled. Neither of us were ready for a child, even though Josh wouldn’t admit it._

_“Are you sure?”_

_“Positive.”_

“I think it’s been more than three minutes,” Josh says, breaking me out of my daydream. I can tell he is eager to know the results. He’s eager to know if his life is going to change forever, most likely in a negative way. He’s been through so much lately; I wish this wasn’t happening to him… or me.

 

I make my way to the bathroom, the exact same way he did a year ago.

 

When I glance at the result on the test, I throw up whatever soup was left in my stomach. This can’t be happening.

 

Josh is still confused most of the time, still trying to figure out who he is, who I am, what his life is. Now I have to tell him his life is changing drastically again.

 

I get back in my room, and Josh looks fucking terrified.

 

“Just tell me…”

 

“I’m pregnant,” my voice is so hoarse that I barely get the words out.

 

“Are you sure?”

 

“Positive.”


	9. Chapter 9

Josh will not allow his gaze land on mine. He is staring blankly at the wall, and the tears that are filling up his eyes threatening to spill out at any moment.

 

I am too emotionally numb right now for tears.

 

“Josh…” I can barely form the word before he’s holding his hand up in my direction.

 

“Don’t, Jen. You don’t have to keep trying to baby me.”

 

“I’m not, I just want to know what you’re thinking…”

 

“What I’m thinking!? I’m thinking that we’re fucked. We’re fucking fucked,” Josh yells.

 

The naïve and stupid part of me was hopeful when I saw the positive on that test. I thought maybe I could get Josh back. I thought he would possibly want to be with me again. How fucking dumb. Josh is still struggling with his identity, and although things have been better with him, it’s still an every day struggle. I was selfish to think he would ever want to be involved with this baby, or even me.

 

Now I’m fucking terrified. I am in no way fit to raise a fucking kid. I’m only 24 years old with a very successful acting career. Now my entire life will have to be put on hold, and I don’t even know for how long.

 

What the fuck did I get myself into?

 

Josh breaks me out of my thoughts, “So are you just going to sit there silent? Or are you going to speak the fuck up. I’d like to know what you’re thinking too!”

 

“I’m scared, and angry. I can’t believe this is happening,” I say, my voice as quiet as a whisper.

 

Josh seems to instantly calm down and says, “I’m scared too. How will we tell people? What are we going to do, Jen?”

 

“Get out, Josh.”

 

He has a look of pure confusion etched on his beautiful face; his beautiful face that I will not see anymore.

 

“Jen… what…?”

 

“Get out. As much as it hurts, I’m letting you go. You don’t have to deal with this. You have enough in your life with your brain, and you know your um… condition. It’s okay, Josh.”

 

“No, Jen.”

 

“Josh, please.” To my surprise, my body is still able to form tears. “Trust me. You don’t need this.”

 

“You don’t think I can handle this? I’m not fucking weak, Jen. I was in an accident, broke my leg, and lost all of my fucking memories, and look at me now. I’m still working on things, but I’m strong. I can handle this. I’m not going to leave you all alone.”

 

“Don’t fight me on this. Just go.” I can’t look him in the eyes, because I know it will shatter my heart. As difficult as this is, I know this is what’s best for him.

 

Out of the corner of my eye I see him wipe tears from his face.

 

“Jen, don’t shut me out. I’m here for you, always. Please call me soon.”

 

He gets up slowly, and strides to the door without looking back. As I muster up the courage to look at him, he looks at me. It feels like an eternity before Josh breaks our eye contact, and he leaves my bedroom. Once I hear him close the door to my apartment, I lose it.

 

The tears start pouring down my face, and I drag myself up on the bed, and pull my knees into my chest. I’m unsure of how long I lay on my bed, sobbing, but a sudden thought that runs through my head snaps me out of my crying fit.

 

The ring.

 

I stretch my arm to reach for my night table, and I open the drawer slowly and I see it, right where I stashed it before going to Kentucky for Thanksgiving. I couldn’t let my family see me wear it. They would all think Josh and I were engaged, and talk nonstop about planning a nonexistent wedding.

 

I take it out and lay it on my palm, and stare at it for what feels like hours. It is so beautiful, but looking at it is tearing my heart out of my chest.

 

The feeling of nausea consumes me, and I run into the bathroom. I empty the contents of my stomach, or lack of, into the toilet again.

 

After vomiting and dry heaving, I lay on the cold, tile bathroom floor. The tears are burning my cheeks. Why does this have to be so hard?

 

My mind keeps going back to the accident. All of this could have been avoided. Now I’m alone and pregnant. I’m forced to deal with my problems now, because I can’t drink them away anymore, for 8 more months.

 

I know I did the right thing by letting Josh go; I had to set him free. He still hasn’t gotten his memories back, and at this point the odds are not in his favor, and there’s a good chance that he never will get them back.

 

He doesn’t need this. He has enough bullshit on his plate. I can handle this. I know I can handle this…

 

_Today is going to be an amazing day. My family is here visiting me in Hawaii while I’m shooting Catching Fire. Even my little nephew, Bear, is here. I’m so excited to see him._

_We have a short break from shooting, so Josh and I are making out in our trailer… the usual. Luckily we share a trailer because it would be extremely obvious if we kept sneaking into each other’s trailers every day._

_A bang on the door causes us both to jump out of our skin._

_“What!?” I yell, thinking that it’s just Woody, or Liam, trying to annoy us like they usually do. No one answers, and the banging continues._

_“Aunt Jen!” I hear a little boy’s voice yelling._

_“Bear!” I run and open the door and see my brother holding his son, my beautiful nephew. My brother hands him to me, and I wrap him up in my arms. I give my brother a quick hug, and then take Bear into my trailer with me._

_“Hey little man!” Josh says._

_“Josh!” Bear yells, and reaches out to hug Josh._

_Seeing Josh being sweet, and adorable with Bear is melting my heart. I may be being hasty, but I would love for Josh to be the father of my children. He is just perfect with kids._

_Bear’s cries instantly break me out of my trance. He was running around and tripped over my bow on the floor. He is clutching his knee and crying his little eyes out._

_Before I get the chance to go over to him, Josh is there holding him._

_“Shhh, it’s okay buddy. You’ll be okay.”_

_I think that the huge smile on my face may rip my cheeks. My eyes fill up with happy tears, and I can’t take my eyes off of Josh and my nephew._

_“What?” Josh looks at me with his crooked smile on his flawless face. His hazel eyes burn right into my soul every time he looks at me._

_“You’re cute,” I say._

_“You’re beautiful,” he replies, smiling even bigger. I could stare at his smile all day._

_My brother knocking on my trailer door to retrieve his son is a bummer, but we know we have to get back to shooting anyway._

_“Bye Bear! See you later bud!” Josh says, waving at my nephew._

_“Bye! I love you Bear! I’ll see you tonight, okay?” I say._

_“Bye Josh!” Bear says, ignoring me._

_“He likes me more.” Josh says, teasing me._

_“I like you more.”_

_Josh closes our trailer door to conceal us, and kisses me. We have five minutes left before we have to go back to set. Of course we will spend it kissing._

I’m unsure how long I’ve been lying on the bathroom floor, it could have been five minutes or five days, but I don’t think Josh will contact me. He wants me to call him, but I won’t.

 

My phone ringing tears me away from my daydream. I say a small prayer that it isn’t Josh calling me.

 

I begin to shake as I stand up and make my way into my room to see who is calling me. It’s my mom.

 

My salted cheeks are still burning, and I know if I answer she will instantly suspect something is wrong; she knows me way too well. I need to vent to someone, so I answer the call, and spill. I tell my mom everything that happened since the accident…

\------------------------------------------

 

I’ve been in Kentucky for about a week now. After telling my mom all about Josh, she convinced me that I need to be home, with my family, especially since Christmas is in just a few weeks.

 

I was wrong when I thought Josh wouldn’t try to contact me. I currently have 26 missed calls, 17 text messages, and 3 voicemails.

 

**Josh: Jen, please call me.**

**Josh: I won’t leave you alone with this, I’m sorry.**

**Josh: Call or text me back.**

**Josh: This is killing me Jen. Call me.**

And they just keep coming.

 

I wouldn’t know what to say to Josh even if I chose to talk to him. I’m still sticking with my decision; he doesn’t need this in this life. Recently, his life has been difficult enough. Besides, my family will help me get through this, so I won’t actually ever be alone; they’ll always support and help me.

 

The ringing from my phone startles me, and I notice that once again, it’s Josh. I can’t take it anymore, so I decide to answer.

 

“Hello?” I snap.

 

“Jen, I’m so happy you finally answered. Can we please talk?”

 

“No, Josh. I’m sticking by my decision.”

 

“I’ve stopped by your apartment a few times this week. Where have you been?”

 

“I’m in Kentucky. Stop calling me, Josh.”

 

I hang up.

\------------------------------------------

 

Josh hasn’t attempted to contact me since I answered my phone a week ago.

 

I’ve been in Kentucky for almost two weeks, and I’m actually starting to enjoy myself. I got to help decorate my parent’s house for the holidays, and I even decorated my bedroom, like I used to when I was younger.

 

I almost think that I’m happy, and then the memories come flooding back. Thoughts of my pregnancy nearly bring me to tears, but I try to push it to the back of my mind. It never works.

 

I’ve done nothing but lay around since I’ve been here, the fatigue being brought on by the pregnancy, and the vomiting is still an every day occurrence.

 

I make myself comfortable on the couch with a warm blanket, and doze off…

 

_“Ma’am, you need to stay back,” a cop yells in my face with his hands around my arm._

_“That’s my fucking boyfriend!” I break free from his grip, and run toward Josh._

_As I approach, it is impossible to breathe. I see blood splattered everywhere, and EMT’s surrounding his still body._

_“Josh!” I yell. No response._

_The amount of blood on the street pavement is making the tears flow out of my eyes at an even faster rate. I can’t believe Josh has been in a motorcycle accident._

_“No pulse,” I hear one of the EMT’s say._

_“WHAT?” I scream, and push through them all to get closer to him._

_I cradle Josh’s lifeless body in my arms, not a care in the world that there is blood on my skin, and clothes._

_“I’m sorry ma’am,” one of the EMT’s says. A few of them approach me, possibly to take Josh away, and off of the ground._

_“Get the fuck away from me! JOSH! JOSH! NO! DON’T LEAVE ME!” I scream at the stop of my lungs._

_“Ma’am we need to remove him soon,” one ignorant EMT says._

_“No, Josh. No. I love you. No. No. No,” I keep repeating as I cry and stroke his hair._

I wake with a jolt so fast, that I almost fall off of the couch.

 

A nightmare.

 

When I sit up, my breaths are rough and uneven, and I’m staring off into space.

 

“Jen…?” I hear my mom say.

 

I can’t form any words, so I simply just hold my arms out to her. She sits next to me, and envelops me in a soothing hug, that only my mom and one other person can provide. Josh.

 

“What happened?” My mom asks.

 

“Nightmare,” I reply simply.

 

“Would you like to talk about it?”

 

“I don’t know. I mean, no. I can’t. I just…”

 

“Okay, whenever you want to talk, please just come to me.”

 

My mom kisses my forehead, gets up, and walks away. She can always tell when I want company, and when I want to be left alone.

 

Later that day, I’m doing the finishing touches on the Christmas decorations in my bedroom. I have lights hung up, and my own little Christmas tree. I missed being in this house for the holidays.

 

I have Christmas music playing, and finally I’m in a happy, and cheerful mood.

 

I’m singing and dancing to ‘All I Want For Christmas Is You,’ when I hear a knock on my door.

 

“Come in!” I yell. Why is my mom knocking?

 

When I turn to see why she is being silent, the sight startles me.

 

“Josh…”


	10. Chapter 10

“Hi, Jen. I know you’re probably furious at me for just showing up like this, but please hear me out…”

 

I approach Josh and throw my arms around his neck. I squeeze him tightly, and I’m certain that my hug has caught him off guard. It takes a moment before he reciprocates, and wraps his arms around me as well.

 

“Thank you,” I finally speak.

 

“For what?” I can hear the confusion in his voice.

 

“For making me realize my mistake.” I pull away, look at him in the eyes, and give him a sincere smile. He slowly smiles back in return.

 

Looking into his intoxicating hazel eyes and seeing his face has brought me back to reality, and made me realize how selfish I was being. I thought I was protecting Josh, when I was only hurting him further.

 

“Oh, then you’re welcome.” He flashes me his big, beautiful, smile. “But Jen, we really need to figure this out.”

 

I place my index finger over my lips, walk over to shut my bedroom door, and motion Josh to sit on my bed.

 

When he narrows his eyes and tilts his head, I say, “Sorry, I don’t want anyone listening. This should be between us.”

 

He nods then sits down on the bed, and I follow soon after.

 

“Josh, I’m so scared,” my voice is barely audible. “What are we going to do?”

 

“I don’t know. We have to figure this out. Together.” He closes his eyes tightly, and when he reopens them, a single tear streams down his cheek.

 

I can’t help myself from crying hysterically. I press my hands up against my face and throw myself back on my bed.

 

Josh places his hand on my thigh, and rubs small circles with his thumb. “Hey, don’t cry. Everything will be okay. I promise.”

 

“But…” I try to speak, but he instantly interrupts me.

 

“No. Listen, Jen. I’m going to take care of you. I’ll take you to all of your doctors appointments if you want, and I’ll be here whenever you need me.”

 

Times like these, I wish I had him back. I wish the accident never happened, and I still had my Josh. The problem is, he’s acting the same way that my old Josh would, which leads me to believe he might actually have feelings for me again.

 

A small smile spreads across my face and I throw my arms around him, “Oh Josh. Thank you so much. What would I do without you? I love you…”

 

Fuck. I can’t believe I just said that.

 

“I love you too.” My heart is racing and my breathing quickens. What did he just say? He loves me…

 

“You’re my best friend, Jen.”

 

Oh…

 

I feel the overwhelming urge to begin crying again, but I try and hide it from Josh. While we sit on the bed, hugging each other, I start to reminisce on the good times…

 

_“I am so nervous Josh. What do you think they’ll say?”_

_Josh and I are sitting in his car in the parking lot of the bar in Hawaii, that Francis is holding our Catching Fire wrap party. The entire cast will be in attendance, and Josh and I plan on spilling the beans about our relationship._

_“Calm down, baby. You know they’ll be supportive.”_

_“Yeah, but what if they tell people? You know the only way to protect our relationship is to keep it private.”_

_“Jen, stop. You know they won’t tell anyone. They’re our friends. Actually, they’re more like our family. They wouldn’t do that.”_

_He leans over to grab my hand. He gives it a reassuring squeeze, which helps me push my fears to the back of my mind._

_“You’re right. Okay, let’s go in now.”_

_We enter the bar, hand in hand, and the first person to greet us is Woody, of course. He doesn’t even make a big deal, or seem surprised. “It’s about damn time,” is all he says to us, with a big smile on his face._

_When we arrive in our private room, still holding hands, Woody shouts, “Hey everyone! Look who’s here!” The cast and crew look at us, look down at our hands, then back up to our faces. The surprised looks on their faces cause me to sweat, and I feel like I’m about to throw up._

_“Uh, hey everyone,” Josh begins to speak, thankfully for the both of us. “We just wanted to let you know that we’re, uh… Jen and I are together. We’re dating now.”_

_A majority of people burst into laughter, which catches me off guard._

_“Big fucking surprise! Next time you want a secret romance, be less obvious. And quieter. We could hear you in your trailer.” Liam says, with a huge grin on his face._

_I can feel my face flush 100 shades of red, and the only words I can speak are, “Fuck you Liam.” I manage a laugh and smile, and Liam reciprocates._

_We spend the night receiving hugs and congratulations from everybody, which feels extremely relieving._

_“So, everyone already knew, huh?” Josh says to me._

_“I guess the whole time we thought we were being sneaky, we were being super obvious. I blame you. You know you tried to sneak kisses, and stared at my ass at every opportunity.” I tease Josh._

_“That is true, but how could I resist?” He surprises me and smacks my ass._

_“Hey!” I yell, and we both laugh._

_After the party, I spend the night in Josh’s hotel room, having incredible sex as usual. We fall asleep in each other’s arms, in pure bliss._

“I brought you some pizza,” he says, and I finally am able to give him a real, genuine smile.

\--------------------------------------

 

I sit with my shirt lifted up, stomach exposed, in the cold doctor’s office. Josh sits in one of the other chairs, and he’s smiling at me.

 

“Thank you for letting me come with you, Jen.”

 

Lately I’ve been hanging on to the shred of hope that Josh wants to be involved because he actually does love me. I know I’m setting myself up for disappointment, but I can’t help but feel that he might actually want to be with me.

 

“Don’t be silly, Josh. Thank you for coming with me.”

 

He smiles at me again, and I can’t tell if the butterflies in my stomach are fluttering because of him, or because I’m nervous for this ultrasound.

 

The doctor enters the room and introduces himself, and shakes our hands.

 

“Hi, I’m Jennifer. And this is my uh… friend, Josh.”

 

This is so awkward. I’m beginning to think I should have just come alone.

 

“So, how many weeks are you?” the doctor asks.

 

“Yes, somewhere around 8… maybe 10… actually more like 12 weeks…” I reply, feeling foolish that I don’t exactly know how far along I am.

 

When the ultrasound is on the screen, my heart threatens to leap out of my chest. Glancing over at Josh, I see the amused look on his face, which makes me smile.

 

It’s too soon to find out the gender, but the doctor prints us a few pictures of the ultrasound, and sends us on our way.

 

“That was freaky,” Josh says, when we get in his car.

 

“Okay, I’m not the only one completely freaked out…?” I ask.

 

“No, Jen. We both are. But I think we can get through it together.”

 

“I couldn’t do this with anyone else, Josh. Thank you for coming with me, and just being an amazing person. You’re the best.”

 

I’m hoping he reciprocates my compliments, and gives me another sign that he loves me too.

 

“Sure, Jen. What are friends for?”

 

Oh…

\--------------------------------------

 

A week later, and I’m back in LA, watching a movie in my apartment. Josh is here with me. He is still being amazing and completely supportive of me.

 

When I go to stand up, he grabs my hand and pulls me back down.

 

“No, Jen. What do you need? I’ll get it for you.”

 

“I’m just hungry,” I say, as my stomach makes strange hunger noises.

 

“I’ll go to the kitchen and get you something,” he smiles, and then makes his way to my kitchen.

 

“There’s nothing in there. I haven’t been grocery shopping since before I left for Kentucky,” I yell to him.

 

Josh returns to the living room with a strange look on his face and holding a box of cake mix, “Really, this is all you have?”

 

“YES! Josh, make me a cake! Please!” I plead.

 

“How about I make your favorite, cake balls!”

 

“How… how did you know that…?”

 

I’m in complete and utter shock. Josh remembered my favorite dessert, which means his memory might be coming back. I need to remember not to get myself too excited, because disappointment has become a constant occurrence lately.

 

“What do you mean?” Josh says, with a confused look on his face. “Know what?”

 

“That cake balls are my favorite…”

 

“Oh, I don’t know. I just did. Do you want me to make them or not?”

 

“Uh… sure.”

 

As I watch Josh in the kitchen making me cake balls, I drift off…

 

_“Cake balls? Ew, Josh. I don’t want balls of cake, I just want cake.”_

_“Trust me, they are going to be so good. My mom just made them last week. You’ll love them.”_

_I narrow my eyes at Josh, as he makes me cake balls. A recipe that involves smashing up a perfectly good cake, mixing it with frosting, rolling them into balls, and then finally, covering it in more frosting._

_They sound delicious, but at this point I’m so hungry, I just want the damn cake._

_“Just because you play a baker in the movies doesn’t mean you’re really one,” I joke, because ever since his role as Peeta, a baker, he thinks he really is one._

_“Fuck off. No cake balls for you.” Josh gives me a huge smile, and I melt on the inside. He is too beautiful to be real._

_When he is finished, I pop one in my mouth. “Holy shit, Josh. These are amazing!”_

_He grins at me in satisfaction, and we lay on his couch, and devour the entire plate of cake balls._

_“Stop. We did not just eat that entire plate,” I say. “We are gross!”_

_“I may be gross, but you are beautiful.”_

_He leans in and crashes his lips against mine, and he tastes like cake balls. I savor both his kisses, and the delicious taste._

_“Yum, I don’t know what I love more; you or cake balls,” I joke._

_“I love you more than anything,” Josh says._

_“Even cake balls?”_

_“Even cake balls. I swear.”_

_“Mmm, I love you too.”_

_We continue to kiss, and when we finally break apart I say, “but cake balls are a close second.”_

\--------------------------------------

Josh refuses to leave me alone. He’s been staying at my apartment for four days now, taking care of me. I keep telling him that I’m not dying, and that I’m only pregnant, but he doesn’t want to hear it.

 

He went grocery shopping, and has cooked me every meal. I’m beginning to feel like we’re in a relationship again, with the amount of time we’ve spent together. But sadly, I always have to remind myself that we are only friends.

 

Josh has just made me lunch, a turkey sandwich and a salad, but I feel strange after eating. Usually I am nauseous, or vomit up whatever it is I’ve eaten; but today I feel fine. I suppose that is a good sign.

 

After lunch, he decides we need to go shopping, just for the baby’s necessities; crib, furniture for his/her bedroom, etc.

 

We spend the rest of the afternoon going from store to store and picking out the best furniture for our baby. Of course, we enter through the back of the stores, and Josh insists we travel with my bodyguard wherever we go.

 

Sometimes he can be overly protective.

 

While shopping, I begin to experience some stomach cramps. I instantly assume that this is the next step in my pregnancy, now that the nausea has ceased.

 

To my surprise, no one had even laid eyes on us the entire day. No one had approached us, or even recognized us. This was the reassurance that I needed, that Josh and I really could get through this, in private.

 

Later that night, after Josh makes us a delicious dinner as usual, I am beyond exhausted from being out all day.

 

I decide to call it an early night, so like every other night I get situated in my bed, while Josh gets himself comfortable on my couch.

 

While the stomach cramps continue, I manage to drift off into a not-so-peaceful slumber…

 

_I am all alone, walking down a crowded street, with people screaming at me._

_“Jennifer Lawrence! Jennifer! Look over here! Look at the camera, you slut! Whose baby is it Jen?” The paparazzi are shouting in my face._

_It takes everything in me to keep the tears from flowing down my cheeks, but somehow I manage._

_“Jennifer! Whose kid? Whose kid?”_

_“Fuck off,” is all I manage to speak._

_One of the paparazzi gets a bit to close for comfort, and I try and push him out of my way, but he disappears._

_They all begin to swarm me, and whenever I make a movement they all disappear, then reappear._

_One man approaches me, and I don’t bother moving, because I know the end result. I can’t fight any of them off for some reason. My body is taken over by fear._

_The man just stares blankly into my eyes, and I lower my sunglasses to evaluate him. Before I can even register anything at all, he punches me in the stomach._

_Pain shoots through my entire body, and I fall to the ground. All of the paparazzi surround me, and begin snapping pictures, and laughing._

_I’m lying on the ground, in a puddle of blood, clutching onto my stomach in agony, while they take pictures and laugh._

_Puddle of blood. In agony. Lying. Alone._

I instantly wake, breathing more heavy than ever before, and clutching onto my stomach.

 

A nightmare. Another nightmare. They have been happening on an every night occurrence, but this was worse than any one I’ve had before.

 

When I move slightly, I feel that my sheets are soaked.

 

Without looking, I already know what has happened. I wipe tears from my eyes as I lift up the sheets.

 

I’m lying in a puddle of bright red blood, just as I was in my dream. Except now, there are no paparazzi taking pictures and laughing. The only thing breaking the silence now are my cries.

 

I have no idea what I should do. I curl into a ball, still holding onto my stomach, and continue to sob.

 

I may have cried for 30 minutes, or 30 days. I don’t have the slightest clue. Then it hits me like a bus, Josh.

 

Josh is sleeping on my couch a few rooms away, and he has no idea what is going on right now. I need to go to the hospital, and now I feel stupid for lying here in tears, when I should be on my way to the emergency room.

 

“Josh!” I yell. No response.

 

“JOSH!” I yell louder, although my crying is restricting my voice.

 

He runs into the room, panting just as Peeta did when Katniss was having nightmares, although this is beyond a nightmare.

 

“What…? What’s going on…? Are you okay…?” He asks, out of breath from waking up and immediately sprinting through my apartment.

 

I lift the blankets, and show him. The look in his face makes me want to cry even more, but I know we don’t have any time to spare. We need to get to the hospital. Now.

 

“Jen… Is that…”

 

I don’t know what to say to him, so I just shake my head.

 

“We need to get to the hospital…” I’m barely able to form the words.

 

Josh picks me up off of my bed, and runs to his car. I see the tears running down his cheeks, but he doesn’t speak.

 

He gently places me in the back seat, lying down. When he gets in the car, he speeds off into the night, and we are on our way to the hospital.


	11. Chapter 11

I would think that losing my baby, or the barely developed baby that it probably was, would be the most painful right now. Or possibly even being confined to this hospital bed while they run tests on me to see if I did anything wrong, which makes me sick that anyone would think that.

 

But it’s not. Josh’s constant sympathy, and tears, is what’s killing me. I wish he would just stop asking me if I’m okay, and if I need anything. I wish he would just leave me alone for a fucking minute.

 

I can’t even look him in the eyes.

 

Arriving home the next day felt like a relief, Josh will finally go home and I’ll be alone. I haven’t had a minute alone with myself, or my thoughts, and I haven’t been able to grieve.

 

Unfortunately, after Josh walks me into my apartment, he makes himself comfortable.

 

“Did you want me to make you some lunch?” he asks, as he stands up and motions toward my kitchen.

 

I just can’t help but be short, and cold, with him. I’m so frustrated.

 

“No…” is all I’m able to reply with.

 

“Okay, just let me know whenever you’re hungry.” He plops himself back on the couch, and turns the TV on.

 

“Josh, you don’t have to stay here. I’m fine.”

 

“I’m not leaving you alone. Not after everything you’ve been through…”

 

“What we’ve been through.” I cut him off.

 

“That’s what I meant. This isn’t easy for me either, Jen. But I don’t feel the need to dwell on it either.”

 

“Because you didn’t want the baby! Or me!” I lose my temper and shout at him. “We both know it was a mistake! You didn’t want any of this! You’re happy it’s all over!”

 

He stares at me in disbelief, his eyes filling with tears. I can’t believe I said those things to him, and by the looks of it, he can’t either.

 

“I’m sorry. It’s overwhelming for me. It’s still so fucking hard because I still love you, and you don’t love me back.” I say, my eyes filling up as well.

 

“Jen, I do love you, just as a…”

 

“Friend. Yeah, I’m aware.” I snap.

 

“Jen, you know what…” I know Josh better than I know myself, and I can tell he is about to lash out.

 

“Do you not understand how much I am still struggling with my identity? Do you fucking get that? I still struggle every day, because I don’t fucking know who the fuck I am, Jennifer!”

 

I shoot Josh a sympathetic look, and he continues to speak, but now he is even more angry.

 

“Stop. Stop fucking looking at me like I’m wounded,” he shouts at me.

 

“Josh, I…” I’m unsure what to say. Luckily, he cuts me off.

 

“I’m out of here. I need some fresh air. I’ll be back later.”

 

He walks out the door, slamming it behind him. I begin to have déjà vu, because that’s the same way Josh stormed out of my apartment the night of the accident, and this is exactly where I was sitting.

 

Isn’t this what I wanted? Josh out of my hair for some time to myself?

 

Yes, but I was wrong. Now, the only thing I want is Josh to be here with me, holding me in his strong arms. But unlike what the world thinks, being Jennifer Lawrence doesn’t mean you get everything you want.

 

Eventually, I make my way to my bed, and curl up in a ball. I think about the first time I actually met Josh, and let the slumber take me…

 

_“Okay Jennifer, this next one coming in is Josh Hutcherson,” Gary Ross tells me._

_I can’t tell you the amount of chemistry reads I have done as Katniss Everdeen. I’m just hoping this guy can be our Peeta Mellark, because I am exhausted._

_“Okay,” I say, and manage a smile. I can’t let the director know how miserable I am. I must continue to act professionally._

_The door creaks open, and he enters. I make eye contact with the most beautiful hazel eyes I’ve ever seen, and I can’t supress the smile that spreads across my face._

_“Hi, Josh,” I say._

_“Hello, Jennifer,” he replies, ever so formally._

_“Wait, you’re from Kentucky too?” I yell, a bit too excited._

_Josh smiles, “Yeah, Union. You are too?”_

_“Louisville!”_

_“Oh! Awesome!” Josh keeps smiling at me. He is so handsome, it’s distracting._

_The chemistry read goes beautifully, and once Josh leaves I turn and stare at Gary._

_“He was perfect. You have to pick him. He literally IS Peeta!” I say._

CRASH!

 

I sit up in my bed faster than I ever knew was humanly possible. What was that crash? It was so incredibly loud that I can’t even begin to imagine what it could have been.

 

Jumping out of my bed, I begin to search my apartment.

 

As I make my way toward the bathroom, I hear the shower water is on. Perhaps Josh got back recently and is just taking a shower? Maybe he dropped the shampoo bottle or something?

 

Come on, Jen. Don’t be stupid. That was too loud for a shampoo bottle.

 

I slam the bathroom door open, and my heart drops. The tears begin to flood down my cheeks as I take in the image before me.

 

Josh, lying lifeless on the bathroom floor. He is half in the shower, and half out. He must have slipped getting out.

 

Running into the bathroom, I approach his body and see a small pool of blood in the shower. I examine the cut on his head, and wonder what the fuck I’m doing.

 

I sprint back to my bedroom and dial 9-11.

 

My thoughts begin to blur. Josh being taken away on a stretcher. Riding in the back in the ambulance. Fearing for Josh’s life. It’s all déjà vu once again.

\--------------------------------------

 

I was hoping to never have to step foot in this room again.

 

I’m back in the gloomy, depressing hospital waiting room. It’s about 3:00 in the morning, and I hadn’t got much sleep the night before, but I have to stay here, for Josh.

 

After the EMTs removed Josh from the bathroom, he was rushed to the hospital. I was in the ambulance with him, holding his hand until we arrived and they pried my hands off of him.

 

I feel like a zombie. After everything I’ve been through since Josh’s motorcycle accident I’ve felt emotionally drained, as if the life has been sucked out of me. I’m beginning to wonder if I will ever get it back.

 

However, that greatly depends on Josh’s condition at the moment. The doctors say there is a 50-50 chance that when he eventually wakes, his brain could be a clean slate again, wiped of all his new memories. The foolish part of me hopes for that, so he can forget this mess, and the baby, but I know that’s really not what’s best.

 

The silver lining, though, is that Josh is going to wake up. He’s still unconscious, and back in his comatose state, just like before.

 

My thoughts are running wild, daydreaming what it would be like if Josh did love me again, and if we did have our baby. Living in a beautiful house in Kentucky, raising a family together, being in love. What would our lives have been if our baby wasn’t taken from us?

 

Michelle’s presence snaps me out of my thoughts, and I manage to form a small smile for her.

 

“Any news?” I ask.

 

“No, he’s still the same. Stable though.” Michelle says. She sits down next to me, and places her hand on my arm.

 

“Jen, I am so sorry about the baby.”

 

“Thank you, Michelle. Everything happens for a reason, though. Wasn’t meant to be…”

 

“He does love you still, Jen, whether it’s friendship or not. No amnesia could ever break that magnetic bond you two have.” Her smile and kind words make me smile in return.

 

“Thank you.”

 

We end up talking for an hour, about Josh, about the baby, and just life in general. I hadn’t seen much of her since Josh was staying at my apartment during the pregnancy, so it was nice to catch up with her. Although, it would have been much better if we weren’t in a hospital waiting room.

\--------------------------------------

 

Michelle and I have been sitting in Josh’s hospital room for about a half hour. He’s disconnected from all machines, and we’re waiting not so patiently for him to open his eyes.

 

I block out the rest of the world and focus in on Josh.

 

The way his chest rises and falls, with every breath he takes. His beautiful lips, parted slightly while he breathes. That jaw, that perfectly sculpted jaw, that I would constantly kiss. His nose, that scrunches slightly while he laughs, is one of my favorite features on his face. Those breathtaking hazel eyes, which are staring right back at me….

 

Staring right back at me!?

 

“Josh…?”

 

He’s looking around the room, surveying the area, and it looks like he has no idea where he is.

 

“Josh, it’s okay. You’re in the hospital. You’re okay…” Michelle says, while grabbing his hand.

 

He snatches his hand out of her grip, and pats down his pockets, as if he’s looking for something. His eyes widen when he realizes he is wearing a hospital gown, not his pants.

 

“Josh…?” I test again.

 

“What…what happened…?” Josh eventually speaks.

 

I’m thankful he doesn’t ask who Josh is, like he did last time we were in this situation.

 

“You slipped in the shower and hit your head, you’re okay now.” I say, as he reaches for my hand.

 

Josh reaching for my hand and lacing his fingers through mine catches me off guard.

 

“Shower…?” he says. “No…that can’t be right…” He looks so utterly confused.

 

“How isn’t that right, Josh?” Michelle asks.

 

“I wasn’t in the shower… The motorcycle…” he says, with his eyes shut so tight that the corners wrinkle.

 

While his eyes are closed, Michelle sneaks out to get the doctor.

\--------------------------------------

 

“What is your last memory, Josh?” the doctor asks.

 

“Being on my motorcycle, on my way back to my girlfriend’s apartment…”

 

My heart is doing leaps in my chest, and my stomach feels as if it’s going to explode from the butterflies. He said his girlfriend… Josh’s memory is back.

 

Michelle and I both burst out into uncontrollable tears. Josh eyes us up and down skeptically.

 

“How long was I asleep?” Josh asks the doctor.

 

“Josh, do you have any memory of the past four or five months?”

 

“Um…yes. Uh, I spent the summer with Jennifer, my girlfriend…”

 

We all look at each other, not knowing what to say to him.

 

“What…? Why are you looking at me like that…?” Josh asks.

 

When we all stay silent, he continues to speak. “Baby, what’s going on?”

 

This question is directed at me, and I know now I must say something. We have to tell him, he thinks it’s still September, but it’s January of the next year.

 

“Maybe uh…maybe the doctor should…” I stumble over my words.

 

“Josh, you were in a motorcycle accident, and as a result, you have suffered from amnesia since September.”

 

“Amnesia…” Josh tests the word on his tongue. “How long…”

 

“It’s January, Josh.”

 

“Jan…January…?”

 

“You have no memory of anything since September?” I decide to be brave and ask the questions that are burning my brain. “Mockingjay promo? The holidays? Nothing…?”

 

“Obviously not, Jen,” he spits out.

 

“Oh…”

 

“This can’t be happening. I was on my motorcycle, going back to your apartment. I just stopped at the uh…store. Where are my clothes? I had on those black jeans. I’m so confused… it’s January… Where’s the box that was in my pocket…?” Josh is blabbering on and on, the confusion etched on his face, and heard in his voice.

 

“I have it,” I say.

 

“You have it?”

 

“Yeah…they gave it to me after the accident.”

 

Tears begin to run down Josh’s cheeks, and he makes no effort to wipe them away.

 

“Four months…? I had amnesia for four fucking months?”

 

“Yeah, Josh.” Michelle says.

 

Josh sits in silence, crying for a few minutes, trying to gain his composure, but it’s useless; he’s in shock.

 

“Can everyone leave me alone for a fucking minute? I can’t fucking believe this.” He yells.

 

I walk over to Josh, wipe the tears from his eyes, and lean down to kiss him. He reciprocates the kiss, and I press my forehead against his, and say, “I’ll be in the waiting room. Let me know when you want me to come back.”

 

“No. Actually Jen, please don’t leave. Stay with me.”

 

He moves over on the bed, and I lay down next to him. I kiss him again, and whisper, “Always, Joshy.”

\--------------------------------------

 

The next day, they release Josh from the hospital. He is still very confused, but insisted on coming back to my apartment with me.

 

He wraps me in his arms after we sit on the couch, “I love you, Jen.”

 

“I love you so much, Josh.”

 

We kiss for an infinite amount of time, in pure bliss wrapped in each other’s arms.

 

“Are you hungry?” I ask.

 

“Yes, baby. Please make me lunch.” He’s flashing his gorgeous smile at me.

 

“Anything for you.”

 

While I’m making us lunch, I hear him walking around the apartment. When I hear silence for a couple of minutes, I go in search of him.

 

“Josh?”

 

I find him in the spare bedroom, which has some baby furniture in it.

 

Oh, fuck.

 

“What the fuck is this, Jen?”

 

“I can explain. It isn’t what it looks like.”

 

“What were you doing while I had fucking amnesia, Jen? Fucking someone else? Getting pregnant?” He’s yelling at me now, and I begin to cry. I’m thinking about our baby; our baby that we lost just a few days ago.

 

“Josh. No. Calm down. I’ll explain.”

 

“Explain!? How you got knocked up while I had no fucking memories? Really, Jen? That’s fucking low!”

 

“By you,” I whisper.

 

“What…?”

 

I burst out of the room, and run into the bathroom. I lock the door behind me.

 

The tears are burning my cheeks, and I’m having trouble catching my breath. Josh keeps knocking on the door, and trying to get me to come out.

 

“Jen, please. Tell me what’s happening. I’m sorry for yelling. I’m so fucking sorry. I love you. Please, come out.”

 

After about 10 minutes or so, I compose myself and open the bathroom door. He instantly envelops me in a huge hug.

 

“I’m so sorry, baby. I didn’t mean what I said. I love you.”

 

“I just have to tell you something…” I attempt to speak.

 

“Shhhh…” he puts his index finger over my mouth, then moves his hand down and rests it on my stomach. “Stop, Jen. I’m good now. I’m myself again, and I’m going to take care of you and this baby.”


	12. Chapter 12

I didn’t have the heart to tell the truth. Not yet.

 

He’s finally getting back to his old life, slowly but surely. He doesn’t stay at my apartment every night anymore. He’s finally moved his stuff back in his tree house.

 

It breaks my heart to not be honest about this with Josh. He seemed so happy when he found out that I was “pregnant.” Why did I have to lose this baby?

 

I just need to figure out how to tell him…

 

“Jen!” I hear Josh yelling.

 

“In my room!” I yell back. This is it. I have to tell him.

 

I swear I stop breathing, and my heart stops beating when I see what he’s carrying.

 

“Okay, so I know we don’t know if it’s a boy or girl, so I got some stuff that could go either way.”

 

He empties the bags he’s holding, blankets, decorations for the walls, and some toys. I think I’m going to be sick.

 

“Josh…”

 

“Jen, I know you’re nervous. But it’s all going to be fine.”

 

He gives me a quick peck, and when he pulls away I repeat myself.

 

“Josh…”

 

“Sorry, babe. I gotta run. I have a meeting. I’ll be back later?”

 

“Sure.”

 

He crashes his lips against mine, and we make out for a few minutes. But I just can’t get into it. Not with this on my mind.

 

“I love you baby girl.”

 

I feel like I’m forcing a smile when I say, “Love you too.”

 

“See you later,” he says, and then he’s gone.

 

I try and relax and watch some TV, but I can’t stop thinking about this. It’s haunting me. Why didn’t I just tell him last week when he found out? Why did I have to chicken out?

 

I go to my kitchen, and find a bottle of vodka. Well, at least I’m able to drink away my feelings now. Silver lining.

 

I’m so pathetic that I stand in the kitchen taking swigs straight out of the bottle. Eventually, I make my way back to the couch.

 

Flipping through the channels, an image of my face makes me freeze on ABC Family.

 

“Oh look, The Hunger Games is on,” I say to myself.

 

I spend the next two hours watching it, and drinking my vodka straight out of the bottle. I’ve hit an ultimate low in my life.

 

My phone vibrates, and I drop it when I try and pick it up. I’m so drunk right now.

 

**Josh: Hey babe, I’m on my way.**

 

Oh awesome. I have twenty minutes to decide what to tell him. But I’m too sleepy to think right now…

 

_Josh and I are lying in a bed, with a newborn baby girl dressed in a pink little outfit in between us._

_He is tickling her, and she’s giggling and flailing her limbs._

_“Can you say ‘daddy’?” Josh says._

_“No! ‘Mommy’!” I object._

_“No, baby. Say ‘daddy’!”_

_We all laugh, and he peppers her little belly with feather light kisses._

_Josh holds us both in his strong arms, and kisses me on the forehead._

_“I love our family,” he says._

_“Me too. You’re so perfect, Josh. You’re the best dad in the world.”_

_“Who’s Josh…?” he says, confusion in his voice, and on his face._

_“You? You’re Josh…”_

_The baby is disappearing, and she looks almost translucent. I can see the pattern on the comforter through her body._

_I go to reach for her, to hold her in my arms so she can’t leave me, and I find myself reaching for nothing. Just air._

_“Josh…” I say, tears burning my cheeks._

_“Stop calling me that.”_

_When I look up, Josh is fading away too, and I can see right through his skin._

_“No. No. Don’t leave me. I can’t lose you again.”_

_“Goodbye, Jennifer.”_

 

“Jen. Wake up.” Josh is shaking my body, waking me from my nightmare.

 

“Oh.” I grab onto him and hold him tight. “Hey, baby. When did you get here?” I’m slurring my words so badly.

 

When I see the half-empty bottle of vodka in Josh’s hand, I begin to get nervous.

 

 _You’re a fucking idiot_ , I tell myself.

 

“Jennifer Lawrence, you have got to be fucking kidding me right now!” Josh yells.

 

“Joshy, wait. I can’t explain.” I say, while hiccupping multiple times.

 

Josh retreats into the kitchen, and comes back with a cup filled with water.

 

“Lift your arms,” he says, while holding the cup to my mouth.

 

When I drink the water, and lower my arms slowly, I notice he is still scowling at me.

 

“Jennifer, what the fuck are you doing? I know you aren’t this fucking stupid. You’re drinking while pregnant with our fucking child? I can’t fucking believe you!” He screams.

 

“Whoa, Josh. What’s with the cursing?” I attempt to grab the bottle of vodka from him, and he easily moves it out of my reach. “Come on, Joshy. I’m thirsty!”

 

“Jennifer,” he snaps, still giving me a death stare.

 

“Joshua,” I say, while putting my hands on my hips.

 

“Why are you making a joke out of this? This isn’t funny at all!”

 

“Oh! I love how you clench your jaw when you’re mad…” I reach up and run my hand along his perfectly chiseled jaw.

 

He swats my hand away, “JENNIFER STOP. This isn’t fucking funny! What the fuck is wrong with you?”

 

“Joshy, have I told you lately I love your neck beard like that?”

 

“I can’t even fucking look at you right now. How could you do this? How could you potentially hurt our child by getting drunk?”

 

“Because I’m not pregnant! I already lost the fucking baby Josh!” I scream as loud as I possibly can.

 

A minute or two pass, and Josh is staring at me with a blank look in his eyes. The single tear that streams down his cheeks causes me to break down.

 

I’m crying so hard that my body begins to shake, and I have trouble breathing. I’m barely able to form the words, “Josh. I’m so sorry. I didn’t do anything wrong. I just woke up and I…”

 

He grabs me and wraps me in his arms, and we cry together for a while.

 

“I know, baby. I know you didn’t do anything wrong. It’s okay, Jen. Calm down.”

 

Josh sits me down on the couch, and hands me the cup of water. “Drink it,” he says. He goes into the kitchen and comes back with a piece of bread. “Eat it.”

 

“Super demanding,” I say, cracking a smile.

 

His mouth doesn’t budge; it’s permanently set in a straight line.

 

“Josh. I’m sorry…”

 

“Why didn’t you tell me, Jen?”

 

“I…you were…I just…”

 

“Just spit it the fuck out.”

 

“Josh, stop. You were going through so much. You had just got your memory back. It was a rough time for all of us, especially you.”

 

“Stop thinking that I can’t handle shit Jen! That’s my child! I had a right to know!”

 

“I know that. I was going to tell you.”

 

“But for some reason you waited until you were dead drunk to tell me? That’s so thoughtful Jen. THANK YOU!” He’s screaming again.

 

“Josh, I’m…” My words are cut short by my vomit hitting the floor.

 

“Fuck! Jen!” I feel Josh scoop me up, and carry me to the bathroom.

 

He holds my hair back as I spill out my stomach into the toilet. I’m honestly surprised he’s still here. He should have stormed out a while ago.

 

“Joshy!” I yell in between purges and sobs.

 

“Shhhh, Jen. You’ll be okay.”

 

When I’m finished, he picks me up again and brings me to my bed. He wipes the tears from my cheeks, and kisses my forehead. I drift off almost instantly, but not before I hear him whisper, “No matter what, I’ll always love you Jen.”

\----------------------------------------

 

I reach out for Josh, and jolt awake when I realize I’m alone in my big bed. I need him here with me.

 

The throbbing headache begins instantly, as I open my eyes.

 

When I flip over to check the clock, I see a paper folded up, and Jennifer is written on the front of it, in Josh’s handwriting.

 

 

I open the paper, and begin to read…

 

_Dear my beautiful girlfriend,_

_I’m sorry for leaving you tonight. After you threw up I tucked you into bed, and you fell right asleep. I couldn’t sleep beside you. Not after the bomb you dropped on me. I’m hurt that you didn’t tell me before. That you didn’t tell me as soon as I thought you were still pregnant. You let me go a week thinking I was going to be a father. I even went out and bought things for the baby. That’s not even the worst part. You didn’t have the decency to tell me that I WAS going to be a father, but my child passed away. That hurts like hell,  Jen. You didn’t tell me that we had a child growing inside of you for months that passed away. Do you understand how badly that hurts me? I know it had to have been hard on you, and you’re probably still grieving, which is understandable. But you should have instantly told me. I hope you can give me the space I need to think. Because I have a million and one thoughts in my head that need to be organized. I need to think about how I feel about this, and how I feel about you for keeping this from me. I hope you understand, Jen._

_I love you with all my heart, Jennifer. Don’t ever think I don’t. Even for a second._

_Josh_

 

I read it 10 times. Over and over and over and over again.

 

Josh says he needs space to think, but I’m not sure I can give him that.

 

I grab my phone, and call him instantly. There’s no way he’ll go through with this, he needs me just like I need him.

 

No answer.

 

I lose track of the amount of text messages I send Josh, because vision is clouded from my tears.

 

**Jen: Please talk to me Josh.**

**Jen: I’m so sorry. I never meant to hurt you.**

**Jen: Please Josh. I need you.**

**Jen: I can’t lose you.**

He doesn’t respond.

 

I reach for my bedside table to get the ring out of the drawer, which is the only thing that brings me some sort of comfort nowadays.

 

I’m in shock when I reach for it, and it’s gone. Josh had to have taken it.

 

I curl into the fetal position, and cry my eyes out. I’ve hit rock bottom.

\-------------------------------------

 

_Josh-_

Jen has been trying to contact me for days. I can’t answer, or respond. I can’t stand to hear her say that she’s sorry one more fucking time.

 

It hurts. It hurts like hell.

 

The fact that she let me think I was going to be a father in a few months is almost unforgivable to me. If someone stabbed me in the heart it would have been less painful.

 

I don’t want to forgive her, but I love her too much to be without her.

 

The only activity I’ve done these past few days is lay around, be lazy, and eat. Oh yeah, and the case of beer I’ve downed.

 

“Josh?” I hear my mom’s voice yell. Fuck, what is she doing here?

 

“In here!”

 

“Joshua Ryan, what the fuck are you doing?”

 

My mom is looking around, at the food wrappers and empty beer bottles scattered around my living room, her mouth agape.

 

“Nothing.” I snap.

 

“Why haven’t you been answering my calls? Why are you sulking?”

 

“Nothing.” I repeat.

 

“Joshua Ryan Hutcherson, tell me what is wrong right now.”

 

I give in, and simply say, “Jen.”

 

“What about Jen?”

 

“I thought she was pregnant. She only just told me four days ago she lost it.”

 

“Oh no, Josh. She didn’t tell you when you found out?”

 

“Nope. I bought shit and everything.”

 

My mom sits next to me, and hugs me for a few minutes.

 

“Are you okay?” she asks.

 

“No. Not at all.”

 

“What are you going to do, Josh?”

 

“At this point I can’t live with her, but can’t live without her. I don’t know what to do.”

 

“Have you talked to her?”

 

“No. I haven’t responded to any of her texts or calls.”

 

“Have you forgiven her?”

 

“Fuck no! Are you crazy?”

 

“Josh. Stop. Think about where she was coming from. What you would have done if the roles were reversed. You didn’t see Jen when you got in the accident. You didn’t see her when you had the amnesia. She was a mess and so heartbroken.”

 

“Yeah, but…”

 

“No but’s. You need to cut her some slack. I know you’ve been through so much recently, but so has she.”

 

Damn. Sometimes I hate when my mom proves me wrong.

 

I have to go see her and apologize for being so cold. I never once thought about what she had gone through, I was being extremely selfish. Jen had been there for me after the accident, and now it’s my responsibility for being there for her.

 

_Jen-_

I haven’t heard from Josh in a week. I miss him so much.

 

I ended up wounding him so badly, while all I was trying to do was not hurt him. That came right back to bite me in the ass.

 

I’ve come to realize I’m not myself without Josh. My fun, loud, exuberant personality is severely dimmed, and I just don’t give a fuck about anything.

 

Including my appearance at the moment.

 

My short blonde hair is long overdue to be washed. I don’t have a single speck of makeup on my face. And I’m wearing the largest sweat pants that I own with Josh’s old t-shirt.

 

I haven’t eaten anything in a week. I don’t have any appetite. All day every day I feel sick to my stomach. This must be what heart break feels like.

 

I also can’t stop thinking about the baby. I’m still having recurring nightmares about losing him or her, so I haven’t slept much this past week either.

 

The knock on my door makes my heart drop. Who could that be? Probably Laura, since I’ve been ignoring her texts. She’s probably just worried about me.

 

I open the door, and am startled when I see Josh looking back at me.

 

Without hesitation, I throw my arms around him and begin to cry.

 

“Jen. Shhh.. Stop.”

 

My head begins to feel extremely light, and my vision blurs, and then begins to black out.

 

My body goes limp in Josh’s arms, and all I can remember is him scooping me up in his arms and running to his car.


	13. Chapter 13

They think I have an eating disorder. Josh wants to know how, and when it started. He must ask me these questions every five minutes. I tell him he’s crazy, he should know me better than that. He should know that this happened because he left me, and shattered my heart.

 

I can’t stand to be in this hospital for another second. Every time I look at the tubes coming out of my body I want to rip them all out, and escape.

 

“Miss Lawrence, your body is severely malnourished. When was the last time you’ve eaten?” The doctor won’t stop asking me the same questions over and over.

 

I’m not sure what’s worse; the doctor’s interrogations, or Josh’s.

 

My hands run up and down my protruding ribs. This wasn’t intentional. I never planned for this to happen. I just simply didn’t want to eat. I didn’t have an appetite. I was hurt.

 

“Jen,” Josh says when I ignore the doctor.

 

“Um, I don’t… I don’t know.”

 

My head begins to feel as light as a feather once again, and I slam my eyes shut. I sink down further into the bed, and under the thin hospital blanket.

 

I begin to think like a child, maybe if I can’t see them, then they can’t see me. I’m done attempting to answer their persistent questions.

 

Josh attempts to pull the blanket out of my grip, and expose me once again.

 

“Jen, come on. Just talk,” he says.

 

“Like a week and a half ago,” I mumble, my voice muffled slightly from the blanket.

 

“A week and half ago?” the doctor asks.

 

I rip the blanket away from my face.

 

“Yes, a week and a half ago! That’s what I just fucking said!”

 

I don’t know why I’m flipping out. He didn’t do anything, besides try and help me. I’m just angry.

 

“Baby, calm down…”

 

“Don’t Josh.” I snap, cutting him off.

 

It takes everything in me to ignore Josh’s hurt expression, but I just don’t care.

 

“I’ll give you some more time. The nurse should be bringing your lunch soon. I’ll come back later,” the doctor says, excusing himself.

 

Now he’s left me alone with Josh. Great.

 

“I’m so sorry,” he says.

 

“For what, Josh? For being selfish? For abandoning me when I needed your support the most?”

 

“Jen, stop.”

 

“No. You stop. Everything can’t just be okay now. I know I fucked up by not telling you, but you fucked up royally by abandoning me.”

 

He just stares at me blankly with his beautiful hazel eyes, searching for the words to speak, but they never come.

 

“You were there for the miscarriage Josh, but you weren’t really there. You don’t remember. And now you have no idea how badly it hurt, how badly it still fucking hurts,” I say after a few minutes of silence.

 

“I shouldn’t have left,” he says quietly, and when I steal a glance at him, I see the tears streaming down his cheeks.

 

“Yeah. You shouldn’t have.” I snap. I know his apology is sincere, but I can’t help but be cold with him. He left me, and I can’t forgive him that easily.

 

We sit in silence, and like usual, my thoughts end up drifting to our baby. My hard exterior toward Josh begins to crumble, and I find myself sobbing. I get under the blanket again, covering myself completely.

 

He tries to rip the blanket from my grip again, but I’m too weak to fight it. I let go, and he tries to pull me into a hug.

 

“Josh, let go of me. Right now.”

 

He doesn’t, and I end up crying hysterically in his arms.

 

“Jen, I’m so fucking sorry. I love you so much,” he says, kissing the top of my head repeatedly.

 

I don’t speak, and Josh doesn’t say anything else. We just continue to cry and hold each other. Even though he hurt me so badly, I can’t push him away. I realize that I need him. I can’t be without him.

 

Thankfully, when our crying ceases, the nurse carries in the tray holding my lunch. It’s no surprise that I’m starving, so I eat the small turkey sandwich within seconds.

 

Josh watches me intently while I eat, and makes sure I eat everything I was provided, even the disgusting Jell-O.

 

“I’m still hungry,” I say.

 

Josh stands up and begins to put his jacket on.

 

“Joshy, where the fuck do you think you’re going?”

 

“McDonald’s,” he says, with a smile.

 

“I love you,” I say.

\--------------------------------------

 

I’ve been home from the hospital for a week, and I’m already at my normal weight again. Josh has been staying with me, and we haven’t been able to keep our hands off of each other.

 

We’ve never been more in love either.

 

As we’re lying in post-coital bliss, Josh blurts out, “Move in with me.”

 

“What…?” I ask, in disbelief.

 

“Move in with me. There’s more than enough room in the treehouse. I need you with me at all times.”

 

The smile on his face looks as if his cheeks are about to rip.

 

Secretly, this is the reason that I still have an apartment. I’ve never invested in a house because I didn’t want to get one without Josh. I know we’re in this relationship for the long haul; I’ve just been waiting for him to ask me.

 

“Yes, Joshy! Of course!”

 

He envelops me in a huge hug, and squeezes me tightly.

 

“You have no idea how happy I am right now,” he says.

 

“Oh trust me, I do.”

\--------------------------------------

 

I’m lucky, because I have Josh to carry the heavy boxes into the moving truck. My only job is to put all of my stuff into the boxes.

 

“Jeez, Jen. What the fuck do you have in this one,” Josh says while attempting to pick up one up.

 

“Um… my awards,” I say hesitantly.

 

Josh has to set the box down because he’s laughing so hard. “Seriously?” he says.

 

“Yes! Don’t be jealous, Joshy.” I tease.

 

Josh breaks us out of our laughter, “Fuck, I forgot the truck is still running!”

 

When he runs outside to turn it off, I rummage through the box. I take my Oscar out, and close the box. I sit the Oscar on top of it, for Josh to see.

 

“Really, Jen?” he says as soon as he walks in.

 

Once again, we both burst into a fit of laughter. “I hate you!” Josh says.

 

“No! You love me!”

 

He hugs me, and gives me a soft kiss. “I do. A lot. Now lets get you moved into my house.”

\----------------------------------------

 

“Driver! Come here!” I say, as I pat the empty spot on the couch next to me. He ignores me and walks over to Josh.

 

“Why doesn’t he come to me?” I ask.

 

“He’s just used to it being me and him here. He’ll get used to you.”

 

Josh is making us our first meal in the house together, grilled salmon and vegetables. When I asked to help, Josh decided to let me put together a salad. Something easy enough that I can’t mess up, hopefully.

 

“I feel bad. I have Driver, but you don’t have a buddy for yourself,” Josh yells from outside through the screen door.

 

“What do you mean?”

 

“Just come out here.”

 

When I go outside, I see the cutest little puppy in the entire world. She is a light shade of brown, and one of her paws is white.

 

“JOSH! OH MY GOD!”

 

He picks her up, and walks over to me with the biggest satisfied smile on his face. He places the puppy in my arms and says, “She’s for you.”

 

“Joshy! No you didn’t!” I yell, as I place soft kisses all over the puppy’s face and body.

 

“I did. Do you like her?”

 

“No, I love her! Thank you so much, Josh!” I hug him, careful not to crush the fragile puppy in my arms.

 

“What are you going to name her?” he asks, still beaming a smile at me.

 

“I don’t know! Oh, oh, oh! Pippi!”

 

“Pippi…?” Josh asks.

 

“Yes. Don’t be mean. She loves the name! Don’t you Pippi!?” I say in my high pitched voice reserved for babies and dogs.

 

“You’re strange,” Josh says before he kisses my forehead.

 

“Now one for Pippi!” I say, and he gives the puppy a kiss on her little head.

 

I eat my entire meal with Pippi on my lap, while Driver lies at Josh’s feet.

 

“It feels like we’re parents with these dogs,” Josh says.

 

I’m fully aware it was meant as a joke, but it strikes a nerve within me. My eyes fill up with tears, and I cant tear my eyes away from the ground. I have to keep telling myself not to cry.

 

“Jen? Are you okay?”

 

“Uh, yeah. I’m fine,” I reply, as a single tear streams from my eye, burning my cheek in its path.

 

He leaps out of his chair, and wraps me in his arms.

 

“Jen, what’s wrong baby?”

 

I don’t speak, because nausea unexpectedly hits me like a bus. I try and ignore it, but I end up pushing Josh off of me, placing Pippi gently on the ground, and sprinting to the bathroom.

 

I empty the contents of my stomach into the toilet, cringing the entire time. I suppose I won’t be eating salmon ever again.

 

“Jen, are you throwing up?” Josh asks from the other side of the door.

 

“Yeah. I’ll be out soon.”

 

Since my previous pregnancy ended in an absolute disaster, I have been extremely paranoid. If I have a headache, I take a pregnancy test. If I have a stomach ache, I take a pregnancy test. If I even sneeze, I take a pregnancy test.

 

I take one out from the place I’ve hidden them in the bathroom. I pee on the stick, and I don’t take my eyes away from it for one second during the three minutes it takes to process.

 

The sight of the positive symbol causes me to vomit again. This can’t be happening, not after how the last one resulted. I can’t go through this again.

 

“Jen…?”

 

Fuck. I cannot muster up the strength to tell Josh now. I decide to hide the test, and pretend like I’ve come down with the stomach flu, or something. Which is ironic, since Josh just left me for lying for him, but I just can’t help it. I’ll tell him soon.

 

The instant I open the door Josh comes running in, and hugs me. He’s stroking my hair and asking if I’m okay.

 

“Yeah, it’s probably just a virus or something,” I say.

 

“Are you sure?” he asks. I nod in response.

 

“Oh, okay. Let’s get you to bed so you can rest.”

\----------------------------------------

 

_Josh-_

Jen has been throwing up for a few days with the stomach flu. I feel helpless, because all I can do for her is rub her back while she throws up, and attempt to get her to eat some toast, or drink some water.

 

All I want is to rid her of the pain and sickness, and take it all for myself.

 

Luckily, she has the new puppy to keep her company. I wish that I could, but I’m beginning to develop cabin fever sitting in this house.

 

“Jen? I’ll be back. I’m going to get you some more ginger ale for your stomach.”

 

Except that’s not all that I have planned.

 

When I get into my car, I pull the ring out of my pocket. I examine it as it sits on my palm, but I can’t stand to look at it anymore.

 

I bought it for Jen the night of the accident, and I was rushing back to her apartment to propose, when apparently I collided with a drunk driver. Actually, the drunk driver collided with me.

 

This ring now only signifies bad memories for me, and also for Jen. She’s had the ring since the doctors found it in my pocket and gave it to her. I begin to wonder what she did with it, and if she wore it or kept it hidden in the drawer.

 

I drive with the ring still in my hand, and when I pull up to the pawn shop, I shove it back into the pocket of my jeans.

 

They give me $5,000 for it, which I accept, although I spent much more on it. I don’t even care. I need to get rid of it.

 

I feel liberated when the ring is out of my possession. It represents a fresh start for me, and for us.

 

My next stop is a jewelry store to get a new ring for Jen.

 

I decide to get a completely different ring than the first; a square diamond instead of round, and a different style with the band.

 

I hope that Jen will like it, but mostly I hope that she says yes when I ask the question.

 

My nerves are through the roof while I get Jen some ginger ale, my hands shaking while I grab the bottle. I nearly drop it, but thankfully I catch it just in time before it hits the floor.

 

The weight of this one question feels like I’m being crushed. I’m not going to be able to breathe if I don’t ask soon.

 

“Josh? Is that you?” Jen yells when I enter the house.

 

I hide the box with the ring under the couch cushion, then make my way up the stairs, to our bedroom where Jen is still laying.

 

Pippi greets me with a wagging tail, and then some kisses when I pick her up.

 

“Yes, Pippi! Give your daddy kisses!” Jen says, and I’m happy to see she’s smiling. “Did you get the ginger ale?”

 

“Yeah, sorry it took long. I went for a drive before going to the store. Have you thrown up since I left?”

 

“Nope. I’ve just been laying with Pippi watching some Housewives.”

 

No surprise, Jen spent her alone time watching The Real Housewives.

 

“How are the housewives doing? Any juicy drama?” I ask. She knows I’m just joking, and that I don’t really know, or care, about what’s going on in the show.

 

“Oh you know, same shit, different episode.” She smiles, and I decide now is a good time to pop the question, since she’s in a good mood.

 

“Since your stomach seems better now, how about we go downstairs and I make you something for lunch? And by something I mean toast.”

 

“Sure Joshy. Just toast, I don’t want to upset my stomach.”

 

“Okay baby. Want me to carry you?”

 

We’re both cracking up when Jen picks up Pippi, and then has me pick up both of them. When I lay Jen down on the couch, I say a silent prayer that she doesn’t find the box. Why the fuck did I put it there? That might be the worst hiding spot ever.

 

I attempt to keep her distracted, “So, do you think your stomach flu is over?”

 

Her silence after I ask the question is strange, like she’s hiding something, but eventually she just says, “I don’t know.”

 

“It’s okay if it isn’t. I’m still going to take care of you.”

 

“I know you will, Joshy. You’re always so good to me.”

 

I take this as my cue to get this excruciatingly heavy weight off of my chest. Here goes nothing.

 

Not to be obvious, I get on both knees beside Jen on the couch. I plant a gentle kiss on her lips, and when I pull away, I decide to just go for it. You can do this, Josh.

 

“Jen, you know I love you more than anything. I know that I can’t see myself with anyone else in the future. I know it as well as you do that we are meant for each other, especially after everything that’s happened between us this past year. I feel like we’re stronger than ever now. No more secrets, Jen.”

 

I reach under the couch cushion for the ring box, and when I glance at Jen she looks confused, and her eyes are filled up with tears.

 

I resituate myself, and get on only one knee, open the box, and ask, “Jennifer Lawrence, you are the love of my life. Will you marry me?”

 

She doesn’t say anything.

 

“Jen…?”

 

What the fuck is going on right now? Why isn’t she saying anything?

 

I close the ring box, and grab her hand. While my thumb moves in small circles, she bursts out into tears. This can’t be a good sign.

 

“Jen, baby. It’s okay. You don’t have to say yes.”

 

“No secrets, Josh?” she asks, barely audible through her sobs.

 

What is she talking about? I have no secrets anymore.

 

“Yes, of course. Why?”

 

She jumps off the couch and runs upstairs. My first instinct is that she’s going to throw up again, so I follow her.

 

I am surprised when she isn’t throwing up, but searching through the cabinet under the sink.

 

“Jen, what’s going on?”

 

She looks at me, wipes the tears from her cheeks, and throws something at me. It hits me in the chest, and then falls to the floor. My heart stops beating when I look down, and see what it is.

 

A pregnancy test.

 

“Jen…?”

 

She just stares at me in silence, which makes me even more nervous. I didn’t even think it could be possible.

 

Slowly, I bend down and pick up the test off of the floor. My eyes fill up with tears when I see the result, a little red plus sign.

 

“I’m sorry,” she whispers, her voice hoarse from crying.

 

“Jen, I…”

 

I’m unsure what to say. I’m not even sure how I feel at this moment. Am I happy? Or mad, because she didn’t tell me? Or am I scared, because she’s actually pregnant? I don’t know.

 

“I’m scared, Josh. The last one…it ended…so badly…I can’t go through that again,” she says, having to take pauses in between her cries.

 

“I’m here this time. I’m really here. It’s going to be okay.”

 

I get on the floor next to her, and wrap her in my arms. Eventually we both stop crying, and I kiss the top of her head.

 

“You never did answer my question, baby.”

 

“Yes,” she whispers quietly, and I’m unsure if I even heard her correctly.

 

“Yes?”

 

“Yes.”

 

“You’ll marry me?”

 

“Yes.”


	14. Chapter 14

“Jen, you can’t just stay inside forever!”

 

“I’m not going out. I’m huge. I’m going to be seen, and everyone will know that I’m fucking pregnant! Then the rumors will start. Josh, you know how this is going to go! Just let me stay inside!”

 

This has become an every day debate for Josh and I. We’ve been renting a small apartment in Louisville to be close to our families during the pregnancy, and away from the paparazzi.

 

“You’ve practically been inside for five months, Jen. We’re not in LA! No one will see you, I promise.”

 

“I’ve been outside in five months, Josh. Don’t act like I haven’t left the apartment in five months. We’ve been out plenty of times! Besides, Pippi is great company!”

 

My puppy wags her little tail when she hears her name.

 

“I know you’ve been out, so let’s go out now! Come on! We can’t sit inside for the whole nine months, Jen. We’ll get some lunch, maybe do some shopping for the baby.”

 

“They invented online shopping for a reason.”

 

“Jen, come on!”

 

“No. Just go by yourself.”

 

“I don’t want to go by myself. That’s no fun. I want to go out with you, and get you some fresh air!”

 

When I ignore him, he rolls his eyes and attempts to pull the blankets off of me, and get me out of bed.

 

“Jennifer, get up.”

 

“Joshua, no.”

 

At this moment, I’m unsure which of us is more stubborn.

 

“Ugh!” Josh sighs in exasperation. He surrenders, giving me the blanket back.

 

I really do want to go out, I’m tired of being stuck in this apartment. I just don’t want the paparazzi to see me. It’s obvious that I’m pregnant, there’s no hiding it. If I’m seen, the ‘who’s the father?’ rumors will begin to start. I can’t handle that, or coming out with our relationship to the public, because our privacy is what keeps me sane. Well, as sane as I can possibly be.

 

Josh wants us to come out to the public. Reveal our relationship, and the baby.

 

That would be nice, I could go outside, and not have the fear of being seen with my huge baby belly consume me at all times. But, on the contrary, no one is in our personal business. Nobody knows that we’re even in a relationship, let alone expecting a child.

 

Who am I kidding? I can’t fucking do it. The public, and media, is too brutal.

 

“Let’s just be seen. Who cares? Let them find out,” Josh says, nonchalantly like it’s not a big deal whatsoever.

 

“Easy for you to say. You aren’t the fat one.”

 

“Jennifer, you and I both know you don’t want to be seen simply because you’re pregnant. There’s more to it. Talk to me.”

 

“If I’m spotted, there’s no question, everyone will know that I’m 100% pregnant. There’s no hiding this. The father rumors will start.”

 

“That’s why we just need to come out. Come on, Jen. You know it will be easier. You could actually leave this fucking apartment! It will be so much better for both of us.”

 

“Josh…”

 

“Give me one reason. One good, solid reason why this is a bad idea.”

 

“Rumors…”

 

“Nope!” he cuts me off.

 

“Gossip…”

 

“Nah! Come on, Jen. Give me the good stuff.”

 

“No more privacy…”

 

“We have none now! You feel like you’re trapped inside. That’s not privacy.”

 

“Um…”

 

“See, you can’t even give me a good reason.”

 

“I just don’t want to! Leave this alone Josh!” I don’t know why I’m yelling. Oh wait, yes I do, damn hormones.

 

“Well we’ve been through this debate millions of times. Fine, we’ll never do it. Let’s just live our lives behind closed doors.”

 

“I didn’t say that. I just want our child born into a healthy environment. Being hounded by big men with cameras isn’t healthy.”

 

“And being trapped inside all day everyday is healthy?”

 

“Josh, we won’t be…”

 

“No, Jen. This conversation is done. I don’t want to fight. We won’t come out to the public. It’s fine. Can we just please go outside today, before I go crazy?”

 

I decide to give in. I don’t need to be fighting with Josh, not while I’m five months pregnant.

 

“Sure. We can get lunch and do the baby shopping. Promise me we won’t be seen, Joshy?”

 

“I promise, baby. The chances of paps in Louisville are slim to none. You know that.”

\--------------------------------------

 

I wake up the next morning refreshed and feeling good, minus the back pain from the pregnancy. I’m glad I ended up going out with Josh yesterday. We had a productive day, ending up getting most of the shopping for the baby done.

 

A text message and voicemail from Liz confuse me, what could she want?

 

‘Oh no, Jennifer, what did you do? Call me back for some serious damage control. I need to know what you want to do. Please get back to me soon,’ the text reads.

 

I don’t even bother to listen to the voicemail. I instantly hit the call button.

 

She doesn’t even say hello, “Okay, we have a few options…”

 

“Liz, what are you talking about? What’s going on?”

 

“You don’t know?”

 

“No…”

 

“You are currently on the cover of nearly every gossip magazine.”

 

“What…what are you talking about?”

 

“Jennifer Lawrence, pregnant? Jennifer Lawrence sports huge baby bump. Who is the father? Yeah, Jen. Almost every one. What do you want to do?”

 

“What do you think?” I’m barely able to form the words. We were spotted, pictures were taken, and I didn’t even notice those sneaky bastards. Now, I’m on the cover of nearly every gossip magazine.

 

Just exactly what I didn’t want to happen, and what Josh promised me wouldn’t happen.

 

“We can ignore them. We can tell them the truth., but I suggest we make some sort of statement. It’s up to you, Jen.”

 

“Can we ignore them for now? See what else happens?”

 

“Sure. But make sure you tell Josh as soon as possible.”

 

“Okay. Thanks Liz. I’ll call you later after I talk to Josh.”

\----------------------------------------

 

“Hey babe,” Josh says as he walks into our bedroom.

 

I hurl a pillow across the room, and it smacks Josh right in the face.

 

“What the hell?” he yells.

 

“I am so fucking mad at you right now.”

 

“What? What’s going on?”

 

I lunge my phone across the room at him, and luckily he catches it.

 

“Look,” I say when he gives me another confused look.

 

His jaw nearly hits the floor when he reads the articles I pulled up off the internet.

 

“Jen… I…” He’s speechless.

 

“You promised me.”

 

“I didn’t… I didn’t know…”

 

“Read what they’re calling me. Fat, a slut, and a million other things.”

 

“Jen, don’t fucking read this shit.”

 

“They’re making guesses who the father is. I’ve read Nick, Chris fucking Martin, even Liam! But no Josh Hutcherson.”

 

He throws my phone onto the bed, “Don’t. Fucking. Read. This. Shit.” He stresses every syllable.

 

“Easy for you to say. No ones attacking you, Josh.”

 

“Really? Because it looks to me like you are!”

 

“You made me go out, promised me we wouldn’t be spotted. Guess what fucking happened!”

 

“How the fuck was I supposed to know! I’m not a fucking fortune teller, Jen! I’m not fucking psychic! Don’t blame me!”

 

“None of this would have happened if you didn’t make me leave the house!”

 

“Are you seriously planning to stay inside for the rest of your pregnancy, Jen? Think about how unrealistic, and ridiculous that is! You have to go outside!”

 

“I’m never going outside again.”

 

“You’re so stubborn. What are you going to do? Ignore them or tell the truth about us?”

 

“Ignore.”

 

“Oh, of course. God forbid everyone finds out your having, your short co-star, and C-list celebrity Josh Hutcherson’s fucking kid!”

 

“Josh, that’s not…”

 

“Wait, why wasn’t I in any of the paparazzi pictures?”

 

“It was probably when you were parking the car. They got what they needed and scattered quickly, I guess. I don’t fucking know!”

 

“Whatever.”

 

“Where are you going?” I ask when Josh makes his way to the door.

 

“Going for a ride to calm down.”

 

“No! Josh, get the fuck over here! You can’t do it again! You can’t drive angry, and you can’t get into an accident again! Please, just come here! I’m sorry!”

 

“That’s not going to happen again,” he snaps.

 

“Josh, please. Don’t leave. Please.” The tears are burning my cheeks. I blame the hormones once again.

 

As soon as I close my eyes, I feel his arms around me, comforting me like they always do.

 

“Shhhh, Jen. I’m not going anywhere.”

 

“What are we going to do?” I ask, my voice muffled because I’m pressed up so closely against Josh’s body.

 

“Whatever you want to do, baby. It’s your choice.”

 

“We’re telling.”

 

“Telling what…?” he sounds so utterly confused, like he can’t believe the words just came out of my mouth. I honestly can’t believe they have either.

 

“Telling the public. Remember what you said when you proposed? No more secrets, Josh.”

 

I text Liz, and tell her we’ve decided to just spill the beans, and tell the truth. Josh has convinced me everything will be easier this way, and when we wake up in the morning we will feel liberated not having to hide his massive secret any longer.

 

I curl up into a ball with Pippi against my protruding pregnant belly, and Josh wraps us both in his arms again, and this is how we fall asleep.

\----------------------------------------

 

I make my way down the stairs this morning a bit too slowly. Now, at this stage of my pregnancy, I’ve been moving more slowly in general.

 

I’m also nervous, the world knows about our relationship, engagement, and pregnancy. This is going to take me a while to get used to. Even though Josh thinks it will be better, I’m still beyond fucking terrified.

 

I try and run, and get to the pancakes and bacon I smell Josh cooking, but it just doesn’t work. I end up out of breath and in pain after just a few steps.

 

“Damn swollen ankles!” I yell. Josh comes rushing to my side.

 

“Are you okay, baby? I’m making breakfast.”

 

“Yeah, I know, I can smell it. I don’t know if I’ll ever make it to the kitchen though!”

 

Josh laughs and scoops me up in his arms, “Careful, Josh! I’m heavy!”

 

We both laugh as he sets me down on a chair at the kitchen table.

 

“You are not heavy,” he attempts to cheer me up, but I know he’s lying.

 

“You’re a bad liar, Joshy. Feed me pancakes!” I yell.

 

He laughs as he places a few pancakes on my plate. “And one for Pip!” he says, and puts a tiny little pancake in Pippi’s dog bowl.

 

“What about Driver?”

 

“Oh trust me, he already had his fair share! Didn’t you buddy?” he says while petting Driver’s head.

 

He gets back to cooking, and abruptly becomes very quiet, which is strange for him. This is not normal Josh behavior.

 

“What’s wrong?” I ask, testing the waters.

 

“Will you tell me…?” he asks softly.

 

“Tell you what?”

 

“About the amnesia… I want to know… you know, what it was like.”

 

“Well, we got drunk and had sex a few times,” I say, laughing. Josh doesn’t find it too amusing.

 

“No, seriously, Jen. It’s eating away at me. I really want to know.”

 

“It was the hardest thing I’ve ever had to deal with in my life,” I say almost inaudible. “Well,” I place my hand on my belly, thinking about the baby we lost, “the second hardest.”

 

“I’m so sorry,” he says, and I can see the tears forming, threatening to spill out at any moment.

 

“Josh, don’t be silly. It’s not your fault at all.”

 

“Keep going,” he urges me to continue.

 

“I was drinking a lot. I guess I was drinking my pain away, not a good idea.”

 

“Jen…”

 

“And when I was with you I never felt like I was really with you. Sure you mostly had the same personality but it wasn’t you,” I put my hand on his cheek, “it wasn’t my Joshy.”

 

He just stares at me with his beautiful hazel eyes, which makes me want to continue telling him.

 

“There is nothing more painful than sitting in that hospital waiting room, not knowing if the person you love is going to make it or not. It’s pain on a whole other level. I never thought I’d see you again, hug you again, or kiss you again.”

 

“Jen, I’m so sorry.”

 

“It’s not your fault. Stop apologizing, please.”

 

“I shouldn’t have left that night. That was so stupid. I should have talked to you. I shouldn’t have left like a child. I…”

 

“Josh. Stop.”

 

He opens and closes his mouth, like he can’t find the words to speak.

 

“I never stopped loving you,” I whisper.

 

He grabs both sides of my face and crashes his lips into mine. His kiss is full of desperation.

 

I break away, “Josh, it’s okay. Everything’s okay now.”

 

“I love you so much, Jen. I feel horrible. Please, tell me more.”

 

We end up sitting for about an hour, eating our breakfast and talking about Josh’s amnesia. Thankfully, his mood has lightened, and he is actually laughing about the one night I got drunk and ended up in his bed.

 

“Are you kidding me? And you woke up in my bed?” He does the adorable thing when he claps while he laughs. “That’s hilarious! What did I say?”

 

“I think something like, ‘Jennifer? What the fuck?’”

 

We laugh for a while, and we end up lying in bed for the entire day. After many episodes of crappy reality TV, we decide we’re hungry, and ready for dinner.

 

“What are you in the mood for?” Josh asks.

 

“Well, you just cooked that big breakfast…”

 

“That was this morning. It’s 6:00 at night. You don’t have to beat around the bush, Jen. We can get pizza if you want,” he says, with a huge smile on his face because he knows I always want pizza.

 

“Pizza!” I yell, throwing my arms up in the air.

 

“Pizza it is! I’ll order now then pick it up so it’s faster.”

 

“Sure, Joshy.”

 

While Josh is picking up the pizza, I switch over to E!, and watch some Keeping up with the Kardashians.

 

I’m disappointed when the episode is over after just a few minutes, and when I see that E! News is on next, I make a fake gagging noise.

 

“Ew, Pippi! Let’s get this trash off the TV!”

 

She barks in response.

 

Before I can change the channel the words ‘Jennifer Lawrence’ cause me to instantaneously look from Pippi to the TV, nearly pulling a muscle in my neck.

 

“Hunger Games romance? Jennifer Lawrence and _Josh Hutcherson_ ,” the way she puts emphasis on Josh Hutcherson makes me sick, “Engaged, and a baby on the way? We have the inside scoop on this breaking news!”

 

“Breaking news!?” I scream, appalled that my personal life is considered ‘breaking news.’

 

My finger smashes down on the power button on the remote control, and before I even realize, I send the remote smashing into the wall. I hear that it breaks, but I don’t even care.

 

The tears begin, and I wipe my salted cheeks and whisper, “What have we done…?”

 

Just after the words leave my mouth I see Josh breathing heavily, standing in the doorway of our bedroom.

 

“Jen…?”


	15. Chapter 15

“If you didn’t want to do this, why did you agree to it?”

 

“I mean… I didn’t want to at first. But it makes sense right? It’s better than hiding.” I feel like I’m talking myself into it more than anything.

 

“Then explain this,” Josh holds up the broken remote control.

 

“I don’t know…”

 

“And this,” he points at the dent at our bedroom wall, because of the remote smashing into it.

 

“I don’t know! I got mad. They said it was breaking news. It pissed me the fuck off, so I threw the remote.”

 

“That sounds completely logical,” Josh says, sarcasm evident in his voice.

 

“Just like you punched that wall the night of the accident? Don’t be a hypocrite, Josh.”

 

Josh’s lips turn to a slight smile, and mine eventually do the same.

 

“Fine,” he smiles wide. “Who really cares? It’s just a remote. Let’s eat before the pizza gets cold.”

 

“Now that’s more important!” I yell.

 

Five slices of pizza later, I feel like I’m going to burst out of my clothing.

 

“I want my old body back,” I say, pretending to cry.

 

“Jennifer Lawrence, Academy Award winning actress… that’s the best you can do?”

 

“Joshy, don’t fucking tempt me. You’ve seen my ugly crying face in movies. I will break that shit out right now!”

 

“There’s no way anything you ever do could be ugly.”

 

Just as the words leave Josh’s mouth, a loud burp escapes from mine.

 

“I swear I didn’t do that on purpose,” I say, holding my hands up in defense, and we both laugh.

 

Josh walks over to where I’m sitting and places a gentle kiss on my lips, and places his hand on my pregnant belly.

 

“I love you. Both of you.”

 

“I love you too. So does she!”

 

“She…?”

 

“Just my guess.”

 

“Are you nervous to find out tomorrow?”

 

“No…”

 

But in reality, I’m terrified. I don’t know why finding out the sex of the baby has me so freaked out.

 

“Jen, I know you too well for you to lie to me. I promise, it will all be fine.”

 

Just like every other night, our new routine, I fall asleep in Josh’s strong arms, and Pippi falls asleep in mine.

 

“Goodnight, baby,” I say.

 

“Goodnight,” Josh replies.

 

“Awkward… I was talking to Pippi…”

 

We both fall asleep with smiles on our faces.

\----------------------------------------

 

_“If it’s a boy, I hope for his sake he gets your height!” A man with a huge camera yells in my face._

_“Fuck off!” I reply._

_“Jennifer! Are you sure Josh is the father? Aren’t you a little bit out of his league!”_

_They won’t stop yelling at me. When I ignore them, they scream louder. I can’t even run away, because I’m pregnant. My ankles are swollen, and I have a big belly, making it impossible to pick up my speed._

_“Leave me alone!” I scream._

_“Who’s the real father, Jennifer?” a man asks, his face only a few inches from mine._

_I punch him in the face, and he grabs hold of his jaw._

_“Now you’re a slut AND a bitch!” he yells._

_“Go fuck yourself! Leave me the fuck alone!” I scream at the other men._

_While attempting to speed walk, I trip and fall, and land on the pavement…_

I jolt awake breathing heavily and screaming, and I rip the blankets off of me.

 

“Where is it!?” I scream.

 

Josh looks utterly confused, “Where’s what, Jen…? Are you okay?”

 

“The blood. The same nightmare…” I place my hands on my stomach. “The baby… Josh we need to go to the hospital now!” I’m still shouting.

 

“Why? What’s going on?” The confusion is still unmistakable on his face, and in his voice.

 

“The nightmare. The miscarriage. We have to go, Josh. NOW!”

 

Josh examines the sheets on our bed, “Jen, there’s no blood or anything. I don’t think…”

 

“This can’t be happening again! This can’t be happening again!” I’m screaming and crying, holding my face in my hands.

 

Josh tries to wrap his arms around me. “Jen, stop. Shhhh. It’s okay. The baby is fine,” he says, in his attempt to comfort me.

 

“No! You don’t know that! It’s not! The nightmare! We need to go to the hospital damn it!” I push Josh off of me, and attempt to stand.

 

“Jen, get back in the bed. Everything’s fine.”

 

“Joshua Ryan Hutcherson, if you do not get out of this bed and take me to the hospital right now I will pack all my shit and be out of here by tomorrow!”

 

“Jen, I’m telling you, you’re fine…”

 

“GET THE FUCK UP, JOSH!”

 

I stomp over to my dresser, and change into sweatpants and a t-shirt. Unfortunately, I catch a glimpse of myself in the mirror. My eyes are bright red, eyelids swollen, and my cheeks are stinging, and stained with tears.

 

Josh is out of bed too, and is putting on a pair of jeans. He looks concerned, which means he must finally be taking me seriously.

 

During the car ride, Josh slowly reaches his hand over towards mine. I lace my fingers, which are wet with tears, through his hand, and he gives me a small smile, as if he didn’t know if I would hold his hand.

 

“I’m sorry, Josh. For yelling.”

 

“It’s okay. Everything’s okay.”

 

“I’m scared,” I whisper.

 

“Not that I don’t believe you, but isn’t there supposed to be blood, or something? Are you in any pain?”

 

I rip my hand from Josh’s grip, and give him a scowl.

 

“I’m sorry, baby. Just relax.”

 

I close my eyes, and take deep, calming breaths for the rest of the ride to the hospital.

 

“Okay? Are you ready?” Josh asks, when he’s parked the car.

 

For some reason, everything Josh has been saying is flooding my brain. No blood, no pain, just a nightmare.

 

“Joshy, please don’t be mad…”

 

“What are you talking about? Let’s go in.”

 

“I think…” I take a deep breath. “I think I’m fine.”

 

“You what?” Josh asks. “Jen, we just drove all the way here!”

 

“I said don’t be mad!”

 

“I’m not! Are you sure you’re okay?”

 

“No blood, no pain. I think so. I’m sorry.”

 

We drive a bit of the way home in silence, and I’m almost positive Josh is mad at me, until he bursts out laughing.

 

I giggle, “What’s so funny?”

 

“I don’t really know. It’s 3:00 AM, my fiancé had a nightmare and made me drive her to the hospital, only to say she was fine in the parking lot. We’re so fucked up, Jen!”

 

He’s completely right. We both laugh until our stomachs ache and our ribs hurt.

We arrive home around 3:30 in the morning, and when we get changed, and situate ourselves back in bed, I’m wide awake.

 

“Josh?” I whisper to see if he’s sleeping.

 

When he doesn’t respond, I shake him. “Josh, wake up baby. Pleeeeease.”

 

He rolls over, still half asleep, and is squinting at me.

 

“I can’t sleep.”

 

“Are you okay, baby? You’re feeling okay?”

 

“Yes. Just kiss me.”

 

I grab the back of Josh’s head, thread my fingers through his hair, and pull him to my face.

 

After we make out for a couple of minutes, Josh breaks away and rests his forehead against mine.

 

“Are you sure you’re okay, Jen?”

 

“Yes. Josh, please.”

 

Our mouths connect and our tongues intertwine again. It’s been a while since we’ve done this.

 

When Josh attempts to take off my extra-large t-shirt, I stop abruptly, feeling extremely self-conscious about my body, and not wanting this to go any further. I don’t want him to see my big pregnant body naked.

 

“What’s wrong?” he asks, out of breath.

 

“My body. I…”

 

“What about it? Babe, your body is gorgeous.”

 

“No. It’s big. And fat.”

 

“It’s not…”

 

“Don’t lie to me, Josh.”

 

“Jen,” he places his hand on my belly. “That’s our baby in there. I’ve never seen anything so beautiful.”

 

A smile spreads across my face. Josh always knows how to make me happy, and I love him for it.

 

I grant him access, and he slowly peels my shirt off. He looks at me with such adoration, that a single tear runs down my cheek.

 

He quickly brushes it away with his finger, “I’m honestly so tired of seeing you cry. No more, okay?”

 

“Okay,” I whisper.

 

It confuses me when he lowers himself further down the bed. I don’t know what he’s going to do, because my pants are still on. I’m shocked when he begins to place feather light kisses on my belly.

 

“Don’t. Ever. Say. You’re. Fat. Again.” he says, kissing my belly between each word.

 

“Okay,” I whisper again, unable to think of anything else to say.

 

He comes back up to face me, and plants a gentle kiss on my lips. Lying back down, he holds me, kisses my forehead, and mumbles, “Sleep now, Jennifer.”

 

“Hmmm…” is all I manage, before slumber takes me.

\---------------------------------------

 

“Jen. Wake up,” Josh says, lightly shaking my body.

 

“Nooooooooooo,” I groan into the pillow.

 

“But we get to find out the sex of the baby soon!”

 

Josh’s excitement causes a smile to spread across my face.

 

I slowly get out of bed, and make my way to the bathroom to get ready for my doctor’s appointment. We’re finding out the sex of the baby today. I’m pretending to match Josh’s excitement, but deep inside I’m freaking out. I’m unsure why, because I’m indifferent about whether the baby is a boy or a girl; as long as it’s healthy.

 

Josh sits in the chair next to me, not once letting go of my hand. He knows how nervous I am.

 

“I never got to this part last time,” I whisper.

 

“I know. But we’re here now. It’s all going to be okay,” Josh reassures me.

 

The doctor comes into the room, and squirts the cold jelly on my belly. Then, he begins the ultrasound.

 

The sigh of relief when he says the baby looks completely healthy comes out much louder than I had hoped. Josh shoots me a pleased look, and I know we could not be more thrilled.

 

“Any questions or concerns?” the doctor asks.

 

“Yes,” Josh speaks up before I get the chance to ask the question I know he is going to ask. “We were told we would be able to find out the sex today?”

 

“Ah, yes. Give me just a second.”

 

While the doctor stares at the screen for a few minutes, I can’t tear my eyes away from Josh. He gives me a small smile and squeezes my hand, which is his silent way of telling me everything is going to be okay.

 

“Are you ready?” the doctor asks.

 

We smile at each other again, and Josh says, “Yes.”

 

“It’s a girl.”

\---------------------------------------

 

After I’m all cleaned up, and we have a meeting with the doctor, Josh and I are ready to sneak out the back door of the office, just as we came in.

 

All it takes is seeing one flash in my peripheral vision for the dread to consume me.

 

 

“Fuck, Josh,” I whisper, and he tries his best to use himself to shield me. But it’s no use.

 

“Jennifer! Josh!” they yell.

 

I was never able to understand how Josh could stay so calm around them? I, on the other hand, find it extremely difficult not to lash out. I want to punch all of them. Luckily, I have Josh to lean on, and keep me strong.

 

“Jennifer! How far along are you?”

 

“Josh! Are you really the father?”

 

“Jennifer! Jennifer! Look over here!”

 

My middle finger shoots up, and I point it in their direction. I hear Josh laugh beside me, which is a relief.

 

As soon we get in the car and shut the doors, I scream, “FUCK!”

 

I can tell that Josh doesn’t know how to approach this, because he’s staying silent.

 

“I’m sorry, Josh. I just fucking hate them.”

 

“Don’t apologize. I hate them too.”

 

“But you’re so calm around them. How do you not let them affect you?”

 

“I don’t know. I just don’t.”

\---------------------------------------

 

Later that day, we are lying on the couch eating cold leftover pizza. This is when I am at my happiest, doing nothing and relaxing with Josh.

 

“Should we start picking out names for the baby?” I ask.

 

“Sure. Do you have any ideas?”

 

“Katniss,” I joke.

 

Josh laughs, “Our poor child would be headed for a life of ridicule.”

 

“Chloe,” I say inaudibly, because I’m nervous Josh won’t like the name. I’ve had this name in the back of my head for a few months, and I really love it.

 

“Chloe…” Josh repeats, testing the name on his tongue.

 

“We don’t have to. It’s only a suggestion…”

 

“I love it!”

 

“You do?” I can’t control the huge smile that breaks out across my face.

 

“Yes! It’s official. Her name will be Chloe.”

 

There’s also something else that’s been in the back of my head.

 

“Josh…?”

 

“Yeah?”

 

“Let’s get married before the baby comes.”

 

“Are you sure? She will be here in 4 months. That’s not a lot of time to plan a…”

 

“If you don’t want to it’s fine.” I snap.

 

“No, Jen. I’m sorry. Let’s do it, please. I want to.”


	16. Chapter 16

“Josh, hurry! Feel!”

 

He practically runs over to me, broad smile on his face. When he places his hand on my belly, and he feels the baby kick, his eyes fill up with tears.

 

“I can’t believe this. This is amazing!”

 

The look in Josh’s eyes causes mine to tear up as well. His excitement over being a father almost makes my nerves over being a mother fade away. Almost.

 

It’s not easy pretending to be thrilled in front of Josh. Although he knows that I’m nervous for Chloe’s arrival, he doesn’t realize the full extent.

 

When I’m alone, or lying around with Pippi, my fear overwhelms me. I cry, feeling sorry for myself. I’m in no way prepared, or ready to become a mother. I also think about the public, the paparazzi, and the media. How will I ever be able to take my child out in public?

 

“Jen, are you okay?” Josh asks, looking up at me with his hand still on my belly.

 

“Yeah, I’m fine. Is she still kicking?”

 

I place my hand down, and feel her kicking. Josh beams a smile at me, and I give him a fake one back. Hopefully he doesn’t notice.

 

“Let’s move to Kentucky,” Josh blurts out.

 

“Um, what?”

 

Move to Kentucky? Josh and I both have careers that require us to be in LA quite often, and living in Kentucky would mean a ridiculous amount of traveling across the country.

 

“Let’s face it Jen, there’s no way in hell we can raise a family in LA. There would be no privacy. It’s just too busy here.”

 

 _Family?_ I don’t plan on having anymore children for a while after Chloe, and I thought that Josh and I were on the same page with that.

 

The ache in my chest spreads throughout my whole body. My breathing quickens, and I can’t help but scold myself in my head for thinking this way.

 

**Why am I not happy?**

“Yeah, we need to get away from the paparazzi, and commotion. It would be what’s best for her,” I say, putting emphasis on the ‘her,’ not the other children Josh is implying.

 

“Exactly. We need to do what’s best for the family.”

 

There’s that dreaded word again. _Family._ Josh and I have been a family for a while, but bringing children into this world is a whole additional story.

 

I just feel as if I won’t be able to take care of Chloe as good as I’d like, and my fears of being a horrible mother spread through my mind like a wildfire. I wish I could stop stressing over this.

 

And just when I get the courage to possibly open up to Josh about these feelings, he stands up.

 

“Fuck, I’m sorry Jen. I have a meeting soon. Do you want me to make you something for lunch before I leave?”

 

“No. I’ll be fine.” I feel awful lying to Josh, and I wish that I didn’t have to. But I know that Josh will be worrying about me nonstop if I tell him what’s been going on in this fucked-up head of mine.

 

He kisses me goodbye, then bends down to give our baby a kiss as well.

 

“Bye, baby. I love you both,” he says.

 

My eyes follow Josh as he collects his car keys and cell phone, and before I know it he’s out the door, and I’m all alone.

 

I stand by the window, watching Josh get into his car. I say a prayer that he stays safe, just as I do every time he gets in any vehicle since the accident. When he pulls away, and is out of my sight, I’m back to depressed and emotionally drained Jennifer.

 

I flip through the channels, stopping on The Real Housewives of Beverly Hills for just a few minutes, before I flip past it. Now I know that I’m really not myself right now, if I don’t even want to watch my reality shows.

 

I sit in front of the TV with a bag of Cool Ranch Doritos resting on my belly. I’m surprised when I glance down, and see that I’ve eaten nearly the whole bag.

 

“Pip, did you steal some of mommy’s chips?” I ask my puppy.

 

I feel the baby moving, and tears pool in the corners of my eyes. I move the chips to the table, and lay back with my hand resting on my stomach.

 

Every time she kicks, the tears get closer and closer to spilling down my face. The thoughts are rushing around in my head, giving me a migraine. I just don’t know what to do with myself.

 

I’m unaware of how long I’ve been sitting here, until I hear the front door open.

 

“Jen?” Josh calls for me.

 

I can’t respond. I continue staring blankly at the wall, with my hand still resting on my stomach.

 

I don’t even glance in Josh’s direction, but I hear his footsteps quicken on the wood flooring as he runs over to me.

 

I feel his hands caress the sides of my face, his thumbs skimming over my tear stained cheeks. He presses his lips against mine, but I cant locate the effort to kiss back.

 

“Jen. Are you okay? Baby, what’s wrong?” He’s crying now as well.

 

When I don’t respond, he turns my face so that he can look me in the eyes. “Baby, please. Tell me what’s wrong.”

 

The tears burn my cheek, but I still can’t speak. Josh wipes the tears away as they fall, and I never once break my eye contact with him.

 

“Jen, I’m scared. Will you please talk to me?”

 

My resolve crumbles, and shatters into a million pieces. I launch myself into Josh’s arms, and cry. My sobs rack through my entire body, causing my muscles to ache.

 

Josh holds me tightly, rubbing my back while I cry. He doesn’t speak any more, most likely because he already knows that I won’t respond.

 

When my tear ducts are unable to produce any more tears, I pull away from Josh. He looks at me with a concerned look etched on his beautiful face. I can’t help but hold my arm out and run my hand down his cheek, across his perfectly etched jaw.

 

“I’m scared, Josh,” I whisper.

 

He plants rough kisses on my lips; over, and over again.

 

“Jennifer, you had me scared to death.” He rests his forehead against mine. “It’s going to be okay. I promise you.”

 

“I love you, Josh.”

 

“I love you more, Jen. Next week we’ll be in Kentucky, getting ready for the biggest day of our lives, let’s try and be excited.”

 

“I’m excited for that. But I’m terrified for what happens after.”

 

“What happens after?”

 

I rest my hand back on my stomach. “Chloe happens.”

\----------------------------------------

 

I look myself up and down in the full-length mirror in the church. Why would I think this was a good idea?

 

I look like a beached whale in a white, lace gown, with beautiful pearls sewn on the fabric.

 

“I’m so fucking huge,” I say to my mother.

 

“Jennifer, shut up. You look beautiful. I’m so happy for you!”

 

She envelops me in her loving arms. “Thanks mom,” I say when we part.

 

My bridesmaids and I sit around, waiting for the ceremony to start. They are all enjoying a glass of champagne, and I’m drinking ginger ale out of my champagne flute.

 

“Remember, keep all pointy objects away from me. I will fucking pop.”

 

“When are you due? Three weeks, right?” my best friend, Laura, asks when the laughter has ceased.

 

“Yes, and I’m terrified.”

 

“Oh, honey. You’ll be fine. Is Josh nervous too?”

 

I think back to that horrifying night last week, when I had my panic attack…

 

_“Chloe happens.”_

_“Everything will be fine. You’re going to be an amazing mother, Jen.”_

_“Please don’t fucking lie to me Josh. I’m a big child myself, how am I supposed to be responsible and care for one!” I yell._

_Josh seems startled by my outburst, and at a loss for words._

_“Jen, I’m not lying…”_

_“This is so easy for you, because you’re such a good person. And you’re going to be a fucking fantastic father, and I’m just going to be the goofy mother who watches while her dad takes care of her because I’ll probably drop her or something!”_

_Another hysterical crying fit begins, and neither Josh or me was prepared for it. He wraps me in his arms again, and lets me cry._

_“Shhhh, everything will be fine. We have each other, and we can get each other through anything.”_

“Hello! Jennifer! Is Josh nervous about the baby too?” Laura snaps her fingers in front of my face.

 

“Oh, sorry. Yeah, he is too. But not nearly as much.”

 

“I’m sure you’re so excited, Jen,” my sister in law asks.

 

“I’m thrilled,” I lie.

 

When it’s time for the ceremony to begin, I’m feeling extremely nauseous. Between the nerves, and Chloe doing flips around in my uterus, I’m sure vomiting is going to be inevitable.

 

“Shhh, baby. Stop jumping around. I know you’re excited about mommy and daddy getting married but you need to calm down,” I whisper down to my stomach.

 

As I make my way down the aisle, behind the ring bearer, my nephew, I catch a glimpse of Josh standing at the altar.

 

He’s chuckling about something, and his eyes are crinkled shut, and his head is thrown back, fully immersed in his laughter.

 

It is at this moment that I truly realize how deep my love for this man runs. I can feel it in my bones. I love him so truly, and so deeply. I am so lucky to have him.

 

As soon as he catches sight of me, his laughter ceases. His eyes fill up with tears, and his face breaks into a cheek-splitting grin. I smile back.

 

When I’m standing beside him, he grabs hold of my hands, and his thumb rub small circles on them.

 

He mouths ‘I love you’ to me, and I reciprocate. Everyone was right, this is the happiest day of my life.

\----------------------------------------

 

I sway in Josh’s strong arms, a bit too far away from him for my liking, because of my baby bump in between us. John Legend’s ‘All Of Me’ plays while we dance, occasionally kissing, and reeling in the fact that we are now Mr. and Mrs. Hutcherson.

 

“I love you so much Mrs. Hutcherson,” Josh says, beaming his smile at me.

 

“I love you Mr. Hutcherson, now feed me!”

 

We sit at our table, feeding each other our different dishes, making sure we try everything there is to eat, like Josh and I always do.

 

“Who’s bright idea was it to get married at almost nine months pregnant?” I ask Josh, while stuffing my face with a roll.

 

“Um, yours,” he says, smirking.

 

“Whatever! We should probably mingle a bit instead of eating the entire time. It is our wedding, Joshy, and I think we’re being rude.” We both laugh, and put down our utensils.

 

“Look who it is, Mr. and Mrs. Hutcherson!” Woody yells as we make our way toward him. “I’m so happy for you both,” he says as he hugs both of us.

 

We spend a large duration of time catching up with our Hunger Games cast members.

 

“I need to pee,” I whisper to Josh.

 

“My wife, so modest,” Josh laughs at his own joke.

 

“Very funny, Joshy. I’ll be right back.”

 

While walking to the bathroom, I’m grateful for my mom giving me the idea to change dresses for the reception. There’s no way I could sit all night, or even pee, in my huge wedding dress.

 

I have to lean against the wall for support when a sharp pain shoots throughout my abdomen. I’m unaware of how long I stand here, until I feel hands grip me from behind.

 

“Jen?” Josh asks, his voice filled with concern.

 

“Fucking Braxton Hicks,” I say.

_At least I hope that’s what it is._

 

“I was worried, you’ve been gone for like 10 minutes. I know it doesn’t take you that long to pee.”

 

“I’m fine. Let’s just go back.”

 

I spend the remainder of my wedding reception ignoring the pains in my stomach, and saying silent prayers.

 

_Please don’t let me go into labor on my wedding day. Please, Please, Please._

Josh and I dance for a while, until my swollen ankles and feet can’t take it any longer. I omit telling him about the persistent stomach pains; I don’t want to worry him on our wedding day.

 

He has been absolutely joyful today, beaming his beautiful smile nonstop. Watching him enjoying himself, and laughing with his, and my family makes me nearly forget the ache in my chest, and the tears that threaten to spill from my eyes at any moments notice.

 

I wish I could understand why I’ve been feeling this way. Josh is thrilled for Chloe’s arrival, and I feel like a piece of shit for not feeling the same way. I’m anxious, and can’t stop thinking about what happened last time, with my last pregnancy.

 

What if she’s not okay? I could lose her at any minute.

 

“Jen?”

 

I turn and see Josh standing there, and I uncontrollably throw my arms around him. He’s puzzled, but when the sobs begin, he squeezes me tightly.

 

“Jen, baby. Shhhh… What’s wrong?”

 

“What if she’s… What if… Josh…” My cries make it hard to understand my words.

 

“The baby is fine. It’s okay, she’s going to be fine. Let’s go somewhere more private.”

 

As Josh leads me away, I notice that the majority of our guests are staring at us. I consider telling them what we’re doing, and where we’re going, but I simply can’t find the strength or energy.

 

He takes me to a couch in a separate room from our venue, and makes me sit.

 

“Jen, what’s been going on with you? Are you unhappy?”

 

“No, Josh. I’m happy. It’s just…” I can’t proceed because the pain shooting through my belly is unbearable. I wince, and hold onto it with both hands while yelling profanities.

 

“Shit, Jen!”

 

 


	17. Chapter 17

“I’m sorry, Miss Lawrence. We have to wait at least two weeks until we can induce you.”

 

“You’ve got to be fucking kidding me.”

 

The one and only time that I actually want to be confined to this hospital bed, the doctor’s won’t allow it. They say it’s too early, and they’re making me go through another two weeks of this torture before inducing labor.

 

“Your due date isn’t for another two weeks. We have to wait this out.”

 

“So, you’re telling me that I have to withstand this pain, and discomfort for another two weeks just because of the due date, which may I point out is only an estimate. My due date could be right fucking now for all we know!”

 

“I’m sorry, Miss Lawrence, but there’s nothing I can do just yet.”

 

“It’s Mrs. Hutcherson, or Jennifer.”

 

“My apologies, Jennifer,” the doctor says, as he leaves the room. Leaving me alone with my dreadful thoughts, and wondering where Josh is.

 

I place my hands on my belly, attempt to ignore the pain, and close my eyes. Maybe I should try and get some rest before I’m sent home.

 

– – – – – – –

 

“Jen? Baby, wake up,” Josh says, while shaking me awake lightly.

 

“Why?” I groan, as I wipe the sleep from my eyes.

 

“It’s time to go home.”

 

“But I’m… I’m comfortable…” I feel Josh’s arms slide around me, and I close my eyes once again.

 

I wake confused, but I soon realize that I’m nestled comfortably in the blankets of our bed at home. I turn my head and see Josh sleeping soundly next to me.

 

I have a strong, sudden urge to empty my bladder, and to my surprise, I’m able to slip myself out of the bed and make my way to the bathroom without waking Josh. Or so I thought.

 

While I’m peeing, Josh frantically knocks on the door.

 

“Jen,” he knocks harder. “Are you okay?”

 

“I’m just peeing, Joshua. Chill out,” I say, in my stern voice. If he’s going to be worrying about me every two seconds until the baby comes, I’m going to go crazy.

 

“Okay, just making sure,” he says.

 

A few minutes pass, and I’m sitting on the toilet scrolling through unread emails on my phone. I’m far too lazy to get up anytime soon. I’m not sure how, but I can just tell Josh is still waiting for me on the other side of the door.

 

“Josh, you can walk away now. I’m fine.”

 

“Sorry, I just want to make sure your okay.”

 

“I’m fi…”

 

Before I can even get the word out, another sharp pain shoots through my entire abdomen. I clutch onto my belly with both hands, and let out a scream.

 

“Fuck!” I yell, along with a long list of other profanities.

 

“Jen! What’s going on? Can you unlock the door?” Josh shouts from the other side.

 

I make an attempt to stand, but instantly crumble down onto my knees, still shrieking from the pain. “Josh… I can’t… FUCK!”

 

“Jen! What’s going on?” he shouts, while banging his fists against the door, and attempting to wiggle the locked door handle.

 

I’m now lying on the bathroom floor, my body curled up as small as I possibly can with my big belly. I’m attempting to breathe as deeply as I possibly can, while holding onto my stomach.

 

When the pain slightly subsides, I crawl over to the door to unlock it. Josh runs into the bathroom, and drops to his knees. He envelops me into his arms, and repeatedly kisses the top of my head. He wipes the tears from my cheeks with his thumbs.

 

“What happened?” he asks. I cannot muster up enough energy to respond.

 

“Are you okay? What happened?” he repeats, over and over.

 

He’s still kissing the top of my head, and rubbing soothing circles on my belly. “I love you, Jen. You’ll be okay. Everything will be fine.”

 

“Josh…” I croak, my throat sore from screaming, and crying.

 

When I look up at him, I see that tears are streaming down his face as well. I reach up to wipe them away, and he pulls away.

 

“Stop, Jen. Don’t worry about me. I’m fine.”

 

“But…”

 

“You scared the fucking shit out of me, Jennifer. I’m so glad you’re okay,” he grabs the sides of my face, and kisses me repeatedly. “I’m so glad you’re okay,” he says again.

 

After some amount of time, I have not been keeping track, Josh helps me up, supporting as much of my weight as he can with his hand around my waist, and my arm around his shoulders. We slowly make it to our bed, stumbling along the way. After he tucks me in, he retreats to the kitchen to make me a cup of hot tea.

 

I glance over to the clock, and I’m surprised to see that it’s only 4:06 pm. I fully intend to stay awake for the rest of the day, but against my will, I’m pulled back into a deep slumber.

 

_“Congratulations, Jennifer. She’s beautiful,” someone says to me; I’m unsure whom. I don’t recognize this person in my hospital room._

_“Thank you…” I reply hesitantly._

_Where is Josh? I look all around the room, and Josh is nowhere in sight. The room is filled with unrecognizable faces, people that I have never seen before. They are all smiling at me, and congratulating me on the birth of my baby._

_My child is lying on my chest, and I can feel her little body expanding and contracting with every breath she takes._

_When suddenly… she is still._

_I lift her off of my chest slightly, and feel no air coming from her little nose. She is not breathing._

_“Help! Somebody help!” I scream. “I need a doctor in here!”_

_No responses._

_“Can somebody get a doctor?” I scream at the people. They all look in my direction, but nobody makes a move._

_“My baby isn’t breathing! Somebody get a fucking doctor!” I shout, and once again, nobody moves._

_I clutch my baby closer to my chest, my body wracking with sobs. I don’t know what to do._

_When I reopen my eyes, the room is empty. I’m still gripping my lifeless baby tightly, and crying. I feel myself slipping further away from sanity, further away from life._

_All of the pain that I’m feeling slowly diminishes, and I slip out of consciousness._

_Thank God, I think to myself. I don’t want this anymore…_

I jolt awake, and find myself in an empty bed. I wish that Josh were here, waiting to comfort me from my nightmare with his strong arms, and soothing words.

 

I reach over for my cup of tea that Josh placed on my bedside table, but when I bring it to my mouth it is ice cold. How long have I been asleep?

 

The clock says it’s midnight, and I’ve been asleep for 8 hours. I wasn’t aware of how exhausted I was. I needed that rest.

 

I slide out of bed, and make my way down the stairs to look for Josh. I find him sitting on the couch on his laptop, eyebrows furrowed and a scowl on his face while reading something. I’m hoping it isn’t a gossip article about him and I.

 

“What are you reading?” I ask hesitantly.

 

He doesn’t respond, and I see him attempt to swallow a lump in his throat. I approach, and take a seat next to him on the couch. I take a glance at his laptop screen, but it’s just an email.

 

“What is it?”

 

“Jen, I’m sorry. I tried getting out of it. But I made a commitment, and I can’t not go…”

 

“Go where? What are you talking about?”

 

“To LA, for the Straight But Not Narrow basketball game.”

 

“Oh…”

 

He wraps me into a tight hug, and continuously tells me that he’s sorry. I know it isn’t his fault, and I’m not angry with him, I’m just angry in general.

 

“This is bullshit, Josh. Your wife is nearly 9 months pregnant.”

 

“I know, baby. I’m so sorry. I tried everything that I could to get out of it.”

 

“When do you leave?”

 

“The game is on Friday. I’m leaving Wednesday afternoon.”

 

Today is already Monday.

 

“Do you think you could take me to my parents’ house on Wednesday? I don’t want to be alone with my due date this close.”

 

“Of course, baby. I don’t want to leave you alone anyway.”

 

Now that I’m too heavy for Josh to carry me, he leaves me on the couch when I begin to dose off, and he goes upstairs to our bed.

 

– – – – – – –

 

When I eventually wake, I’m lonely on the couch. My breathing is uneven, and heavy. My body is covered in a layer of sweat.

 

Another bad dream.

 

I catch my breath, and swing my legs off the side of the couch, but it is a difficult task to lift myself up. My stomach is huge, and quite heavy. It’s frequently weighing me down.

 

It takes a little while for me to get up the stairs, and to our bedroom. When I arrive, I see the clock reads 7:00 am. If I get into bed with Josh now, we will still have a few hours to sleep, I desperately crave the feeling of being in Josh’s arms.

 

He’s leaving me for five days to go to LA. I know it isn’t his fault, it’s his charity basketball game, and I know that Josh is extremely passionate about this cause. I would never blame him for having to go.

 

But that doesn’t mean this doesn’t fucking suck.

 

Josh wakes instantly during my failed attempt to get under the blankets without waking him. He unexpectedly grabs me, wraps me in his arms, and pulls me against his body.

 

“Josh?” I whisper.

 

“Are you okay? What’s wrong? Are you in pain?”

 

“I’m fine… Why would you…”

 

He clutches the sides of my face tightly, and continually places soft kisses against my lips, pulling away and crashing back against them. When he pulls away and rests his forehead against mine, I can see on his face that I scared him again. He must have thought that something was wrong.

 

“I’m sorry. I just thought maybe you were in pain again. You startled me awake, and I panicked.”

 

A single tear streams down his cheek, and I quickly wipe it away.

 

“Josh, it’s okay. I’m sorry, I didn’t mean to scare you.”

 

He presses his lips against me again, but this time he deepens the kiss, and I revel in the feeling of his tongue against mine. We lay for a few minutes, making out like two teenagers, like we used to.

 

Eventually we both fall asleep, and I get the best sleep I’ve had in a while. Being wrapped in Josh’s arms is complete nirvana for me. I’m so happy to be able to call him my husband.

 

– – – – – – –

 

I wake to the smell of pancakes and bacon wafting throughout our small apartment.

 

Just as I’m about to gather up every ounce of strength that I have and get out of bed, Josh bursts through our bedroom door. He is holding a tray that has a stack of pancakes, bacon, and a glass of orange juice on it. He sits it next to me on the bed, since I can’t rest it on my lap.

 

“Good morning, beautiful,” he says, while beaming his stunning smile in my direction.

 

It’s Wednesday morning, which means Josh flies to LA this afternoon. My appetite instantly diminishes when his leaving crosses my mind. The look on my face is a dead giveaway that something is wrong, and it doesn’t take Josh more than a couple of seconds to notice.

 

“It’s only a few days, Jen.”

 

“I know. But I’m almost nine months pregnant, Josh. Anything can happen at any moment.”

 

“The doctor said it could be two weeks. I don’t think anything will happen until I get back. Monday night I’ll be back home, and we can have a pizza and movie night. Sound good?”

 

He leans in and plants a kiss on my forehead, which causes a smile to slowly spread across my face. He always knows exactly what to say.

 

“Promise?”

 

“I promise. Now eat your breakfast!”

 

– – – – – – –

 

“Please don’t leave me, Joshy.”

 

My hand reaches up once again to wipe the tears from my cheeks. I kept telling myself that I was going to be strong when Josh was left, but when he dropped me off at my parents’ house, my resolve shattered into a million pieces.

 

“I’m so sorry, baby,” Josh says, while squeezing me tightly. “I wish I didn’t have to go. You’re the most important thing in my life. I should just cancel. We’re about to have a baby, I should just…”

 

“Josh, stop. You have a commitment. It’s okay.”

 

He holds up his left hand, motioning to his wedding band. “But I also have a commitment to you, and this family.”

 

I push his hand down, grab his face, and kiss him. I welcome his tongue into my mouth, and we kiss for what feels like forever. I feel empty when he breaks away, and removes his hands from my body.

 

“I have to go, or I’ll miss my flight.”

 

He kisses me again, this time it’s full of desperation, and he lingers against my mouth.

 

“I love you, Jen. I’ll be home in just a few days.” He bends down and places light kisses on my belly. “You stay in there, and don’t give your mommy any trouble till I get back.”

 

I smile, and Josh gives me departing hug and kiss. “I love you both,” he says.

 

“I love you too.”

 

\----------------------------------------

 

_“I never wanted any of this,” Josh says, while handing me our baby. A disgusted look is etched on his face, that I’ve never seen on him make before._

_“How can you say that…”_

_“I didn’t want to knock you up, Jennifer. It was a mistake. Just like marrying you was a mistake.”_

_He wiggles his wedding band off of his left ring finger, and throws it onto my hospital bed, just missing the baby._

_“Josh!” I yell, but he turns away from me, and begins to make his way to the door. I scream even louder, “How can you do this to me? Or her? Your fucking daughter Josh!”_

_He laughs, “Well, considering that I don’t fucking want anything to do with either of you, this is actually pretty easy for me.”_

_The tears burn as they stream down my face._

My vibrating phone wakes me from my nightmare. One of my hands instinctively grabs the phone, while the other wipes my salted cheeks.

 

It’s Josh calling.

 

Although it’s 1:00 am in Louisville for me, and only 10:00 pm for Josh in LA, I answer the call quickly, eager to hear my husband’s soothing voice.

 

“Hello?” I answer, while breathing heavily, still worked up from my nightmare.

 

“Jen? Are you okay?”

 

“Just a bad dream. How was the game?”

 

He begins to tell me every detail of his charity basketball event; who won, who was there, how much money they raised. A smile spreads across my face as I listen to him; I love it when he’s happy.

 

Our conversation comes to an abrupt halt when I hear a faint popping sound.

 

“Jen?” Josh asks. When I still don’t respond, he begins to panic. “Are you okay? What’s going on?”

 

“I…” The pop was followed by an immediate gush of warm liquid, and it’s quickly soaking through my pants, and the bedding.

 

“Jen, what the fuck is going on? Are you having pains again?”

 

“No… I… Um, I think my water broke.”

 

“ARE YOU FUCKING SERIOUS?” Josh screams into his phone.

 

“It’s 1:00 in the morning Josh, I have to call my parents to wake them up.”

 

“Jen, please call me right back. I’m about to be on my way to the airport, and I’ll try and get a flight tonight.”

 

“I will.”

 

“I love you so much Jen. I’ll be home soon.”

 

I hang up.


	18. Chapter 18

**_Josh–_ **

 

The vibrating phone in my hand causes an instant halt to my packing. And by packing I mean furiously shoving every article of clothing frantically into my luggage.

 

It’s Jen. I don’t even bother saying ‘hello.’

 

“Baby, are you okay? I’m going to the airport soon. I’ll be there as fast as I can. I’m so sorry, Jen…”

 

She doesn't respond, instead the only sounds I hear on the other line are her cries.

 

“Jen, please stop. Don’t cry. I’ll be there soon, I promise.”

 

“I wish… you were here… with me now,” she says, gasping for air between cries.

 

“I wish I was too, more than you know.”

 

I put Jen on speaker, and resume packing up my belongings. Although she isn’t speaking much, just knowing that she is there on the other line is enough reassurance.

 

I will get home to her soon.

 

There’s already a car waiting for me downstairs at the hotel. “Airport, as fast as possible please,” is all I say to the driver before I’m resuming my conversation with Jen.

 

I’m attempting to calm her down, telling her random stories and trying to make her laugh, while telling her that I’ll be there soon, and how much I love her.

 

“Josh, I have to go now. We’re at the hospital.”

 

“Okay. I love you and I’ll see you soon.”

 

“I love you too.”

 

And she hangs up.

 

I managed to get a first-class seat on a flight leaving soon, but unfortunately none flew straight to Louisville, which means I have no choice but to stop somewhere for a layover.

 

What a fucking nightmare.

– – – – – – – – – –

 

I’m sitting in a bar at an airport in Texas, wishing for the time to go by faster.

 

Luckily, the layover was only an hour, and I’m half way through it already. But my mind is racing with terrible thoughts of my baby being born while I’m on the plane, or something happening to Jen.

 

Finally, after a few drinks in the bar to calm myself down, it’s time to board the plane to Louisville.

 

The alcohol is making my anxiety subside, and I’m able to close my eyes, and let the slumber take me for the duration of the flight.

– – – – – – – – – –

 

**_Jen–_ **

 

The pain is excruciating, and the uncomfortable hospital bed isn’t making it any better.

 

Also, the fact that Josh isn’t here doesn’t make it any easier.

 

I find myself repeatedly staring at the screen of my iPhone, waiting for a text, or call, or anything from Josh to alert me that his plane has landed and he is on his way.

 

I just need him here with me.

 

The doctor enters my room, and I assume he’s speaking to me, but I’m not listening. I’m too focused worrying about Josh potentially not making it to the hospital on time.

 

When the doctor begins taking my blood, I barely even notice. My eyes and my brain are focused only on the screen of my phone.

 

“Jen?” I hear my mom say, attempting to gain my attention. She repeats herself when I make no acknowledgment.

 

“Huh?” I eventually respond.

 

“Are you okay? You seem a bit out of it.”

 

“Yeah, uh… I’m fine. I’m just worried about Josh.”

 

“He’ll make it,” she attempts to reassure and calm me. “But really Jen, you need to be focused on yourself right now, and the baby.”

 

I rest my hand gently on my stomach to feel my baby, our daughter Chloe. I’m still in disbelief that she will be with us soon.

 

“I can’t wait to meet you,” I whisper, so only Chloe can hear me. “Daddy will be here soon, don’t worry.”

 

Her kicks urge me to continue talking to her. “Please feel free to stay in there until he does get here. I don’t think I can do this without him.”

 

Another kick.

 

I am relieved when I glance up from my stomach, and see my parents quietly exiting my hospital room. They must understand that I need some alone time.

 

I decide to call Josh again out of curiosity, but I’m instantly disappointed when the call goes straight to his voicemail.

 

“Hey Josh, it’s me again. Obviously.” I laugh to myself. “I hope your plane lands soon, and I hope you get here within the next like… 5 seconds. This is very painful, and I could really use your hand to squeeze until it breaks. Call me when you can. I love you.”

 

I hang up. I don’t know if it’s the situation that I’m in, or simply because I’m just missing Josh, but I cannot stop worrying and thinking the worst. I just feel like I should have heard from him by now.

 

I bend my neck to get my mouth as close as possible to my belly, and I whisper, “Please wait until your dad gets here. Please.”

– – – – – – – – – –

 

**_Josh_** –

 

Fuck, my phone is dead.

 

As soon as the plane landed I was going to call Jen, and tell her that I’ll be on my way to the hospital soon, but instead I was greeted with a black screen.

 

Luckily, this taxi driver let me borrow his cell phone.

 

But Jen didn’t answer. Of course not, why would she answer to a random number calling her while she’s in the hospital possibly giving birth to my daughter at this exact moment.

 

I hand the phone back to the driver, “Thank you. Uh… do you think you could go any faster? I’m kind of in a rush.”

 

“I’ll go as fast as I can… Wait, you’re that guy from The Hunger Games right?”

 

You’ve got to be fucking kidding me.

 

“Could we not do this now? I just got off a long flight and I’m trying to get to the hospital, and my wife could be having a baby right now and I’m not there.” I try and ask politely, but it doesn’t quite come out that way.

 

“You’re married to Jennifer Lawrence, right? You’re one lucky man.”

 

“What the fuck is that supposed to mean?”

 

Stay calm, Josh. This asshole is your only hope to getting to the hospital on time.

 

“Sorry, I didn’t mean it in a bad way. She’s just hot.”

 

Instead of responding, I just slide my sunglasses onto my face and stare out of the window. The minutes drag by, and it’s beginning to feel like it is taking hours to get to the hospital.

 

I have the driver drop me off at the entrance of the maternity section of the hospital, and throw him a few twenties. I just need to get out of this car, and into the hospital with my wife.

 

I immediately run to the desk, “Excuse me?” I ask the first nurse that I see.

 

“Yes?”

 

“I’m looking for my wife, she…”

 

“Name?”

 

“Uh, Jennifer Hutcherson. Please, hurry. She might be having my baby right now. I don’t know if she’s…”

 

“Can I see some identification, please?”

 

I nearly throw my drivers license at her. She scans it up and down, “Okay, Mr. Hutcherson, your wife is in room 319. I just need you to sign here.”

 

She hands me my license and a clipboard, and I illegibly scribble my name on one of the lines. I put the clipboard on the desk and take off in a full sprint down the hallway, ignoring many nurses’ yells for me to stop running.

 

I burst into the room, not even bothering to knock, and run to Jen’s side. Relief floods through me when I see she hasn’t given birth yet. I’m not too late.

 

“JOSH!” Jen screams.

 

I grab the sides of her face and kiss her lips over and over. “Hey baby, I told you I’d make it.”

 

She begins to cry, “Oh my god, Joshy. I was so worried you’d miss it.”

 

“I could never miss this. How are you feeling? Are you okay? Are you in pain?”

 

“Of course I’m in pain, but I’m better now that you’re here.”

 

I decide that I’m not letting go of Jen’s hand until this is over, and maybe not even then.

– – – – – – – – – –

 

She has the most beautiful blue eyes, just like her mother.

 

As she wraps her tiny hand around my finger, the only thoughts going through my mind are how much I love her already, and would do anything to protect her.

 

Chloe Marie Hutcherson, 7 pounds, and 20 inches long.

 

I lay her gently in her Jen’s arms, my beautiful wife and the mother of my child. I love them both more than anything in the world.

 

“Hey baby,” Jen whispers to her. “Thank you for waiting for daddy to get here.”

 

She smiles at me, and we both laugh. “I told you I’d make it.”

 

“I know, but you can’t blame me for being worried.”

 

Before I get the chance to respond, of the nurses enters the room. “Hi. I’m sorry to break up this family moment, but we need to take the baby, just to check her vitals and make sure everything’s okay. It’s standard procedure.”

 

I see the blood instantly drain from Jen’s face, and her grip on the baby tightens.

 

“Jen? It’s okay. She’ll be right back,” I whisper, so only she can hear me.

 

“Uh, I…” I see her eye’s filling with tears, and her hold on Chloe hasn’t loosened a bit.

 

When the nurse begins walking over to the bed, Jen sits up, and clutches the baby closer to her chest.

 

“Oh… I’m sorry Mrs. Hutcherson, but I need to take her. I’ll bring her back in a few hours.”

 

“No, I don’t… You can’t…”

 

“Jen, calm down. It’s okay.” I reach for the baby, and she turns her body away from me.

 

“No.”

 

“They need to take her. Everything will be fine.”

 

Reluctantly, she allows the nurse to take Chloe. She throws herself into my arms, and begins bawling her eyes out. I had hoped a healthy birth of our daughter would result in Jen’s depression and anxiety vanishing, but that turned out to only be wishful thinking.

 

“Shhh, baby. It will be okay. She’s fine.”

 

“How do you know?” she asks, between sniffles. “I need her to be okay.”

 

“She will be okay. She’s perfectly healthy. The nurse said this is standard procedure. Please, don't worry.”

 

“Josh, I don’t think I will ever be okay if something happens to her.”

 

“Nothing is going to happen to her. I promise.”

– – – – – – – – – –

 

Jen fell asleep not long after the nurse took Chloe to check her vitals; I think she may have cried herself to sleep.

 

Regardless, I wander down to the cafeteria for some coffee, and to allow Jen to get some rest.

 

“Josh!” I hear someone call from behind me. I don’t even need to turn around to know that it’s my mom.

 

“Hey mom,” I wrap her in my arms, and give her a kiss. Seeing her face makes me realize how long it’s been since we last saw each other.

 

“I missed you. How are you? How’s Jen? How’s the baby?”

 

“Relax, mom. One question at a time.”

 

She smacks my arm, and we both laugh. “I’m serious. How is everything?”

 

“Everything is great. Well, I’m great, Chloe is great, and Jen is not so great.”

 

My mom’s face instantly shifts from a smile to concern. “What do you mean?”

 

“No, I didn’t mean that. She just panicked when they had to take the baby, but they were only doing her check up. It’s just hard for me to understand why she always feels like something is going to happen to her.”

 

“You need to understand that she went through something so incredibly traumatic when she lost that baby. You really need to help her through this.”

 

“Being a husband and a father is already harder than I thought,” I smile at my mom, and tell myself to follow her advice, as I usually do.

 

“Yeah, it is tough,” she says. “But I know that you’ll be the greatest father and husband in the world, Josh.”

 

“How do you know that? What if I fuck up?”

 

“You most likely will, but you’ll recover, because that’s how I raised you. Now come on, can I go meet my granddaughter?”

– – – – – – – – – –

 

**_Jen–_ **

 

_“I’m sorry, Jennifer. But we’ve done all that we could do,” the doctor tries explaining to me._

_“No. No…”_

_“We’re so sorry.”_

_“This can’t be… You’re lying. Bring her back in here.”_

_“We can’t do that. She’s gone.”_

_This pain is a familiar one, but it doesn’t hurt any less; another child that I’ve lost. This time I was able to hold her, kiss her, and experience her. She was alive, and on this Earth, and now she’s gone._

_I am broken._

_“Where is my husband? Where is Josh?” I cry to the nurses._

_“He left.”_

_“He would never leave. Someone please go get him.”_

_My parents enter the room. “He’s gone, Jen,” my mom says._

_I’ve never felt so alone…_

When I wake my cheeks are burning, coated in tears. Josh rushes to my side, and I immediately feel relaxed.

 

“My mom’s here,” he says. When I turn my head I see Michelle sitting in a chair, holding my baby. The nurse must have brought her back into the room while I was asleep.

 

“Can I hold her?” I ask Josh.

 

“Yeah, of course. But my mom literally just got her, could she have just a few more minutes?”

 

“No. I’m sorry, but I need to hold her.”

 

“Jen…”

 

“Josh, please give me her.”

 

“Are you okay? What’s wrong?” His attempt to comfort me fails.

 

“I had a dream that she died, Josh. Just give me my fucking baby please!”

 

Michelle is quickly at the side of my bed, ready to hand my daughter over to me. “Here, Jen. It’s okay, I understand.”

 

“Thank you.”

 

The pure serenity that I feel when my daughter is in my arms is indescribable. She makes all of the pain worth it. She makes everything worth it.

– – – – – – – – – –

 

**_Josh_** –

 

“Hey Chloe,” I whisper to my daughter. “We need to be quiet, because mommy is sleeping. She’s really tired.”

 

I glance at Jen sleeping in her hospital bed. We get to go home tomorrow, and I cannot wait. I’m thrilled that we get to take our daughter home, and that Jen can get out of his hospital that I know she hates so much.

 

“Are you exited to go home? Mommy and daddy are excited. I can’t wait for you to meet all of your family and friends. They’re all going to love you.”

 

I gently kiss the top of her head, which is coated in a light layer of dark brown hair, just like her father. She looks up at me with her bright blue eyes, just like her mother. I don’t think there is anything more perfect in this world than our daughter.

 

“I love you, baby. You know your mom and I plan on giving you the most amazing life possible. When you grow up you may feel lucky to have such awesome, cool parents like us, but that’s not true. We’re the ones who are lucky to have you in our lives, Chloe.”

 

“I love you, Josh,” Jen says, and I’m slightly embarrassed that she’s awake, and heard everything that I’ve been saying.

 

“I love you too. How much of that did you hear?”

 

“All of it,” she says, with a smile from ear to ear.

 

“Are you excited to take her home with us tomorrow?”

 

“Yes. I know you are too.”

 

“Jen, I know that you’re still struggling, but I promise you everything is perfect. She’s healthy, you’re healthy, and tomorrow we’ll go home and try this parenting thing out for real.”

 

“I know. And you’re going to be the best daddy ever.”

 

“I really hope so, I want to be.”

 

“You will.”

 

Jen moves over in the bed, making room for me to lie down beside her. I lay Chloe in between us, and we stare at her. Hours, minutes, or days could have gone by, but we don’t care, we can’t take our eyes off of her.

 

“She’s perfect,” Jen says, breaking the silence.

 

“She is perfect, and so are you.”


	19. Epilogue

My body is coated in a layer of sweat as I wake hazily. As usual, Josh’s arms quickly comfort me out of my nightmares. The dreams now only occur occasionally, but when they do they are brutal.

 

I’m still breathing quite heavily, and I try to focus only on Josh’s hand rubbing in circles across my back in an attempt to forget about the terrible dream.

 

“Mommy?” I hear my daughter speak from the doorway of our bedroom. “Can I come lay with you?”

 

“Of course you can. Come on up,” Josh responds, while breaking apart from me and patting his hand on the bed in between us.

 

The presence of my daughter immediately snaps me back into reality, and I’m able to forget about my bad dream. If Josh isn’t able to ease me out of it, this is a remedy that works every time, without fail.

 

“What are we doing today, mommy?”

 

Today is a very special occasion for the Hutcherson family. Josh and I have been counting down the days for months now, and we’re beyond excited that it’s finally here.

 

It’s our five-year wedding anniversary.

 

“We can do whatever you want to do, Chloe. Just name it.”

 

“Horses!”

 

“Yay, horses!” Our other daughter has made her way to our bedroom now as well, and Josh scoops her up and tosses her on the bed, emitting giggles from her.

 

“Sorry girls, I actually have something else planned.” Josh says, causing the three of us to pout our lips in his direction.

 

“No horses, daddy?” our three year old daughter, Addie, asks.

 

“I have something special planned for mommy,” Josh says, instantly grabbing my full attention. “So we can go see the horses tomorrow, okay?”

 

“Go brush your teeth girls. I need to talk to your dad.”

 

Our daughters run off into their bathroom, and hopefully won’t return too soon. I have a feeling it’s going to take a lot of convincing to get Josh to tell me what this surprise is.

 

As soon as we’re alone, he turns to look at me, “I’m not telling you.”

 

“Joshua! Tell me please! You know I hate surprises.”

 

“Um, I don’t think so.”

 

“Fine, then I’m taking the girls to ride the horses.” I move in a fake attempt to get off of our bed, but Josh pulls me down gently.

 

“No. Besides, you can’t even ride.” He places his hand on my small rounded stomach, feeling for the next member of the Hutcherson family.

 

“Shit,” I whisper.

 

“Yeah, so… I guess you’re stuck doing my plan. Sorry, Jen.” He smirks, satisfied with himself that he’s won.

 

“Just tell me!”

 

“Nope. Just go take a shower. I already have something for you to wear. I’ll hang it in your closet, then when you’re done come downstairs. We’ll be waiting.”

 

He brushes my blonde hair off of my shoulder, and leans in to kiss the top of my head.

 

“I hate surprises, and I hate you,” I say.

 

“I love you, too. Now go get ready.”

 

– – – – –

 

After my shower, I blow dry my hair and curl it softly, which is the extent of my hair styling skills. I apply some light, neutral makeup, and make my way to my closet.

 

Hanging in front of me is a gorgeous white floor length dress, with just a few beaded accents across the neckline. It’s not too fancy, but not very casual, which makes me even more curious for what Josh has planned.

 

Walking down the stairs, I can hear my husband and children chattering away in the kitchen. Once I step into view, the conversation ceases, and their jaws hit the floor.

 

“Mommy, you look so pretty!” Chloe says.

 

“You look more pretty! You both do.” I say to my daughters, who are both wearing adorable new dresses.

 

Josh pulls me aside, and out of the girls’ ear-shots.

 

“You look absolutely beautiful.” Somehow, my husband of five years, and friend of many more, still manages to make me blush. “The dress fits okay?” he asks.

 

“It fits perfectly, but I wish you would tell me what the hell is going on.”

 

“Not yet. Girls, go upstairs and grab the bags we packed, we’ll meet you in the garage. Okay?”

 

“Okay, daddy.”

 

As the girls walk away, I pout my lip out and Josh quickly grabs the back of my head, pulling my face towards his. He sucks my bottom lip into his mouth, between his teeth, before I pull away hastily.

 

“Josh! My makeup!”

 

He smiles and wipes his mouth with the back of his hand. When he pulls his hand away, he reveals a streak of lipstick on his skin.

 

“I need to wash this off. If you want to go upstairs and fix your lipstick, you and the girls can meet me in the car.”

 

“Okay…” I say hesitantly, noticing how nervous Josh is. When you’ve known someone, and been close to someone, for as long as Josh and I have, you can’t hide anything from each other. We’re able to tell when the other is nervous, upset, ecstatic, and all emotions in between.

 

The car ride is awkward, the only noises coming from our daughters in the back seat. They’re currently arguing over something that I haven’t been able to pay attention to, because I’m too focused on the butterflies fluttering around in my stomach.

 

“Just tell me,” I whisper to Josh in the driver’s seat.

 

“Stop trying, Jen. I’m not telling you.” He turns his head just for a second to flash me the smile that I fell in love with many years ago. The smile that calms me, and reassures me that I shouldn’t be worrying one bit. I trust Josh completely.

 

“Horses!” our daughter Addie screams from the back seat as we pull into the parking lot at the horse ranch. A million thoughts are running through my head in this one moment; why are we dressed up to ride horses? What the hell is going on?

 

“Why are we wearing dresses if we’re riding horses?” Chloe asks one of the questions that I’d like an answer to.

 

“We’re not riding horses,” Josh says, instantly gaining my full attention.

 

“What are we doing here then?”

 

“Just follow me.”

 

We all exit the car, and Josh and I each grab hold of our daughters’ hands. Once everything is in my field of vision, I release their hands and pull mine up to cover my agape mouth. Tears fill my eyes, and I’m completely speechless, which never happens to me.

 

“Do you like it?” Josh asks, as I continue to take in my surroundings.

 

Both of our families are here, and Josh has recreated our wedding day, but this time at my favorite place in Kentucky; the horse ranch that we take our children to.

 

“I don’t know what to say…”

 

“Say that you’ll marry me.”

 

“We're already married, dummy.”

 

“We’re going to renew our vows. If that’s okay with you?” His smile reassures me once again, but I can still sense his nerves. For some reason, Josh being nervous also, calms me.

 

“Oh my god! I don’t know what to say. This is…”

 

“Say ‘I love you, Josh, and you’re the best husband in the world.”

 

“I love you, Josh, and you’re the best husband in the whole entire world.”

 

I press a soft kiss to his lips, conscious of my lipstick this time, and when he pulls away, he flashes me a more secure, less anxious smile. “I love you too, Jen. Let’s do this.”

 

– – – – –

 

Of course the ceremony was emotional, which caused me to be a blubbering mess. I feel like I’ve cried off all of my eye makeup, but Josh assures me that I look as beautiful as ever.

 

I’m happy to be around my family again, I always love spending time with them. In the back of my mind I can’t stop thinking about the secret that Josh and I are keeping from our families; my pregnancy with our third child.

 

“When should we tell them?” I whisper into Josh’s ear as we slow dance once again to our wedding song from five years ago.

 

“Do you want to tell them today?”

 

“I kind of like it just being our secret in our little family.”

 

Josh brings his hand down to my stomach but before he places his palm against it, he pulls away quickly, aware that we’re surrounded and being watched by other people.

 

“I’m not sure how much longer I can wait, Jen.”

 

I stare into Josh’s eyes for a moment, and my mind can’t help but wander back to where we were five years ago, and all that we’ve been through.

 

Back then I thought we would never get out of that place; that we were doomed, and condemned to a life of misery, and a life without each other. There were times when I thought Josh was never going to get recover, but he recovered beautifully. I’ve never been more proud of him.

 

I certainly thought I’d never recover. The loss of my first child nearly destroyed me, and nearly broke me completely. I was certain that I’d never heal. Now, Josh and my two daughters have almost healed my broken heart.

 

I’m aware now that I’ll never be fully healed, I will always have wounds from the loss. But all of these years later, they’re less of wounds and more like scars. They’re there to remind me of what happened, but they aren’t nearly as painful as they once were.

 

“Everyone, we have an announcement,” I yell, stopping the dance and pulling away from Josh’s grip on my hips.

 

“Jen, what are you doing?”

 

“Josh and I have something that we need to tell you all.”

 

Josh flashes me a quick, reassuring smile, but before I’m able to speak any further, by older brother interrupts.

 

“Let me guess, you’re pregnant.”

 

I look over at Josh, but his gaze doesn’t return mine. Instead, his eyes are trained down on the ground as he attempts to hide his wide smile, while kicking something imaginary with his foot.

 

“You told them?” I shout while punching his arm lightly.

 

“No!”

 

“Jen, this is your third baby,” my mom speaks up. “We’ve been through this twice before, it’s kind of obvious at this point.”

 

“You’re saying I look fat?” I joke to my mom.

 

“God, no!” she walks up and wraps me in her familiar in embrace. “I’m your mother, I have a sixth sense about these things. The way you act, and the way your skin glows. But yes, you do have a little bump that I noticed.”

 

“Whatever,” I scoff jokingly at her, and everyone floods over to Josh and I to say their congratulations.

 

I don’t think I’ll ever be used to this feeling, even five years later. Being Josh’s wife, having children with him, and having an amazing life together with our families, were things that seemed so foreign and out of reach not too long ago.

 

But now, today, we are all healthy, and we are all happy.

 

“May I have this dance?” I look to where Josh’s voice is coming from, but he isn’t asking me. He’s bent down and holding one hand out to our daughter, Chloe, and she is smiling from cheek to cheek.

 

“Of course, daddy.”

 

I watch Josh and Chloe dance, and a few stray tears escape my eyes. She’s standing on his feet, while he uses his arms to hold her, and his legs to move them both around the dance floor.

 

I’m unsure if it’s the pregnancy emotions, or that I’m just overwhelmed from this amazing day, but I begin to cry even harder at the sight of them.

 

“You okay, mommy?” Addie asks, while tugging at the bottom of my dress to get my attention.

 

“Yes, baby. I’m fine. I’m just really happy.”

 

“I’m happy too.”

 

“Jen! Come on!” I hear Josh yell. “I want all of my girls right here!”

 

“Coming, daddy!” Addie yells in response. She grabs my hand and pulls my arm, leading me into the direction of her dad and sister, and we both begin to run.

 

The only thing I can hear is the music, and the sound of our families talking and laughing together. I’m running past all of the people gathered around, trying to push myself through the crowd and get to my family.

 

My family.


End file.
